Two people who were gone, with Gunnar never having a chance to see them again. To say that he was sorry.
“Look at the sky,” Olive said. “If that’s not a miracle, then what is? Look at us. If we are not a miracle... I don’t know what is.”
“There are no miracles in this life. That is just science. And we’re just two people who had sex, and are now dealing with the consequences.”
And he could see the moment that he had lost her. And it was a moment that he knew true terror. Because he had not imagined that he could lose her. He had thought... He had thought that she would stay.
“But I love you,” she said. “I love you, and I want you to love me. Why can’t you trust that? Why can’t you trust me?”
“Olive, I trust nothing. Nothing. I was a boy, who grew up in the safest, most loving home possible, and what did I want? More. More. I was greedy. I looked at my father, I saw his wealth and his success and I thought... I thought it would be happier with him? And for what? Because I was blinded by the trappings of all that he had, and I could not have been more wrong. And if I could be wrong about him...”
“It’s why you were so angry with me, isn’t it? Because you believed better about me, and I proved you wrong. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But you have to understand. It didn’t come from a place of wanting to hurt you. I was just trying to do what my father wanted.”
“Enough. I don’t care about that. Not anymore.”
“You are afraid that you can’t trust your judgment, and I only made that worse. I only...”
“It is not you, you fool. It is me. I do not trust myself.”
“Gunnar...”
“That is the way of it. The truth of it, Olive. I chose to leave them. I betrayed them. I squandered the love that I had. I was a bad judge of character... But most of all... It is my own character that I have no certainty in. Because I looked around that cabin, I looked around at this frozen wasteland, and I did not love it. I did not esteem it. I wanted to go and live with my rich father. As if money might insulate me. As if money would make me happier. I knew nothing. And I will never be so complacent that I think that might’ve changed. Yes, I pride myself on my moral integrity that is only because I have written rules for myself that I will not compromise. I had love. And I squandered it for the shallow things in life.”
“You were a boy.”
“A boy who broke the hearts of the only two people who ever loved him. A boy who left them to die alone. My grandfather went first. And then my grandmother... And who was there with her, Olive? Because it was not me. Those hands that held mine when I learned to walk. Those hands that taught me to fish, taught me to cook. They were empty when she died, because I was not there. How can I ever speak of love. I had it and I squandered it. I failed when he came to get me. I had a little wooden soldier in my hand. He took it from me, and looked at it. He said that I should leave it because I could have much better with him. And so I left it. And it is... It is the one thing that you cannot get back, Olive. The simple things that you squander, thinking that you will replace them with money. You won’t. You can’t.”
“So take this. Take it now. I can’t replace what you lost, but I am here. I’m here.”
“My heart was turned to stone long ago. It cannot be fixed. Not now.”
“Gunnar please,” she said, the words raw.
“There is nothing to be done, little Olive.”
She looked bleak, cold and tired. And then, she turned her face up to him, and the stark sadness in her eyes gutted him.
“I will be setting up residence somewhere else,” she said. “I will stay married to you. I will allow you full visitation of our child. As much as you like. But I need to be free. I need to be free to live my life. To feel loved. I cannot exchange one man in my life with expectations on me that come from a place that has nothing to do with how much he cares, for another. I’m sorry, Gunnar. But that’s how it has to be.”
“No,” he said, his voice rough, the denial bursting from him.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I can’t do this. I can’t. I lived my whole life with a man who wanted me around only for what he could train me to be. How are you different? How are we different?”
He felt as if he was being wrenched in two.
He watched as she got out of the pool. As she dried herself and dressed herself. An entirely different woman to the one that he had brought here first.
This one would not shrink against the wind.
And she did not shrink against him.
And he had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do with that.
Go after her.
And yet, he stood frozen. As Olive hiked back up the mountain. As she took that torn piece of him with her. And it felt like a terrible metaphor. Because Olive was strong enough to hike up the mountain, and he stood frozen, in the pain of his past.
And suddenly, it was as if the frozen ice blocks inside of him began to crack. Crumble.