‘Eww,’ laughs Willow, making a pretend puking sound as she claps her hands on the table.
‘Harpy we were- we…’ he trails off, again looking toward me for help.
‘Your daddy was jus-‘ I open my mouth hoping the words will come. ‘Checking my teeth?’ I wince.
Harper looks at me with a quizzical expression, then she tilts her head. ‘Bull poop.’
I gasp, as her father blinks.
‘Can I be your bridesmaid?’ says Willow suddenly.
‘Bridesmaid?’ says Thea. I look up, my chest tightening as I see her standing in the doorway. Her two sisters go silent as we all look at her. ‘What’s going on?’ she says.
‘Kenzie and daddy are getting married,’ says Harper.
‘No they’re not,’ says Thea, frowning with amusement as she looks at us, but her face changes as she sees my expression and the hard blush on my cheeks, and as her eyes meet mine she sees something there that I don’t mean to give away.
‘Thea,’ says her father, seeing it too and taking a step toward her.
‘I don’t under-‘ she says.
And then Harper gesticulates wildly as she rolls her eyes. ‘They kissed.’
Thea’s eyes widen at her little sister and then she looks back up, but only at her dad this time.
‘Is this true?’ she says.
And I watch as Mr Ledger’s shoulders sag, and then he looks down, and nods.
Before either of us can react, Thea bolts, heading straight for the stairs and darting up them two at a time, her father following but stopping at the foot before closing his eyes in anticipation and wincing.
Slam.
The cutlery in the cupboard shakes, and Harper looks up at me with wide eyes. ‘Did I say something wrong?’
‘No, sweetie,’ I say, shaking my head as I stand next to her and squeeze her against me. ‘You didn’t do anything wrong at all. You just told the truth.’
I sit down against the wall beside Thea’s door, leaning on the cold plaster as I close my eyes and breathe. I didn’t think I’d ever have to have this conversation. I never thought I’d find anyone after Lucy because I had no intention to look, and I figured that even if I changed my mind one day, I’d be in my late fifties with three teenage daughters, and this whole situation would be a lot easier.
‘Thea?’ I say softly. I know she won’t respond. She doesn’t talk to me at the best of times, let alone minutes after finding out that I’ve kissed her nanny.
I sigh. This is going to be a one-sided conversation, and I’ve had plenty of those.
‘I… I miss your mother,’ I say, my words leaving my mouth like treacle. ‘I miss her every day. I wake up every morning and I think of her. I think about how she used to make you toast dippers, with little glasses filled with chocolate sauce. I think about how she used to scoop your sister upside down and shake her whenever she ate ice cream. I think about how patient she was helping you with your maths back when you were struggling, and I think how magnificent, funny, honest, sweet, smart and beautiful she was every day, no matter how hard it got.’
I hear movement inside and I pause, taking a breath.
‘I’m not moving on,’ I say. ‘Mackenzie isn’t going to be your new mom. But she is a part of our family, and I like her. But you girls… you, will always come first.’
Silence.
I exhale slowly, looking at my hands and turning them over and over, following the lines of age buried deep within my skin as the light twists and turns, remembering how smooth Mackenzie’s skin feels against mine when I touch her, and my heart aches. I mean every word I’ve said, if this isn’t going to work for the girls, then it’s not going to work. There isn’t a choice, I just hope I don’t have to make it.
I close my eyes and I’m about to say something else, but then the door opens, and Thea’s shadow falls over me, and she drops into my arms, and I hold her tight, and her hands wrap around my neck as she nuzzles into me and I breathe her in as my chest tightens and her little frame shakes, and I realise that she’s crying.
‘It’s okay,’ I say softly, stroking her hair her tears tumble through my beard. ‘It’s okay.’
After a few minutes, she turns her head, finding my blurry eyes as she looks up at me, her cheeks flushed, but to my surprise, she has a half-smile on her face.