27
VIVIEN
“Uncle Dillon’s house is nice,” Easton remarks as I lift him out of his booster seat. His eyes scan the sprawling modern two-story property with enthusiasm. He was so excited for today I could hardly get him to sleep last night. I took Audrey’s advice, and he’s been sleeping in his own bedroom again, ever since the night Dillon put him to bed. I hate sleeping alone, but I know it’s the right thing to do even if both of us are having issues adjusting.
The door opens, revealing Dillon and Ash, and I pretend I don’t feel the quickening of my heart at the sight of him. Easton drops my hand like a hot potato and races toward his dad. My heart slams against my rib cage, like it does anytime they are together. I hang back, unsure if I can do this today. The urge to turn around, head home, and crawl into bed with a bottle of vodka is strong.
“Hey, you.” Ash bounds over to me, hugging me without hesitation. “I’m so glad you agreed to come.”
“I’m not sure about this.” I watch Dillon throw Easton over his shoulder with a massive smile on his face. E shrieks in delight, and I’m glad he’s not aware of the significance of today. “Maybe I should go home.” I know it’s bad if I’m considering leaving Easton here without me.
Ash loops her arm in mine as Dillon tosses Easton up into the air. Easton squeals and giggles, thoroughly enjoying himself. “You shouldn’t be alone today. That would be a very bad idea.”
I swing my eyes to hers. “You know what day it is?”
She nods, dragging me forward. “Audrey and I talk weekly. She told me.”
I knew they were in touch, but I didn’t realize it was a regular thing. However, I’m not angry. I know they are worried about me, and I like they are repairing their friendship. It’s important to me that both my besties get along.
Ash has been coming over to my house weekly for lunch, and it’s as if we were never apart. We still have plenty to catch up on, but I’m enjoying listening to her stories of life on the road with the band and hearing about all the amazing places she’s traveled to. I’m glad she’s back in my life and grateful she’s forgiven me for the horrible way I treated her. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything,” I admit. “It’s just so hard to say it out loud. Every time I think I might be turning a corner, something happens and it feels like I’m back to square one again.”
“It’s barely been three months. I think you’re doing amazing. Losing a baby is one of the most heartbreaking things you can endure. I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose your husband as well.” Tears prick her eyes. “I get upset just thinking about your pain.”
We stop walking, stalling a few feet from the front door. “Last night, when I was lying in bed, all I could think about was how different today should have been. I hardly got any sleep, which would have been the case if my pregnancy had gone full term, but I had no little angel squirming and kicking inside my belly.” I place a hand over my flat stomach. “I’ve never felt more hollow.”
A sob erupts from Ash’s mouth, causing Dillon to look over and frown.
“I don’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s okay,” she croaks, squeezing my hand. “I know today is going to be hard for you, and it’s why I didn’t want you to be alone. I think we should get shitfaced and toast to your little angel in heaven.”
“Now that’s a plan I can get behind.” It sure beats crying my eyes out alone in bed.
“Hey, Hollywood.” Dillon stops throwing our son in the air long enough to greet me. He flashes me that devilish grin I used to swoon over, and his entire face lights up when he smiles. Easton is good for Dillon. It’s blatantly obvious how happy he is whenever he’s around our son, and I don’t remember ever seeing him so carefree. I’m glad he’s in therapy, because he has a lot of deep-seated issues to work through. That’s something else I have Ash to thank for.
“Hi, Dillon.” I force a smile on my face.
Things have been better between us since we talked last week and came to an understanding of sorts. Meryl has helped me realize holding on to my anger, and clinging to the wrongs of the past, is holding me back from healing. I can’t change what happened. I can only control what happens from now on. Fooling myself into believing I hate Dillon is exhausting, and I’m done pretending. He is going to be in our lives, and it will be much easier for everyone if things are amicable, so I’m determined to start anew. He came over for dinner on Tuesday night and he’s been on FaceTime with E most every night before bed.
“Mommy.” Easton sounds winded. “I’m trying to reach the clouds,” he shrieks as Dillon throws him up into the air again.
Trying to give me heart failure, more like. “How about you come back down to earth for a while before you get a tummy ache?”
“How about you give your Auntie Ash a big sloppy kiss?” Ash reaches her hands out for her nephew. E practically jumps from Dillon’s arms into Ash’s, dropping a slew of sloppy kisses on her cheek. Ash lets him climb onto her back, and they race off down the hallway.
I trail after Ash and Easton while Dillon closes the door. He runs to catch up to me. “For you,” he says, handing me a long-stemmed white rose. Our fingers graze as I take it from him, and little tingles spread up my arm, reminding me I am still very much alive. “I told you once white roses symbolize rebirth and new beginnings, but they also symbolize peace, innocence, and love. I thought we could plant some white rose bushes in honor of Lainey. I have everything outside, but if it’s too much, we don’t have to do it.”
I stop walking, and my lower lip wobbles as emotion washes over me. I fight to regain control, smiling softly at him as I bury my nose in the silky petals, inhaling the familiar lemony scent. “That’s a lovely idea and very thoughtful,” I choke out. “Thank you.”
“I also wanted to run an idea by you,” he says, dragging a hand through his hair.
Blond strands tumble across his brow, and nostalgia slaps me in the face. Today is really doing a number on me. “What is it?”
“I want to build a memorial for Reeve and Lainey in your back garden. I thought Easton could help me with it. We can plant shrubs and roses and maybe erect a plaque against one of the trees and install a little stone bench. That way, East would have someplace he could go when he feels sad or he wants to talk to them.”
“Dillon,” I whisper as tears stream down my face. I clutch a hand to my chest. “That would be perfect,” I sob.
Without hesitation, he pulls me into his arms, and I let him console me. I shut my eyes, letting his spicy scent wrap around me as he holds me close. I rest my head against his chest, and we stand there for an indeterminable time, just hugging one another.