60
My lower lip wobbles, and tears threaten as I stare at his impassive face. I wasn’t expecting a reply, not really, but I was expecting to see some kind of emotion on this face. This blank, emotionless reaction hurts more than anything. Spinning around, I give a little wave to the guys, pretending I don’t notice their pitiful expressions. Ro and Ash look like they’re ready to rip Dillon limb from limb. “Take care, everyone.” Somehow, I force my legs to move, putting one foot in front of the other.
“Thanks for the sex, Hollywood! It was fun while it lasted. Say hi to Reeve for me,” Dillon shouts after me, hammering the final nail in the coffin.
I barely make it out the front door before I throw up, emptying the contents of my stomach all over the cobblestone path. Tears stream down my face as I retch.
“He’s not worth it,” Ash says, crouching down beside me a few minutes later. She rubs her hand up and down my back. “He was a total prick in there to you, and I told him that. I want to kick his arse all over town. I have never been more disappointed in my brother than I am right now.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I straighten up, wiping my mouth with the back of my sleeve. “I said what I came to say, and I’m ready to go home now.”
For the first time, I really feel those words. I want to return to L.A. and put as much distance between me and Dillon as possible. I want my mom. I need her to hold me in her arms and tell me everything will be all right.
“I’m proud of you, Viv. That took huge guts. You’re a true princess and my hero.” Ash hands me a bottle of water, and I rinse my mouth out. “We can say goodbye here,” I tell her. “I know you want to see the band.”
She thumps me gently on the arm. “Don’t be stupid. I’m coming with you. We’ll say goodbye at the apartment, like we planned.” Ash wanted to come to the airport, but I asked her not to. Saying goodbye to Audrey at LAX only added to my pain back in January, and I’m keen to avoid that this time. Plus, my flight is at an ungodly hour. No sense in Ash hanging around Dublin Airport until four a.m.
We grab a taxi, and I let my friend comfort me on the silent ride back to our apartment. When we get home, Ash gives me some space to call Audrey while she sets about making us something to eat. She’s worried now I puked up my dinner. I don’t have the heart to tell her I doubt I could eat and they’ll be plying me with food and drink in first class. I know she needs to do this, so I let her.
Audrey picks up on the fourth ring. “You’re not coming back, are you? You’re staying with him,” she blurts before I’ve gotten a word out.
I crank out a harsh laugh in between sobs. “You’ve got that all wrong. I can’t get home quick enough.”
“Oh no, Viv. What’s happened?”
I tell her everything, sobbing and choking over the words as tears roll down my face, ruining my makeup.
“Fuck, Viv. I’m so sorry. You sound as bad as you did when Reeve and you broke up.”
“I can’t do this again,” I cry. “I can’t take this heartache again.”
Silence descends on her end, and the only sound is the permanent tearing of my heart as I cry my eyes out to my bestie.
“You really love him,” she says when I compose myself.
“I do,” I whisper hoarsely.
“More than Reeve?”
I don’t answer for a few minutes. I won’t deny I’ve had similar thoughts these past couple of weeks as I’ve contemplated returning home and what that means. “I love them both in different ways. Both of them speak to my soul.”
“I feel guilty. I had written Dillon off, believing it wasn’t really that serious, but I was wrong. I see that it is. I still think you need to hear Reeve out, and the selfish part of me wants you two to fix things so it can be like old times with the four of us all together.”
“It can never be like old times. That ship has sailed.” We’re in different places now. Logistically and metaphorically speaking. And we are different people.
“If you love Dillon, Vivien. If you really love him and he’s the one, then fight for him.”
“He doesn’t want me to.”
“Bullshit. He told you his truths last night. He’s hurt and lashing out. You should still give him shit for that Aoife stunt, but fight for your man if he’s the one you want.”
“I did that before, and look where it got me.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Dillon isn’t Reeve. If he meant what he said last night, he’s prepared to put you first in a way Reeve didn’t when he got his big opportunity.” There’s a pregnant pause while we both stop to process her words. “If he’s not the one, if Reeve is, get on that plane and don’t look back. But if Dillon is the one, you can’t leave without making that clear to him. Otherwise, it will haunt you for the rest of your life.”
After we hang up, I write a long letter to Dillon, telling him everything I should have said weeks ago. I’m going to drop the letter off at his place on the way to the airport. Pubs close early in Ireland on Monday, so I know the guys will be back at their place by midnight, giving Dillon enough time to come and get me. I’ve told him the ball is in his court now. I’m not chasing him. I told him I loved him in front of everyone, so he knows where my head is at. If he wants me to stay, he needs to come to the airport and stop me from getting on that plane.
I don’t tell Ash my plans, because I know she won’t be able to help interfering. If Dillon wants me, I need to know he’s acting of his own free will and not because his sister is putting pressure on him.