It sickened me knowing my Da was rotting in the ground. Knowing thatmyCal was rotting in the ground.
???
“No,” I said absently, lying on my side, facing the raging fire in the hearth.
“No?” my mother asked quietly. She and Lord Castemont sat together on the leather couch behind me, the sound of their breathing quickening.
“No. You do not have my blessing. What a stupid fucking question.”
“Petra!” my mother gasped.
“Irabel, darling, of course this is a shock to her,” Castemont’s voice chided. “I should have asked you how you felt about it first, Petra, and for that I’m sorry.”
I heard my mother take a deep breath. “He’s done so much for us, Petra, and I didn’t realize it, but…but we were falling in love.”
Give me afuckingbreak. I rolled my eyes so hard I was surprised my head didn’t roll with them. “Da died seven months ago, Ma.Seven months.You were in love with Da seven months ago.”
“And don’t you think Da would want me to be happy?”
I sat up so quickly that stars swam in my vision. Slowly, I rose to my feet, turning to face them on knobby knees. The look on her face was filled with heartbreaking longing. I schooled my features into neutrality, not wanting any of my empathy to escape.
“Your mother willalwayslove your father,” Lord Castemont said, his hand squeezing my mother’s. “Just as I will always love my Berna. But your mother and I have found great comfort in each other, and an even greater love.”
Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. I debated what I should say, whether I should fly off the handle or deliver a cool, calculated blow. But I simply walked through the room, up the stairs, and to my bedroom, where my tears slid silently down my face for the rest of the night.
My days became a blur as I began to spend them sitting on the cliff’s edge. I hadn’t been able to return to the cave since the day Cal died. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stomach it. I knew I’d either feel him there or feel nothing, and I didn’t know which one scared me more.
My feet dangled off the cliff, my back pressed against the frosted grass of the cliff’s plateau. It was shaping up to be an icy winter rather than a snowy one. I was thankful for the sting in the air. It made everything else hurt less.
Life had been hard. But it was simple. And now…
Now life and death were in a duel, and death wielded a sword while life swung a stick. If the Saints were real, Rhedros had the upper hand, Cyen leading the charge from atop his black stallion. Everything I’d known had been touched by the fingers of death, corroded and rotting in a smoking heap of pain and guilt and ash.
???
I sat in the sagging armchair and stared at the woman as she read the tiny print on each bottle, separating them by whether they could be purchased anywhere or if they were only available in Eserene. She muttered to herself, scribbling notes on parchment as she sorted, filling a crate with those she chose to take. “When will you be back?” I tried to keep my tone from sounding too nervous, too eager, but she saw right through it.
Solise gave a close lipped smile as she tallied off another vial. “You know the answer, Petra.”
I did know the answer, and I didn’t like it. I knew that more likely than not, Solise would never return to Eserene. “And the letter saidwhat,exactly?”
She silently pushed a folded piece of parchment to the edge of the table.
Dearest Solise,
I’m afraid I must ask you to come to me. I’ve fallen ill and am in need of care. I have no one else to ask.
Sincerely,
Your sister
“A bit nondescript, no?” I asked suspiciously, placing the letter back on the table. The script was hurried, smudged in places.
Solise sighed. “I know this is hard, Petra. Believe me, I don’t want to leave Eserene. But my sister needs me.”
I nodded in understanding, because I knew I’d have dropped everything if I got the same letter from Larka. Solise was headed to some tiny town on the border of Widoras and Xomma, the third country on the continent of Astran, where her sister had found herself living after she’d fallen in love with a traveling bard. A bard who, I assumed, was dead now, if she was asking her sister to make the journey across the country.
Castemont had arranged a private escort for her to ensure safe passage through the wild lands outside the walls of Eserene. The smallest of comforts. Solise didn’t want to accept the gesture, but I told her she had to. Her herbs, tinctures, and elixirs were the last things she needed to pack, and I watched as she got closer and closer to the end of her stash.