I’ve never felt so free with a fuck buddy before. With Garrett, it was a friend helping a friend out. He never wanted anything more from me.
But Neo? That man worships the ground I walk on, and I'm not used to it. It scares the living fuck out of me, and I murder people for a living, so it takes a lot to scare me.
Then finding out my first love wasn’t actually the one to fuck me over has been a blow to the walls around my heart.
I unknowingly opened myself up tonight, and I don't know how I feel about it, but what I do know is that I’m feeling things I don't want to feel. Things I never thought I would feel ever again.
Letting them in, in any way, even just as friends, gives them the power to fuck me over again, but I mean, I could always just kill them if they do.Right?
God, Harlow, get a hold of yourself. You’re turning in to a hot fucking mess.
Whatever happens, I know one thing for sure, I won't let anyone control me or have any power over me, and I won't just roll over and take them back. I’m going to keep living in the moment because that's all we are guaranteed. We have today, but tomorrow isn't promised. I could keep hating them, although they aren't going anywhere. Not now that Rosie is the main part of my life too. Friends or enemies, I’ll have to deal with them for the rest of my life. May as well make it the least stressful that I can.
Well, only in regard to Cass and Neo. Dean... he's not as shitty of a person as I've led myself to believe. There's a lot about that man I misunderstood, but in the end, he was the reason why I ended up where I did. So, can I ever really forgive him? Or any of them for that matter. He says it was to protect me, but it did the opposite. FUCK! I just don't know anymore! And I hate it! They are gaining this power over me, just like they had back then, and I... Fucking... Hate it!
Oh, and Axel, fuck Axel with a rusty pole. That fucker needs to get his head out of his ass. Until then, I’m going to enjoy fucking with him every chance I get. Bring it on, big boy, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Ugh! These thoughts are getting me nowhere, and with no idea, where to go from here or how to fix my problems, I need to think about something else. Anything else.
With that, my mind focuses on how much fun it was killing the greasy fucker in the office. It’s my first messy kill outside my own establishment, and I feel a little bad for all the work my crew is going to have to do, but it’s my responsibility because I’m the owner now. During our little torture session, I forced him to sign everything over to me. Well, more like Ruby Snow, my alias, that Miller helped me get set up. It’s what the professional business world knows me as.
I changed my name because if they track Harlow McKaven back to me, they can use the only two people from my past that ever meant something to me, against me. And I would never put Trixie and Mouse in danger like that. So, everyone except the people who have endured hell with me know me as Queenie. To the outside world, Harlow McKaven is dead.
I’ve been slowly taking out all the men who were lucky enough not to attend Diamonds that night, and one by one, they have all fallen. I couldn’t just lure them to me and kill them all at once because of how big of a splash their deaths would make. So, it’s been an agonizingly slow process and sadly not as much fun, not like my normal playdates.
Their deaths are made to look natural or like some random accident, but sometimes I do switch it up a bit and make it look like they took their own lives.
Every year, we hold a celebration of life on that day in honor of the women we lost and to relish in the success of ridding the world of all those vile, evil men.
The ones we haven’t gotten to yet still live large but try to keep their illegal dealings tightly sealed because they know I’m watching. I like to think they live in fear of when I’m going to strike. I do enjoy the look they get right before I take their lives.
When I finally get home, I take a quick, hot shower, washing the evidence of tonight off my body, reliving how it felt to have two sexy as sin, strong men holding me up as I was brought to ecstasy. I’ve never done that before, but I’d be lying if I said I didn't want to do it again. But can Cass kneel to me like Neo? And can I give my body to him, in any way, again if he doesn’t?
Who fucking knows, I need sleep and to shut my damn brain off before it explodes.
Still wet, I climb into my silk sheets and close my eyes, reliving every scream, every sound of the blade piercing that man’s flesh, and the cries that bitch made as I handed her her ass, falling asleep with a smile on my face.