And forgive me for having been such a disappointment,I think bitterly.For having broken your heart and soiled your honor, too. I know you’ll never forgive me, but I’m sorry, Olivia. I wish I could just wipe it all away.
I’d like to say all these things to her, but my own defense mechanisms are hard at work, reassessing and adjusting my responses to this new situation. For once, I wish I could just be a simple, uncomplicated human being.
Olivia stands up and goes over to her desk, leaving me in my office with a wild disarray of thoughts zooming through my head. Zara’s gonna chew my head off when she hears about this. Lilian will be thrilled to welcome Olivia into her company. Then she’ll have questions the next time she comes by and sees the baby bump.
We could’ve been so much more. I wanted us to be more. The taste of ashes settles in my mouth. I brought this upon myself.
And now, I will wade through it.
CHAPTER21
OLIVIA
Months pass, and I’m miserable.
My only comfort is this child growing inside me. Physically, it’s often uncomfortable, and my body is changing in so many ways, it’s hard to keep up, but focusing on the pregnancy rather than my longing for the man who gave me this child is enough to guide me forward. I still fight the occasional bouts of nausea, though it’s gotten easier in the past couple of months. The bump is showing a bit, now, and the whole team have been nothing but supportive.
Tony is excited and has offered to be there for me throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. Rick moved back to his place a couple weeks ago, so I’ve been on my own again. Mom drops by every Friday, though, and Rick keeps emailing and saying he can come back if I need him.
To be honest, I think I need to be alone. I cry a little every night. Nobody should see me like this. There’s just so much sadness roiling inside me, sadness over what could have been, grief over what is. Come morning, I always find the joy again in this baby that I’m making. But when evening comes, and I go to bed and hug my pillow, my feet aching, my back hurting, my breasts swollen and sore… I feel tired and lonely. And so I cry a little bit more. Rinse and repeat.
It’s not the healthiest routine, emotionally speaking, but I’m pretty sure my hormones are having a significant impact of their own. Pregnancy is beautiful and scary and frustrating and exhilarating all at once. It will take a while for me to accept that I’m not alone, that I will never be truly alone again.
Tony showers me with small food gifts and tokens of his attention. Vitamin water. My favorite cupcakes from Roselli’s. Vinnie’s famed sauerkraut hot dogs. I’m definitely spoiled these days, but I welcome the affection. And the baby is absolutely loving these dramatic shifts in taste that it’s getting. Everything tastes better, too. Every flavor feels more intense. I never thought I would experience bliss while eating a bowl of cherries, yet it’s exactly what happened the other day.
We’re at my worktable now, for the third morning in a row as we try to fix a kink with one of the dispatch devices. The Asclepius Pad is designed to go in every emergency vehicle responding to a 911 call. Since callers don’t always know what kind of help to request, it allows responders to immediately request specialized personnel for backup at the scene.
“Except it’s not sending the data through,” Tony grumbles, once again taking the prototype apart to fiddle with the circuits. “It’s trying to piss me off. Don’t you think?”
“Assuming it’s sentient,” I chuckle, replaying my code in the meantime to check if I missed anything. I haven’t. Funny enough, I am infinitely more focused in my pregnancy than I was before. “It’s okay, the next demo is still a couple of weeks away. I’m sure you’ll sort it out by then.”
“Yeah, I appreciate the confidence.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you are an extraordinary asset to this company,” I reply.
He gives me a sad smile. “It’s a shame you’re leaving after this project… I love working with you, Olivia. Remember how much fun we had in college, teaming up on the craziest stuff?”
“Oh, those were the days,” I say wistfully.
Will is in his office with Zara. The door is closed and I can’t see much through the frosted glass, but I can make out Zara pacing nervously. Will is still in his seat, but Zara’s gestures appear frantic, stressed. She raises her voice, too, though it’s muffled. They’re definitely having an argument.
I look away just in time to see Alina walking over with a bright, warm smile. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her being sonicebefore. Again, this pregnancy has been a game changer in ways I never expected.
“I was thinking we could throw you a baby shower,” Alina says upon reaching my desk. “Nothing fancy, just the crew on this floor. We’ll stay late one Friday afternoon, I’ll order cake and drinks and whatnot, and you can give me a wish list for the baby.”
“Alina, you’re sweet, and thank you, but I don’t think it’s necessary,” I reply gently.
“Are you kidding? We’re all looking forward to it! Even the guys in Accounting were asking if you’d appreciate gifts for the baby,” she says. “I know we’re not exactly a family here, but you’re a member of the team, and it turns out your pregnancy has been making a lot of people smile more. It’s hard to explain, but we’re all just really happy for you. I know we haven’t been the nicest, either. It would mean a lot to everyone if you would let us do this for you.”
Tony leans in with a sly grin. “Alina just really-really wants to throw you this baby shower.”
“I do. I really do!” She laughs.
I have no choice but to concede. If there’s one thing missing from my life right now, it’s more kindness. I want and need as much of it as I can get, and since I doubt I’m going to see most of these people after I leave the company, I might as well let them remember me in a positive way. “Okay, Alina. You can throw my baby shower, if you really want.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! Thank you, Olivia! I’ll need that list by end of business hours this Friday,” she says quickly, her brain already wired into a preparatory stage for the event. I’ll give credit where it’s due—she’s detail-oriented and dedicated in everything she does. I’m certain I’ll have a kick-ass baby shower thanks to her.
I’m about to say yes to that request when Will’s office door swings open and Zara comes out. She’s livid. Will is staring at his screen, the door closing slowly behind Zara as she walks determinedly toward my desk.