Journey
My eyes lookedgrayer today than they had yesterday. They looked more alive than I’d seen in the last few months, but I could also see the loneliness lingering inside them, too. The whites clashed with the red-rimmed almond shape, and although I did throw a little bit of mascara on this morning, I knew my eyes were bloodshot because of lack of sleep and from the day’s events.
It was exhausting keeping everybody at arm’s length. It was even more exhausting cutting people out that were confused by your behavior or misjudged your behavior for something that it wasn’t. I remembered learning in the psych hospital that most mentally ill patients were some of the loneliest beings, unable to connect with others because they had such a heavy burden to carry.
That wasn’t the case with me, but I knew that was what people thought.
My classes were full of nagging stares. My peers' curious thoughts hit me from every other angle. Mary’s Murmurs, St. Mary’s secretive gossip blog that was somehow still a hot commodity at this school, had me featured right in the first paragraph. I couldn't even hold back the eye roll when Callie snuck her phone out from her blazer pocket and passed it around her little group of friends, all of whom discussed me in ghostly whispers.
The hallways were even worse than the actual classes. My stomach climbed to my throat as everyone gawked, and I rushed to every class quickly, in hopes of avoiding the Rebels, which only ended in me appearing like a fearful mouse, running for my life at the first glance from the boys who alluded authority with one curve of their rebellious smiles. They were hard not to notice. Cade was hard not to notice. He always had been, but now it was even worse.
Blowing out a deep breath from my pale, puffed-up cheeks, I tucked my wavy, sandy hair behind my ears, showing off my fake-diamond-studded ears, a gift from Sister Mary on my sixteenth birthday. My head dropped as I gathered my books off the ledge of the sink, ready to be one of the only students here that would rather hole up in their room instead of hanging with their friends or watching the lacrosse practice that was probably minutes from starting.
That was what I used to do. Sloane and I, and sometimes Mercedes, would drop our books off, grab a snack from the dining hall, and then sit out on the bleachers and watch the boys travel up and down the field in their hot dynamism, grasping onto their large crosses, laughing and being as carefree as I wished I could currently be.
My eyes would automatically find Cade. His tall, lean body frame, tight shoulders, and rigid muscles along his forearms would dance with a fluidity that only a strong athlete could have. His cheeky grin would meet me from across the field, and my cheeks would burn with giddy happiness.
“Who wants you gone, Journey?” I whispered, staring at myself no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel. I hardly recognized the girl staring back at me. I was equal parts confident and uncertain. I was whole but also scarred—both metaphorically and literally.
I sighed once again as I turned and headed for the bathroom door, hoping that the hall had cleared out all the way so I could make it up to my room alone without a single stare pelting me in the side of the head. I was exhausted from pretending they didn’t bother me. I wasn’t sure I had the energy to fake anything else today.
The door slammed behind me, and although the hall was empty and echoed nothing but my thoughts, my heart began to thud quickly against my ribs. Thump, thump, thump. My teeth gritted as I relaxed my shoulders and evened my breathing, climbing the steps to the dorms one by one. Relief hit me when I reached the top, but I couldn’t help the way my eyes traveled down the boys’ hall. Cade was likely at lacrosse practice, so I knew he wasn’t tucked away in his room, unknowingly squeezing my heart with his bare hands, but the memories of us meeting in this exact spot after classes to disappear for a short burst of time hurt all the same.
The feelings were still there. The ones that burned as bright as the stars and were as sharp as a hunter’s knife. A flick of his eyebrow and the curve of his lips were a delicious cut to my skin, and his kisses were the balm that soothed them. Cade and I were a discreet type of chaos that only he and I were the center of. But our secrets had turned to hardened calluses all over my body, and the betrayal that he may or may not have been a part of grew tougher and tougher every second I was back here.
My eyes grew watery as I traveled down the girls’ hall, only a few clips of chattering here and there from some of the cracked dorm doors. I kept my posture relaxed and only paused for a moment outside of my old room, wondering if Sloane understood why I’d been distant and unforthcoming. There was a big part of me that wanted to reach out to her, to have some type of comfort, but the secrets remained, and I was more careful than before. Relief came next as I got closer to my new room. My eyes dried instantly as I pushed the ugly feeling of hurt away, but as soon as my hand hit the doorknob, the blood from my face drained.
“Journey.”
A thick bundle of butterflies swarmed up my throat, suffocating me at the sound of my name coming from his hushed, abrasive voice. It rubbed me completely raw from the inside out.
Fear was present, but so was burning confidence. I spun around slowly, my knees brushing against one another as the plaid fabric of my skirt fluttered over my skin. Cade took a step forward, and my heart hiccupped, sending a flash of pain to my chest. His messy blond hair had a small wave in the front as it fell over his forehead, and his strong hands were shoved deep inside his pockets in the most relaxed manner that I’d ever seen.
He wasn’t at all as affected as I was, and that was both alarming and disappointing.
“You’re not going to talk to me?” he asked, taking another long, sinuous step toward me. My back hit my door in a single breath, and my books were pushed up against my chest like a shield of safety. I didn’t miss the way Cade shifted his attention to them, then back to me, and the way his head tilted just slightly in confusion.
Say something, Journey. I thought back to the girl I had turned into, if even momentarily, at the psych hospital and began lifting my chin, pushing back on the fear, but nothing came from my mouth. I’d thought over what I’d say to him, given the chance, every single lonely night that I was trapped inside a room that was sterile and homely, but now that he was standing in front of me, I couldn’t hide away from the painful assumption that I was too afraid to know the truth.
“Nothing?” Cade whispered, mouth parting with ragged breaths as he erased the space between us. “And you keep running from me. You won’t even look at me.”
My eyes dropped even farther, and I stared at the St. Mary’s crest covering the top left part of his maroon uniform blazer. My heart thumped faster, and when I let out a shaky breath and allowed his scent to crowd me like I was locked in a room with nothing but Cade on the inside, I shut my eyes.
There was a sound of shuffling first, and then his hand landed on my chin, and my eyes flashed back open at the speed of light, burning with something on the inside. No. I heard nothing but the vicious sound of blood rushing to parts that I wanted to shut off, giving life to things that I thought were dead. My chest climbed so quickly and swiftly that it brushed over parts of him, and his hand on my chin tightened. His eyes bounced back and forth between mine, the warm, golden flakes glowing with more intensity than I’d ever seen.
“Why, Journey?”
That single word carried such a punch that I nearly gasped. Why? Why what? There were far too many answers that could have climbed out of my mouth, and not to mention, I could have asked him the same. Why didn’t you show up that night? Why was Isaiah the one to find me with my wrists cut? Why did you keep me a secret for so long? Why did you keep coming to the orphanage after learning that I was back? Why didn’t you try to find me after I’d left? The answer to the last one cut me up inside because, for all I knew, he could have been the one who wanted me gone.
I felt the wobble of my lip before Cade noticed. His eyes widened momentarily before I slashed back at my vulnerability. “I could ask you the same, Cade.”
His brow furrowed beneath the single lock of hair, his grip on my chin tightening enough to notice the bite to my skin. Fear was present, but all of a sudden, I was fed by this interaction like a starving animal. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to bang my fists against his hard chest and ask him if he had something to do with it. Did he want me dead?
“Let go of her, Cade.” Both Cade and I turned our attention down the hall, and I gulped up the comfort I felt at the sight of my old best friend walking down the long hallway like she was ready to strike out at the first appearance of a fight.
Cade let out a feral growl, and I felt it go straight in between my thighs. My cheeks flushed, and I hoped that, with the lingering darkness of this gothic school, he didn’t notice that I was still twisted up over him. I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to want anyone—especially not someone that held more secrets than a Pandora’s box that went as deep as the ocean. My entire life was based on secrets. I didn’t need any more.
“Or what, Sloane?” Cade took a step back, but I still could feel his anger as if it were my own. His arms crossed over his chest, and his jaw locked. “In case you haven’t noticed, Journey is back. You can stop hating me now.”