He was quiet for a long time. I focused on Sofia, who had abandoned the breadcrumbs and was now doing her level best to skip rocks. The best she had gotten was one.
“So, have I got this right?” Xavier asked after what must have been about a million seconds. “You were a virgin when we met.”
I flushed. That’s right. He knew. Hell, I had only just reminded him about it myself.
“You haven’t been with anyone since me? As in, it’s been five years since you’ve…”
“Oh my God, you don’t need to announce my involuntary celibacy to the world.” Frantically, I looked around.
We were alone but for Sofia.
“I’m just—it’s just—Christ, how is that possible?”
I scowled. “Don’t get too excited. Not a lot of men are in the market for a single mom and a date with her four-year-old.”
“A lot of men are fucking idiots.” His voice was still low, but so intense, it was almost threatening.
I shivered, and not because of the wind coming off the river.
“I’m not waiting for marriage or anything,” I said. “Obviously. And it’s not a religious thing, so don’t ask.”
Xavier didn’t respond, just waiting in that patented way of his. He always seemed to know when there was a whole other story waiting on the tip of my tongue.
I sighed. It’s funny how you go from sexy to sexless in the span of nine months. Even funnier how easy it is to stay there. No one ever pushed me on this anymore. Not my sisters, who had mostly resigned themselves to the idea of me as a spinster. My friends in college had pretty much floated away when the word “baby” came into play. Even Nonna had stopped trying to set me up every weekend with some neighbor’s son or nephew.
“I just want it to be special.” I didn’t know how else to put it. “I don’t need to be completely in love with the guy or anything. But I need to care. And he needs to care about me. Doing that with my body…I just think it’s basically the most intimate, vulnerable thing people can ever do. I know not everyone feels that way, but I do. So I need more than just a spark.”
Xavier studied me for a long time.
“What?” I demanded. “You think I’m nuts, don’t you? You think I should just ‘get out there’ and throw myself around like a cheap toy. Preferably with you, right?”
My voice was shaking. I hadn’t realized how important this was to me. But clearly it was.
Xavier raised a hand, then placed it lightly on my shoulder. It was heavy. Solid. Almost comforting.
“I wasn’t thinking that at all,” he said quietly.
“Then what?” I demanded, suddenly feeling a rush of tears. This man really did turn me into an emotional mess.
“I was thinking that a woman as beautiful as you ought to have men trailing out the door,” he said carefully. “That it’s a bloody miracle you’re not married or at least taken. But I was also thinking it makes sense that you’re waiting for the right one.”
His voice was so low I almost couldn’t hear it. But somehow more powerful than if he had shouted.
I turned. “And I suppose that’s you? Because that would be totally inappr—”
“No,” he cut me off quickly. “It’s definitely not me.”
I tried to ignore the way something in my chest dropped about a foot at his immediate refusal. I shrugged, and the hand on my shoulder fell away.
One black brow quirked. But his eyes dropped to my mouth. And stayed there.
“I just know more than anyone, don’t I? Because you’re right, Ces. You definitely need more than just a spark. You deserve a fucking bonfire.”
His eyes returned to mine, and there they stayed. We stared at each other for a long time, the sounds of the park muddying together. The rush of wind in the trees, Sofia’s babble with the ducks. All of it blended together, leaving us in a bubble, a world for just me and him, where all I wanted to do was tackle him to the ground and—
“Mommy, mommy, momeeeeee, I saw a fish, but this one was alive!” Sofia came running up to the bench, popping the bubble as soon as it had appeared. “The duckies scared it away, but maybe it will come back! Come see!”
She yanked on my arm, pulling me literally and figuratively out of my trance. Somewhat reluctantly, I stood, though I managed to free my arm.