“Thanks.” I give him a shaky smile, trying not to think about what this pregnancy will mean for my future.
What if I find a job soon? Will I even have health insurance and benefits before I have the baby? What happens after the baby is born? The thought of having a baby only to leave it in daycare all day long breaks my heart. How do moms do this? To have a baby just to be away from it for most of the day?
I plop down on the bed in a huff, and a few moments later, the mattress dips next to me.
“What’s going on, Harper?”
The expression on his face is gentle, but I saw the quick flash of panic in his eyes.
He knows something’s going on.
Don’t tell him.
Tell him.
Don’t tell him.
My head will explode from this back-and-forth soon.
Ryan said he wants one more shot at the Olympics, and I don’t want to jeopardize that. Especially while things are still so new between us. I just need a little bit more time, that’s all.
“Just trying to find my way to the surface again. You know how hard swimming against the tide is.”
“If anyone can do it, it’s you.”
His gaze is solid, and I sit a little straighter. I draw strength from it, hoping it’ll last long enough to get me back home safely before my next breakdown.
With how whacky these dang hormones have been, the next one is probably just waiting around the corner.
“Thank you.” My voice trembles, but I don’t care.
He opens his arms, and I welcome the warm embrace. It calms down the horrible chaos inside me a little. Although I didn’t grow up with my dad in my everyday life, I never felt unloved. And I had my mom. She made sure I never felt like I lacked anything. Will it be the same for my baby? Will Ryan give these sorts of hugs to our child? Because Dad’s bear hugs are the best.
I’m not sure how much time has passed, but Sharon’s voice echoes through the house, calling my dad.
“Bedtime.” His gaze wanders over my face, stopping at my bruised eye and small wound on my forehead. “How’s your head feeling?”
“It’s fine.”
“You want something for it?”
“No, but thanks.”
He nods, not looking convinced. “Try and get some good sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Night, Dad.”
I watch him as he leaves the room and closes the door behind him.
The second it clicks shut, my mask drops.
That’s the other reason I have to go back home. I can’t lie any longer. Not in Sharon and my dad’s faces.
Nor can I pretend like everything’s peachy because that’s so far from the truth. It’s exhausting. At least I don’t have to pretend anymore when I’m back home.
But I also have to face my new reality.
Everything I do or don’t do, every decision I make, I have to consider another human being. So the big question is, what will happen next?