Smoothing down the navy fabric of my dress, I turned to the mirror, checking all my angles to make sure everything looked okay. Peering over my shoulder, I caught my reflection, the expression of insecurity catching me off guard as I bit my lip. I hadn’t cared what I looked like in so long; the feeling had become foreign to me.
In reality, it was the first time in forever I’d felt confident about my body. Yet, the conditioned response lingered after years of emotional abuse. Thoughts wanted to rise up, my subconscious mind fearful of not meeting expectations. How many times had I wanted to feel like I was good enough in the eyes of my mother? Brian? Classmates and colleagues even?
It was a heavy thing to realize you’d spent so many years trying to measure up to others’ expectations of yourself, that you’d forgotten what was important to you.
Staring at my reflection, I realized I didn’t know myself. Not anymore.
But unlike before—when I’d been so depressed, the weight blanketed me into an empty void making me unrecognizable—this was a good change.
My hair was clean and shiny, no longer hanging off me lifelessly. My complexion was clear and dewy, something I’d worked to achieve for years, and now looked natural. I had a nice color to my cheeks, the sun bringing out my olive complexion and was no longer the oily and pale pallor it had become. My shoulders were set back, my posture confident, and I could feel a difference in my stance. Yet, it was my eyes that had the most glaringly obvious transformation.
No longer empty, I didn’t see fear, self-loathing, or contempt for life staring back at me. Instead, I found a brightness I’d never seen before residing there. I wouldn’t deny there was also some mania, a hint of rebelliousness edging in. Mostly, though, a strength I’d never known before stared back, challenging me. My mask had cracked, and I shone through.
And quite frankly, it terrified the shit out of me.
Perhaps, that was an odd reaction because I should want to be happy and strong, and I did. That wasn’t the issue. But if I no longer had the ‘perfect Loren’ mask to hide behind, who did it make me? Would people like this ‘real’ Loren?
But maybe most importantly, how long did I have before someone tried to take it? Without the mask, the wall shielding my emotions, I was open and vulnerable to any attack. And if I didn’t think I was currently in a battle forged between the past and the present, I was deluding myself. I was on a precipice, the odds shifting with each win and loss.
Brian wouldn’t want me to look or feel strong, especially without him. Jacqueline wouldn’t either. I had to accept the fact they were narcissists, and unless they controlled me, they wouldn’t back down. The extreme reaction with Barkley only proved it. They were a live grenade I would need to handle delicately, or I would lose more than the light I’d cultivated inside me. I could lose Jude, too.
A few months ago, I would’ve said the men I’d grown close to, the ones I didn’t want to admit I pictured in my life, were the reason for this change. But I didn’t believe that anymore. I’d already lost them and survived. It had been hard, and part of me feared I was only setting myself up for failure, trusting them again, but if anything, I’d proven to myself I could do it on my own.
I needed to own my strength and validate my own achievements, or I’d never change.
“Lor, can you help me with this?” Jude asked, breaking me out of my thoughts. He stood in the doorway, staring down at the tie he had wrapped around his neck, looking at it in confusion. Chuckling, I walked the short distance and took the long strands from him. Almost as if no time had passed, I found myself folding and tucking the tie into a crisp knot. I didn’t have to do it often for Brian, he’d been proficient, but every now and then, it had been an intimate gesture I’d do. The sudden intrusion into the moment had me clearing my throat as I stepped back.
“There you go. You look really nice, Jude.”
“Thanks. It’s not horrible,” he joked. “I’ve never worn something this nice before. Hell, I’ve never worn a suit before. I’m nervous I’ll get something on it and ruin it.”
Grabbing my earrings, I put them on as I answered him. “Nonsense. It’s just clothes. They can be dry cleaned, or if it’s something crazy, then replaced. I know you’re not going to be some spoiled princess who’s careless and doesn’t take care of things because they know no value. So, don’t stress over something that, at the end of the day, is meaningless.”
“Huh, never been happier to not be a spoiled princess before.”
Sticking out my tongue, I shook my head, laughing. “Well, I didn’t say you weren’t a nuisance.”
“Yes! Means I’m doing my job as a teenager.”
“You’re hilarious.” I walked over, grabbing his hands in mine. “I’m happy you’re here. Thank you for going with me.”
“Yeah, no problem.” He shuffled on his feet, the emotion making him uncomfortable.
“I know, I know, too much emotion. Come on, let’s see how long it takes my mother’s head to explode.”
Placing my arm in his, we laughed as we made our way to the door, ready to take on the evils of the world. Well, okay, maybe just the evils of Chicago’s upper echelon.
* * *
Walkingthrough the hotel with Jude, we made our way to the ballroom where the wedding would take place. We turned the corner when I came to an abrupt stop at the sight before me. Blinking, the image didn’t clear, and I turned to Jude, whispering to him.
“You see it too, right? I’m not hallucinating?”
Jude laughed, shaking his head. ”No, Lor. You’re not stroking out or whatever. I see them too.”
Releasing a breath, we kept walking toward the strange duo leaning against the wall. I didn’t want to make it obvious, but the slight licking of my lips had one of them smirking, his ice-blue eyes flaming with his intentions. When I left him this morning, I’d pushed down the doubt, ignoring the thought it would be only one night. I didn’t see Sax as the type of man to be tied down, but seeing him here now, it made my insides flutter.
His wall companion also had my heart kick-starting, and I felt myself caving even more to him. I hadn’t thought he would work this hard for it, never having anyone do it before, especially after he’d seemed to cave earlier. Brian had never tried, and when I didn’t give him what he wanted, he went and found it himself. And yet, Nicco stood there as well, hands in his pockets with a sheepish smile on his face.