“But?”
“But, they’re just words and you hurt me, deeply. I’ve had to have this conversation a lot in the past few weeks, but it’s the hardest with you. I woke up alone, surrounded by people who I’ve come to realize possibly hate me, having to learn I’d almost died and had been in a coma for a week. Maybe I could overlook that, and forgive you, with the understanding that you weren’t able to reach out to me, even if it doesn’t make any sense to me.”
Looking up, I met his eyes this time, tears filling mine, a truth rising to the surface I’d been ignoring.
“But you didn’t just fail me; you failed Jude too. You knew how much he meant to me, and in the chaos of everything, you were the only one who might have known what was at stake and going on. And well, you left him on his own. You didn’t reach out, and he was taken to a group home. I don’t know if I can forgive you for leaving me yet, but I definitely can’t for you leaving Jude. It’s my job to protect him now, and I can’t have someone in my life who doesn’t see that.”
Tears streamed down my face, Nicco’s eyes holding them as well. He nodded, wiping them, acceptance coming over him. The part of me that had held out hope he would fight for me fell, dying on the spot. I hadn’t realized the response I’d wanted from him until that moment when he didn’t do it.
I wanted him to fight for me, to fight for us, to show me he’d meant everything he said, and that I wasn’t just a hookup. But he didn’t.
“Fair enough. I did fail you, Loren, and Jude. And I can’t apologize enough for that.”
Nodding, I slid off the stool, prepared to show him out. “I’ll show you to the door. Thank you for coming.”
My words held no emotion, falling flat as I deflated internally. I took a step forward, headed to the hallway. I’d only taken two steps when his hand sealed over my bicep, and for a moment, my breath caught, the move reminiscent of Brian grabbing me when I failed him in some way. I froze, my body going rigid as I tried to calm my heart. When Nicco felt my body tense, he thankfully let go, moving around in front of me instead.
“I’m sorry, Loren. I didn’t mean to grab you. I just wanted to stop you.”
His hands were held out in front of him in a placating gesture as I slowed my heart rate, grounding myself in the present.
Taking a step back, I saw his eyes fill with pain. I hadn’t meant to make him feel that way, but I needed space right then. I had to put my own safety first for once. It was something I couldn’t sacrifice anymore. Nodding, I waited for him to say whatever he needed to say that had him reaching out for me.
“I wasn’t finished, Loren. I did fail you. I don’t deny that, but what I also want you to know is that I’m going to prove to you that I’m worth taking a chance on. If I can only be in your life as a friend right now, then I will. It will kill me, but it’s better than not having you in my life at all, Beautiful. Can I at least have that chance?”
“I don’t know. It’s not just me I have to think about.”
“If I could interject,” Jude said from the corner, stepping into view, a sheepish Monroe behind him with a bag of food.
“Sorry, we didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but we also didn’t feel like we should intrude on that personal moment,” Monroe clarified.
I smiled, wiping my eyes more as they both walked toward me and realized we were about to have another pileup in the hallway. Taking a step back, I pivoted until I was back in the kitchen. The guys followed, Monroe placing the food on the counter and made himself at home getting drinks together. Nicco observed him, and I couldn’t decide if he was angry, jealous, or just intrigued.
“Lor, I’ve had a week to think about Nicco and everything that went down. Immy’s letter was vague, but I could figure out enough to know it wasn’t a conscious choice, neither one of them was able to do anything about it. Whether or not you want to believe him, I guess that is up to you. But from my perspective, I do, and I forgive him. I’ve been around a lot of liars and fake people, and I know the difference. Nicco isn’t lying. So whatever you want to do with my two cents, there it is. Just don’t make a decision because of me. I appreciate it and love you even more for it, but this isn’t a time where I think it matters.”
“You love me, huh, kiddo?” I asked, the words coming over his tongue so easily, I couldn’t help but call them out.
His cheeks reddened, the admittance apparently slipping freely. “Yeah, I do.”
“Good, because I love you too, Jude.”
Pulling him into a hug, I held him in my arms for a second, knowing he was wise beyond his years, his life teaching him to know those things. And while I hated it for him, I couldn’t dismiss it just because I was scared of being hurt. It would be unfair to use him as an excuse and then discount his experiences and feelings in the process. When I pulled back, I noticed Monroe and Nicco watching us. They stood next to one another, and I didn’t want to admit how good they looked side by side.
One was all light, golden hair with pale green eyes, the other was dark hair with stormy eyes, and tattoos covering his bronze skin, bad boy written all over him. And yet, while their exteriors differed significantly, I knew they were both nice guys, good guys, the kind that had hearts of gold. The packaging was just slightly different.
Sighing, I wiped my face again, knowing I’d need to do some type of mask to get rid of all the puffiness before the wedding, or everyone would think I was crying for other reasons.
“Fine. Jude makes a valid point. I don’t know if I can trust you yet, Nicco. You abandoned me when I needed you, and that hurts. Out of all the people who left, you were the one I’d connected to the most. I can’t promise that things will move in that direction again, even if my body wants to. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t say I haven’t missed you or wished I could talk to you.”
“So, are you saying you’ll give me a chance?”
“Yeah, as friends.”
“Okay, I can accept that, and I’ll show you that you can trust me again. I promise. I’ll be the best damn friend you’ve ever had.”
“Don’t make a promise you can’t keep. The lie hurts too much.”
I’d whispered it, but he still heard it, striking his heart. I didn’t mean to keep hurting him, but it was true, and I needed to remind myself of what was at stake. He nodded, swallowing. Monroe walked back over, having set the table with Jude and giving us a modicum of privacy.
“I hope it’s not too presumptuous, but I grabbed a few extra sandwiches if you want to join us, Nicco, and if that’s okay with you, Lo?”
I glanced at Nicco, hope shining in his eyes. “Yeah, if it’s okay with you, I’m good.”
“I’d love to.”
So that was how I ended up having the weirdest lunch ever with an ex-booty call, my ‘has potential’ neighbor, and foster kid. It wasn’t as odd or uncomfortable as I expected, making me wonder for the first time if something unconventional could actually work. Wells and Monroe seemed to think so, but did that apply to others too, or only them?
As we all laughed at a story Jude told us over deli sandwiches and chips, a picture began to form in my heart, one I wasn’t ready to acknowledge, but one all the same, and I was surprised who all it included.