Oh, no. Not that.
She heaved a heavy sigh when he didn’t say anything, scared to say it, terrified that she might be right, but knowing she had to ask. ‘If you’re having second thoughts about being involved with this baby, Coop, you need to tell me.’ She met his gaze, the flags of colour on his cheeks shining beneath his tan. ‘I want you to be part of its life, very much.’
Maybe she still didn’t know much about how he really felt about parenthood, but the things she had learned about him in the last week had convinced her of that much. His generosity, his intelligence, the quick wit that always made her laugh, the care he took with her, his need to look out for her and protect her and the capable, patient way he’d taught her how to scuba-dive, not to mention that reckless, dangerously exciting streak that made her feel bold too, made her sure he would make a wonderful father. ‘I’m not here to force a connection on you that you don’t feel.’
She couldn’t make him want to be a father, however much she might want to. That wouldn’t be fair on him, and it certainly wouldn’t be fair on her child.
‘If you’re not ready to discuss this yet, it’s probably best if I just leave.’
The calm, rhythmic sound of the ocean lapping against the side of the boat stretched across the silence. She flinched as he raked his fingers through his hair and broke the silence with a bitter curse.
* * *
What the hell did he say to that?
She was looking at him with those big round trusting eyes. And he knew he hadn’t been honest with her, or with himself.
But he didn’t want her to leave. Not yet. He wasn’t ready. And he did want to figure out what to do about the kid. But the more she’d talked about the baby, the more inadequate it had made him feel, until the problem had become so huge he’d clammed up completely. Plus, it had been so damn easy just to get lost in her and forget about all that. She was so cute and funny and engaging. Everything he showed her she loved; everything they did together she threw herself into with a complete lack of fear. She was smart and funny and resourceful and so eager and responsive. Especially in bed.
But she was right: he’d played her, even if he hadn’t really intended to. And now he owed her an explanation.
‘Come here, Ella.’ He tried to take her into his arms, the guilt tightening his throat when she grasped his forearms to hold him off.
‘Please, just give me a straight answer, Coop. Don’t try to sugar-coat it, okay. I can take it.’
He wasn’t so sure of that. ‘I swear, no more messing you about.’
He sat on the boat’s bench seat, and gently pulled her into his lap, pathetically grateful when she didn’t resist him again.
‘There’s no need to make up excuses.’ She cupped his cheek and the guilt peaked. ‘I understand if you feel overwhelmed.’
He covered her hand and dragged it away from her face. ‘Stop being so damn reasonable, Ella.’
She stiffened in his arms. ‘This isn’t about being reasonable. It’s about being fair. I don’t want to force you to shoulder a responsibility you don’t want.’
‘Damn it, Ella, who the hell ever told you life was fair?’
It scared him how easily she could be crushed, especially by a guy like him—who always looked out for himself first.
She tried to rise, but he held her tight, pressed his forehead into her shoulder. ‘I’m sorry, don’t go...’ He sucked in a deep breath, prepared to admit at least some of the truth, even though the feel of her butt nestled against his groin was having a predictable effect.
What he wouldn’t give right now to strip off the light cotton dress and feast on her lush body—and get the hell out of this conversation. But he couldn’t carry on lying to her.
He rested his head back against the seat. Stared at the blue sky, the swooping seagulls, the clean bright sunlight. And felt the darkness he’d spent so long running away from descend over him like a fog.
He forced his head off the seat to look her in the face. ‘Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that I might not be cut out to be a dad? That you and the kid might be much better off without me?’
‘No, it hasn’t,’ she said and the total confidence in her voice sneaked past all the defences he’d put in place over the years. ‘I realise you’re not as ecstatic about this pregnancy as I am. But that doesn’t mean you won’t be a good father when the time comes. If you’re willing to try?’
‘I want to try, but I just don’t know if...’
‘There aren’t any guarantees, Coop, not when it comes to being a parent. You just have to do what comes naturally and hope for the best.’
‘I guess, but you’ll be a lot better at that than I am,’ he said, able to appreciate the irony.
‘Maybe you should ask yourself why you’re so insecure about this. Would that help?’
‘I doubt it.’ He definitely didn’t want to go there.