‘Of course you can, Cai-baby,’ I said, using the nickname which always made him giggle.
‘I’m not a baby any more, Mummy. I’m a big boy.’ The infectious laughter—so innocent, so delighted—only tightened the knots of anguish in my stomach. Whatever happened next, my only thought now had to be to protect my child from the fallout of this revelation.
I knelt down so I could hold Cai and momentarily shield myself from the accusatory frown of the man standing behind him.
‘Yes, but have you been a good boy?’ I asked.
Cai nodded furiously. ‘Yes, Mummy. Ask Auntie Jessie, she’ll tell you, I had my nap without making any fuss at all.’
‘Is that true, Jess?’ I asked my cousin, who had entered the lounge behind Cai and was glancing backwards and forwards between Alexi and his child.
I’d never told Jessie who Cai’s father was—and she knew nothing about motor racing, so she wouldn’t recognise my form
er employer—but it was obvious she had noticed the resemblance.
‘I wouldn’t say no fuss,’ she said, letting out a nervous half-laugh. ‘But certainly minimal fuss. Shall I take Cai back to the car hangar and see if he can sit in the car yet?’ she added, sizing up the situation.
Thank you, Jessie. You are my life saver. Again.
I nodded. ‘Great.’ I cleared my throat, my voice breaking on the word, my gratitude for all this woman had done for me and Cai over the last five years choking me. ‘I’ll join you in a minute.’
At least whatever I had to face with Alexi now would not be faced in front of Cai.
‘Yes!’ Cai jumped up and punched the air, his face beaming with triumph and happiness. ‘Come soon, Mummy, I want you to see me sit in the car too. And take pictures to show Imran,’ he said, mentioning his best friend at pre-school.
He went to run to Jessie but stopped abruptly, noticing Alexi for the first time. ‘Hello,’ he said with the confidence of a four-year-old who had never learned to be intimidated by anything. ‘Are you my mummy’s friend?’
Alexi stared at his son without speaking, and the guilt which I had tried so hard not to acknowledge for so long all but overwhelmed me.
Had I done a terrible thing, not contacting Alexi? I wondered as I watched Alexi’s gaze roam over his son’s features, absorbing every detail.
‘Yes,’ Alexi said at last, lifting his gaze from Cai to me, his voice a rasp of emotion.
The slow-burning judgement in his eyes—judgement I recognised from all those years ago by Remy’s graveside—made it clear that was a lie.
He wasn’t my friend. He was my adversary.
Thankfully Cai didn’t notice the harsh look as he rushed to join Jessie. But he stopped at the door and turned back, gifting Alexi one of his sunniest smiles. ‘You can come too and see me sit in the car if you like.’
Alexi nodded. ‘Okay.’
Jessie ushered Cai out of the room, sending me a concerned look. ‘Take as long as you need,’ she said.
It occurred to me that for ever might not be long enough as the door shut behind them. I had brought this on myself. Now I had to negotiate a way out of it. But was that even possible?
The silence descended like a shroud as I waited for the axe to fall but, when Alexi spoke, he said the last thing I had expected.
‘Your son’s resemblance to Remy is remarkable. Why the hell didn’t you tell me you were carrying his child when I kicked you out?’
For a moment I was confused, but then I remembered the accusation Alexi had flung at me at the graveside—that I had cheated on Remy, that we both had. That Remy and I had been more than friends...that we had been lovers.
For another moment, I considered letting Alexi believe that misconception. If I told him Cai was Remy’s child, he would have no real claim on my son. On our son.
But it only took a moment more for the mushroom cloud of guilt I had denied for so long to halt that line of reasoning.
There had been so many lies between us and so many omissions. I had kept Remy’s sexuality a secret for five years, just like the secret of our son’s existence, and it had brought us both to this point.
I had to tell Alexi the truth now, however hard. No more excuses.