Why had I kept my innocence a secret? Why had I ever been ashamed of my lack of experience? Suddenly I didn’t care how vulnerable it made me for him to know he was the only man I had ever wanted... Ever loved.
I had owned the mistakes I’d made—not telling him of Cai’s existence—but he had never owned his. Because I’d never told him the truth. But, if I never did, he would always have this power over me. I would always be less than him. Why shouldn’t I own my feelings, own the love I had for him? If he didn’t want my love, he could reject me again, but I’d be damned if I’d let him ride in and claim my body, make this all about sex when for me if had always been so much more.
‘I’ve never slept with another man,’ I said, gritting the words out. ‘Only you. I’ve never felt for any other man what I feel for you. But that doesn’t mean you own me, not any more.’
I could still see the staggered incredulity in his eyes and my heart shattered in my chest, just as it had a month ago. Just as it had five years ago. For so long I’d despised that foolish girl for her wayward emotions but, as I stared back at him, I didn’t despise her any more. I had been right to feel what I did. The mistake I had made was never to admit it.
Hiding my feelings to protect myself from hurt had only allowed him to hide his too...
‘I’ve just told you I love you, Alexi. That I’ve always loved you. Don’t you have anything to say to me?’
He blinked but then his face became the mask I’d seen so many times before. The mask that kept him safe. I knew that mask, because I’d worn it myself.
‘How can you love me?’ he finally said, sounding shocked now as well as incredulous.
‘Really, that’s all you have to say?’ I said.
When he didn’t speak, I huffed out a sad laugh that tasted bitter on my tongue. I hadn’t expected a return declaration of undying love. But I had hoped for something, despite everything. One burning tear slipped over my lid and trickled down my cheek, his gaze tracking it as I brushed it away. ‘Then I guess there’s nothing more to talk about,’ I murmured.
He didn’t believe me. He didn’t trust me. And now I knew he never would.
I turned to go, keeping my back straight and my legs as steady as I could. But as I took a step away I heard a choked cry.
‘Wait! Stop...’
He grasped my wrist, but this time he didn’t drag me back, only held on to me.
‘Per favore, non andare,’ he rasped. ‘Per favore, non lasciarmi.’
My Italian wasn’t fluent, but I understood him.
Please don’t go. Please don’t leave me.
As I turned, to my shock he dropped to his knees and pressed his forehead against the back of my hand. It was an act of supplication, of penitence so real, so powerful, so naked that the hope I had thought was dead surged back to life, firing through my heart like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
His shoulders shuddered, and for one terrible moment I thought he might be crying. I wasn’t looking at the man any more, I realised, I was looking at the boy, who had been abandoned all those years ago by a woman who should have loved him but hadn’t loved him enough.
I sunk to my knees too, the marble cold against my shins as I gripped his face. His hard jaw flexed against my fingers as I lifted his head, the sheen of moisture in his eyes piercing my heart.
‘It’s okay, Alexi, I won’t leave you,’ I said. ‘If you need me to stay.’
His breath shuddered out on a rasp of relief and he gathered me close, squeezing my ribs, my heart pummelling my chest so hard I was sure he could feel it.
‘I do... I need you so much,’ he whispered, his voice raw as he spread kisses over my cheeks, my lips, my neck, worshipping me with his mouth. ‘I always have. Forgive me for never admitting it,’ he said as he drew back, cradling my face to stare into my eyes, all the love in my heart reflected in the warm blue depths of his. He sighed, the shudder of breath reverberating through my body as he gathered me close, stroked my hair and held me to his heart as if he would never let me go.
‘I was so scared to love you,’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘So scared that if I did I would lose you, the way I lost my mother. The way I lost Remy. The way I lost you when I turned you away. Can you ever forgive me?’
I pulled out of his embrace, the tears streaming down my cheeks now unbidden. But they were no longer tears of sadness, of heartache, they were tears of love. ‘There is nothing to forgive,’ I said, my voice thick with the happy tears.
A small drop escaped his own eye, but even as he scrubbed it away with his fist the emotion behind it pierced my heart.
It was a tear for us both, of sadness for all that we had suffered, for all that we had lost. And a tear of joy, for all that we had gained and would continue to gain. Together.
‘There is much to forgive,’ he said, but the wry smile that lifted his lips only intensified the joy. ‘But I intend to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.’
Standing up, he offered me his hand. I took it and let him haul me off the cold stone and into his arms. The insistent heat rose to match the warm glow in my heart.
‘If you will let me?’ he asked, his hands settling on my waist as his gaze searched my face, still a little unsure, still so naked with need.