‘How?’ Because she’d dearly love to know.
‘Some things, like love, can’t be switched on and off,’ said Zoe, picking up her knife and fork and levelling her a look, ‘but trust isn’t one of them. Trust is a choice you can make, Lily, and I think you should think very carefully about the one you’ve made because Kit’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you and if you don’t sort out what you want and fix things you could blow it for good.’
As Zoe turned her attention to her fish Lily took a sip of wine and tried to unravel all the thoughts that were now churning round in her head.
Was her sister right? Was she still punishing Kit for what he’d done all those years ago? Had she been hiding from everything again? Was she making a mistake? Could she trust him?
As the answers she’d never have expected filtered into her head the foundations of everything she’d been convinced of recently began to crack.
Maybe she was still punishing him, she thought, her throat tightening as her heart thumped. Apart from that one brief moment, that complete aberration, Kit was the most reliable man she’d ever known. The most sincere. The most loyal. Yes, he’d had a one-night stand but he’d come clean immediately afterwards. Regretted it ever since, he’d said. He might have cheated but he hadn’t lied. He’d always been totally honest with her. Been so open he was practically transparent.
But she hadn’t been, had she? She’d asked for openness from him but she hadn’t reciprocated. Instead she’d gone into denial. Unable to cope with what she was feeling, she’d shied away from it instead of confronting it. And then she’d run away like a coward in case she got hurt again.
Right now, though, the only person hurting her was herself and that was something she could fix because Zoe was right. Trust was a choice she could make and there was no one more deserving of it than Kit.
She’d been such a fool. She’d had no reason not to trust him, a billion reasons why she should and why she could, and instead she’d allowed herself to take the easy way out and run away, while he’d abandoned his pride and almost begged her to reconsider.
‘What if I already have blown it, Zoe?’ she said, shame and regret making her voice hoarse.
In the process of stabbing a piece of her fish with her fork Zoe stilled, glanced up and said, ‘Then I suggest you make your way PDQ to the Fitness Rules gym next t
o Kit’s hotel, where I happen to know he and Dan are playing squash, and unblow it.’
FIFTEEN
‘Well, that was quite a game,’ said Dan, rubbing his neck and wincing as he rolled his shoulders. ‘I’m not sure I’m ever going to recover.’
Feeling a stab of guilt, Kit wiped the sweat off his forehead and then threw the towel round his neck. ‘Sorry,’ he muttered, gloomily reflecting that if he’d known he was going to take his mood out on his squash partner he’d have cancelled this afternoon’s game. Probably should have cancelled it anyway because maintaining a friendship with a man who was soon to be Lily’s brother-in-law was hardly conducive to his intention to move on, however much he liked him.
‘Not a problem,’ said Dan easily. ‘I can take losing once in a while. You look like hell by the way.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Anything you want to talk about?’
‘Not particularly,’ said Kit, stuffing his racket into its case and then slinging his bag over his shoulder.
‘Right. Good.’ Dan picked up his own bag and together they walked from the court in the direction of the changing rooms. ‘So I heard that you and Lily had split up,’ he said conversationally and the pain that shot through Kit made his breath catch.
‘Yeah,’ he said casually, as if it didn’t rip his heart to shreds just to think about it.
‘Want to know how she is?’
Desperately. ‘I couldn’t care less.’
‘No. Right. Well, I guess that’s understandable seeing as how she dumped you.’
Kit flinched and ruthlessly obliterated the sudden memory of that night in the garden when he hadn’t been able to fix things.
‘But if you did,’ Dan continued, ‘I’d have to tell you that she’s a heartbroken wreck. Zoe’s words, not mine. I’d also have to tell you that she looks like death warmed up. But you don’t care, so I won’t.’
At the knowledge that Lily sounded as miserable as he was, Kit felt something inside him collapse. All that drivel about wiping her from his life and his heart, probably, because who had he been kidding? There was absolutely zero chance of that happening.
Grinding his teeth against his pathetically weak willpower when it came to Lily, Kit gave in to the need to talk to someone and maybe get a different take on the situation because he hadn’t exactly been doing brilliantly on his own. ‘Did you know she doesn’t think she can trust me?’ he said, dumping his things on a bench and sitting down in case his limbs gave out.
‘I had heard.’
‘Any thoughts as to what I can do about that?’