He poured himself another glass of whisky and noticed his hand was shaking. ‘You’re going to say we need to talk, aren’t you?’
A flicker of surprise flashed in her eyes and then she nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘Because this isn’t working, is it?’ he said, the struggle he was having keeping a grip on his emotions making his voice hoarse.
‘No.’
‘Want to tell me why?’
Her eyes filled with tears and her chin trembled and it was all he could do not to take her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be all right because he didn’t think it was. ‘I can’t bear to.’
‘Tell me, Lily. I won’t break.’ Although the possibility was there.
‘But I might.’
‘Come on,’ he said, trying to give her a smile but failing. ‘Be brave.’
She nodded and blinked, but it didn’t get rid of the shimmer of tears and it didn’t stop the tremble of her chin. ‘I thought I could do this,’ she said, her voice breaking. ‘But I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because there’s this thing.’ She rubbed her chest and frowned as if she didn’t totally get it. ‘It’s so tiny. But it’s there. And I just can’t seem to get rid of it. That night you went away the first time, after we had that argument about Paula, I couldn’t get hold of you and I couldn’t help wondering what you were doing and who you were with.’
‘I told you what I was doing and who I was with.’
‘I know. And I believed you. I still do. But I think it started something and it won’t go back.’
‘What is it?’
‘A lack of trust.’
‘You can trust me.’
‘Can I?’
‘Of course you can.’
‘But how do I know that? Tell me, because I desperately want to.’
She looked at him despairingly, as if it was something she’d asked herself a dozen times over, and what could he say? Because she could? What kind of an answer was that? Apart from the only one he had. He’d never do anything to betray her trust, but how could he expect her to believe him when he’d already broken it once?
‘Because I love you.’
She put a hand on his cheek and he could feel his skin burning beneath her touch. ‘And I love you. More than I ever did before. At the risk of sounding soppy you are my sun and stars. You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted. The only man I’ve ever loved and probably ever will love. The thought of never kissing you again, never holding you again or never speaking to you again makes me feel physically sick. I have this pain deep inside me, like a hand’s reaching right inside and twisting everything inside me into knots.’
‘Then don’t think about it.’
‘I have to.’
‘Why?’
‘Because without trust loving you isn’t enough.’ She shook her head and pulled her hand away and the loss of her warmth felt like an icicle through his heart. ‘It’s not going to work, Kit. It’s just not going to work.’
At the sad finality in her voice panic welled up inside him. ‘What can I do, Lily? Tell me. Whatever it is I’ll do it.’
‘There’s nothing either of us can do.’
‘There must be.’