And then she started enjoying herself.
Zoe was sparkling like the diamond solitaire that adorned the third finger of her left hand. Celia was wickedly clever and outrageously entertaining. The place was jumping, the tapas-style food delicious and she had a nice buzz. Almost nice enough to forget what a hash she was making of things with Kit.
‘Right,’ said Celia, once the waitress had returned with a fresh round of drinks. ‘So I know this is Zoe’s hen night and everything, but to be honest, as that Mr & Mrs quiz thing proved, she’s so besotted by my brother that that story’s boring.’
‘Hey,’ protested Zoe.
‘Well, it is.’ With a grin Celia turned to Lily. ‘Your relationship on the other hand sounds absolutely fascinating.’
Lily somehow managed to drum up a smile, but it was hard when despite the uplifting effect of the tequila her spirits plummeted. ‘Fascinating is not the word,’ she said dully.
‘Then what is? Awesome? Steaming? Mind-blowing?’
‘Technically mind-blowing’s two words,’ said Zoe.
‘The word you’re looking for is hopeless,’ said Lily, and to her horror she could feel the backs of her eyes beginning to prickle.
Celia stared at her. ‘What?’
‘Mine’s a study in how not to have a relationship,’ she said, the happy buzz now a dim and distant memory as the desolation and loneliness she’d been feeling recently welled up inside her.
‘Oh? How come?’
Lily swallowed. ‘First time round we screwed it up so badly I shut myself off and Kit had a one-night stand.’
In the ensuing silence Celia stared at her. ‘Jeez.’
‘I know,’ said Zoe. ‘Bad, huh?’
Celia frowned. ‘But now you’re back together.’
Lily nodded and sighed. ‘Yes. And making a complete and utter hash of it.’
Zoe gasped. Celia simply shook her head in amazement. ‘I’m not surprised, because, really, how could you ever trust him after something like that?’
And just like that Lily froze as the truth of it struck her. Celia had hit the nail on the head. She didn’t trust him. At all. ‘I can’t,’ she breathed and, as the knowledge sank in, felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her because suddenly all the confusion and questions she’d been tormenting herself with recently made sense. Absolute and devastating sense.
‘What?’ said Zoe, looking at her worryingly.
‘I don’t trust him,’ she said, faintly reeling. ‘I don’t think I have for months.’
‘Oops,’ muttered Celia. ‘I really shouldn’t have asked.’
For a split second Lily was tempted to agree with her because part of her would rather have remained in the dark.
Now she knew, though, she had no choice but to admit what she’d probably known every time she’d had to stop herself reaching for his phone or laptop. Every time he’d gone out or away and the niggle of doubt over what he was really doing and who he was really with had returned. Every time she’d secretly wondered whether he was telling her the truth.
Everything that logic would have told her had she not been so deeply in denial.
She didn’t trust him.
Her mind spun with the thought of it, the thought of what it meant, which was now blindingly, agonisingly clear. There was only one way for their relationship to go, she realised as her heart wrenched, because she might love him with everything she was and everything she had, but that didn’t mean anything without trust.
She had to talk to him. Had to explain. Even if it meant the end. She owed him the truth, however heartbreaking it was going to be, and she owed it to him now.
‘Zoe, Celia, I’m sorry,’ she said, now feeling as sober as if she’d been drinking nothing but water all night as she got shakily to her feet, her eyes stinging and her throat tight, ‘but I’ve got to go.’
*