‘Those don’t seem to matter either. My lifestyle’s already changed for one reason or another and I find I don’t mind at all. You know, maybe I’ve been waiting for something like this to happen.’
Her eyebrows shot up. ‘An accidental pregnancy?’
‘Not exactly, but something that makes me evaluate my life.’ Which was something he’d been doing quite a bit of actually. Recently the thing Dan had said about Marcus turning into Jim Forrester had been gnawing away at him. Did he really want to be fifty and chasing every woman he could? No, he didn’t, so maybe once things had settled down he’d look at embarking on a proper relationship. One that might cure him of his inconvenient and impossible attraction to Celia.
‘Do you miss him?’
Marcus shrugged and twirled the stem of his wine glass, watching the dark red wine swirl around. ‘It’s not too bad any more.’
‘But you did for a while?’
‘Like a missing limb.’
‘And that’s why you went off the rails.’
He nodded. ‘Mainly.’
‘And what about your mother? Do you miss her?’
Something inside him chilled a little and he abandoned his glass to pick up the knife and point it at the tart. ‘More pudding?’
Celia shook her head. ‘No, thanks. It was delicious, though.’
‘Coffee?’
‘No, thanks,’ she said again, only this time with a tiny frown.
‘Tea?’
‘Nothing, thank you. Except an answer. That would be nice.’
It wouldn’t be nice at all, he thought darkly, clearing the table and refusing her offer of help. Which, with hindsight, was probably a mistake because instead of being busy with dishes, she had time to wonder.
‘Why are you avoiding the question, Marcus?’ she asked, and he could feel her eyes on him.
‘Because it’s a tricky one to answer,’ he muttered.
‘Why?’
With a deep sigh, Marcus abandoned the crockery and turned to lean against the counter. ‘Following my father’s death neither of us were very good at dealing with our grief,’ he said, folding his arms across his chest as if that might somehow suppress the memories. ‘I went wild. She withdrew into herself. Ultimately she’d loved him so much she couldn’t live without him. Literally.’
She nodded, her eyes filling with sympathy, compassion and pity, and he couldn’t work out whether it pissed him off or made him grateful. ‘I heard. I’m sorry.’
He shrugged. ‘Nothing to be sorry about. She just couldn’t go on without him, that was all.’
‘She must have been in a very bad way.’
‘She was. She was deeply depressed, even though I don’t think she realised it. I certainly didn’t.’
‘No, well, how could you have?’
The guilt struck him square in the chest and his jaw tightened. ‘If I’d been less hell-bent on self-destruction I might have.’
‘She’d have found a way whatever you’d done.’
‘If I’d at least tried she might have thought I was worth sticking around for.’
For a moment there was absolute silence and Marcus wished he could take back the words because he’d said too much. Way too much.