She swallowed, her heart thumping as she tried to unravel the mess in her head. ‘Maybe,’ she said, rubbing her temples. ‘I don’t know.’
She wasn’t lying. She didn’t know, because she couldn’t work it out
. What on earth had happened back there? She’d been so sure she had it all figured out. That the course of action she’d started on was the right one.
Logically she thought that still. But emotionally...well, emotionally, she was all over the place, and had been pretty much ever since they’d turned up at the clinic.
She’d sat in that doctor’s office, listening to what she’d said as if hearing the words through a wall of soup, and weirdly and worryingly her resolve had begun to weaken. And then the doctor had done an ultrasound and it had drained away completely.
How could everything she’d spent so long analysing be thrown on its head by one tiny little pulse fluttering at a hundred and sixty beats a minute? It didn’t make any sense.
‘I mean, it was fine when I thought it was just a bundle of cells or something,’ she said, aware that Marcus was waiting for her to explain. ‘But seeing the heartbeat...’ She tailed off because how could she ever even begin to describe the feelings that had pummelled through her, and, in any case, why would he even want her to try?
‘I know,’ he said gruffly.
‘And before that, all those pictures...’
‘I understand.’
‘It set something off inside me. Something instinctive.’ She shrugged as if it were nothing but a minor blip, forced a smile to her face and shoved aside her doubts. ‘But don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll pass.’
It had to, didn’t it? Because she couldn’t change her mind. She’d told him that she thought abortion was for the best and he’d agreed. He’d been quite firm about that. How selfish of her would it be to back out now and land him with the kind of commitment that lasted a lifetime, the kind he clearly didn’t want?
He frowned. ‘You really think so?’
Her throat went tight but she nodded. ‘Of course. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? I can’t have a baby.’
‘Why not?’
Huh?
She stared at him, faintly taken aback. Had he forgotten the conversation they’d had only three days ago? ‘We talked about this, remember?’
‘We talked about why not having a baby was a good idea. We didn’t discuss option number one at all.’
‘No, well, we didn’t need to. We were in agreement.’
‘I have a feeling we still are.’
She blinked, a bit baffled by that. ‘What?’
He looked at her intently, his eyes glinting, his jaw set with a determination she’d never seen before. ‘Tell me why you think you can’t have it.’
‘Because I love my job. I want the partnership. I deserve it. It’s what I’ve been working towards.’ Hadn’t they been through this already?
‘Plenty of other women have children and a demanding job, don’t they?’
‘Of course they do.’
‘So why not you?’
‘It’s not that simple, Marcus,’ she said, wondering how he’d forgotten about all the other reasons they’d come up with for why having this baby would be a bad idea.
‘Isn’t it?’
Exasperation slid through her. What was he trying to do here? Did he want her to change her mind? That didn’t make any sense at all. ‘You know it isn’t.’
‘OK, well, let’s look at it hypothetically.’