Bear laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.”
“Talk to you after I have my chat with her. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight and thank you.” Outlaw didn’t even bother to reply.
“I think that was the right thing to do. We’ll work on getting her not to leave and come for Christmas. So, let’s talk about something else. What’s going on with Todd?”
Bear gave a tiny jerk when I mentioned Todd’s name. I knew it! They’d been doing something that did involve him. He gave me a blank look. Don’t even try it buddy, I thought.
“We’re still on the lookout if he shows his face here. Why?”
“Bullshit. There is no way you’re sitting here waiting. You guys aren’t made that way. Why would you lie?”
“Baby, this is club business. I can’t and won’t talk to you about it. I’ll let you know when it’s safe to leave the compound on your own, okay?”
I lay there looking at him for a minute then I nodded. “That’s fine. Oh, I forgot to say, I have an appointment with the OB/GYN doctor Zara recommended, Dr. Foreman.”
“Excellent, what day and time?” he asked me eagerly.
I gave him my best blank look before I replied. “Honey, that’s a woman’s business. I can’t and won’t talk to you about it. I’ll let you know when it’s time to take me to the hospital to have the baby and then you can sit in the waiting room until I have it.”
He stared at me in shock. “What do you mean it’s a woman’s business? It’s my baby too. I want to know what’s going on with him or her. I want to see the sonograms and talk to the doctor. And I’m not sitting in the waiting room, I’ll be in there with you. What the hell kind of shit is this?” His voice had gotten a tad louder.
I raised my eyebrow. “Well, it’s like this. Todd Hamilton is my issue, not your club’s, or at least he’s secondarily yours. However, I don’t know the most basic shit about what’s going on with the hunt for him. So, that means to me that anything I think is my business, I don’t tell you since your involvement is secondary. I’m the one carrying and having this kid, not you. I’ll tell you what I think you should know,” I told him calmly, as I fought not to come up off the cot and ask him what the fuck he was smoking!
A growl actually came out of him. I could see a little of what had earned him the road name of Bear. “That’s not the same, Ilara! Not by a long shot. Hamilton is dangerous. You can’t be close to him. You need to be able to say you have no idea where he is if asked. With the baby, there isn’t any danger in me knowing all the details or going with you.”
“Actually, it could be dangerous and I don’t want to put that kind of stress on you. Pregnancies aren’t always perfect. I’m used to doing things like this alone. You’ll appreciate it when you don’t need to talk about it with anyone asking when I’m due, how’s the baby doing, do we know the sex?” I was grinding in my point.
He looked so damn outraged. “Ilara, you can’t be fucking serious! You don’t want me there at all, or to know what our baby is going to be?” He sounded hurt and angry.
“Donovan, I want you there for every step, but if you can’t share at least something about a man who almost destroyed my life and who I want to see prevented from doing it ever again, then I will prove my point. Are we partners or are we going to be acquaintances who fuck whenever the mood strikes us?”
He stared at me in shock and then his mouth came crashing down on mine. He bit at my lips until I opened them then he shoved his tongue inside my mouth. His tongue aggressively dueled with mine. His hands were holding me tightly against him and he ground his hard cock into my stomach. I fought not to get lost in his attack that was turning me on, despite the seriousness of our talk. Finally, he lifted his head. His eyes were blazing.
“We’re not acquaintances who just fuck each other. You’re going to be my wife and I’ll be your husband. We’re partners. You’re not keeping me from knowing everything about our baby. I won’t let you,” he growled.
“And I won’t let you keep me in the dark about what’s going on with the hunt for Todd. If you do, then we might as well call this done right now, because we won’t last. I’m not asking what your plan is to deal with him. I’m not asking if you’re going to kill him or not. I’m not asking for anything, except to know if you’ve been doing something that might get him out of our lives. Besides, I’d never tell anyone, anything about what you and your brothers do. If you don’t believe that, then again, we won’t last,” I told him softly. I needed him to see that I wasn’t asking him to spill his club’s secrets, just to include me in what he could, when it affected me and my children.
He stared at me for a whole minute, saying nothing. My disappointment weighed heavily in my stomach. I pushed at his chest. “I need to go to the bathroom. Please move.” He eased back and I got up. I closed the door behind me and sat down to do my business. Tears ran down my face. This really wasn’t going to work. He couldn’t share all of him and if that was the case, I couldn’t share all of me. We’d have to figure out what to do about custody of the baby.
I’d stood up and was washing my hands when the door came swinging open and he stepped inside with a determined step. He closed it behind him. I held up my hand to stop him before he said anything. “I’m done and I won’t bring it up again. I just want to go lie down and get some sleep.” I avoided his eyes in the mirror.
He came up behind me and pressed into my back. I could still feel that he was hard. Was this all we had, sex? He wrapped those big strong arms around me and gently squeezed me. His mouth grazed my ear as he whispered, “We’re not done talking about it. I’m not going to lose you over this, Ilara. I saw your face when I came in. You’re going to leave me, aren’t you? All because I won’t tell you about Hamilton.”
He was missing the whole point. It wasn’t about Hamilton; it was what he could represent. I looked at him in the mirror this time. “No, I’m going to leave you because I’ll never truly be able to be myself one hundred percent with you. I won’t be able to share all of me, like you can’t or won’t share all of you. That will grow into resentment. I won’t live my life like that or have my children exposed to what that can do to a home. We’ll figure out your visitation or whatever for this baby. I would never cut you out of its life.” I let him see the pain and sadness.
He growled low in his throat and then whipped me around. His eyes were drilling into mine. “No, we won’t. My son or daughter will have their father every fucking day, just like Hope will. I get it, okay. I don’t see that by protecting you from what we were doing, it’s like me not sharing with you. We have to do things, Ilara, in this club that can affect a lot of people. Sometimes, it’s not always in a positive way. Our women and children are our top priority. We won’t do anything that will place them in a position to lie or be in jeopardy, especially with the law. We’re a legal club now, but sometimes, we have to get dirty to keep it and our community safe.” He paused to take a deep breath.
“Which I love about your club, but not when it closes us off from each other. That’s when it leads to doubt and questions. Like, are you hiding something that is putting me and my children in danger? Hell, from what you just said, if you wanted to cheat on me, your brothers would help hide it, because it would hurt me.”
“I would never fucking cheat on you! I told you that. My brothers wouldn’t help me hide it, they’d beat my ass.”
“How do I know that? See, we could go in circles about this for days and never stop. It’s what it represents, not Todd himself, Donovan,” I said softly as the tears flowed again. I hated to cry, damn pregnancy hormones. I tried to push him away, but he wouldn’t budge. “I can’t do this right now. I’m too emotional. We’ll talk about it later.”
He groaned and laid his forehead against mine. His eyes were looking into mine. I saw fear there. “Beloved, no, we can’t wait to finish this discussion. I won’t walk around not knowing if or when you’re going to leave me. If you do that, my reason for living is gone. I’m starting to see your point. I still don’t totally agree that the two things are the same, but I can see what it’s doing to you. The idea that you’d not tell me things like about the baby would hurt like hell and drive a wedge between us. I don’t want that. I’ll make you a promise, right now. I will work on talking to you about things that won’t put you in harm’s way, but I can’t tell you everything. I can’t. Can we at least agree on that?”
I took a minute to think. It was a compromise and a big one. Could I deal with that? My heart told me I had to or I’d be a shell for the rest of my life, if I left. I nodded. “Okay, we’ll do that, but you have to stick to it, Donovan. If you don’t, then we’ll be having this conversation again, only it’ll be while I’m walking out.”