Ilara: Chapter 19
Bear’s happiness over the baby was being dampened by the conflict with Tarin. A few nights ago when we announced I was pregnant and we were engaged, she’d left the clubhouse. A little later I sent Bear to talk to her, even though Outlaw had followed her outside. When Bear returned, he told me about his conversation with Outlaw after he overheard them arguing. I had to admit, I was a little surprised that Outlaw wanted to be with Tarin.
Bear had waited like he promised and let Outlaw go later to apologize to Tarin for what he said, only she refused to speak to him. She told him she didn’t want him to come around her and if he did, she’d call the cops. He’d come back pissed and had been walking around the compound like a thundercloud.
Bear was not quite as bad, but he was upset too. He’d gone to see her, and she had basically told him she wasn’t going to be asking for any kind of relationship with him. She’d gotten to meet him and tell him she existed, that was enough. He told me he knew it wasn’t. He could see the pain and rejection she was feeling in her eyes. He told her that he did want her to be in our lives. Even though he was going to adopt Hope and we were having another baby, she was still his daughter and he wanted to get to know her.
She’d told him she had to think about it and she’d let him know. That had been three days ago. There had been no contact between her and her dad, or her and Outlaw. I knew something had to give. I was considering going to see her myself. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was make Bear feel like he had to choose between her and us. I liked Tarin based on the little I knew about her, however, I did get the feeling that her childhood hadn’t been what everyone imagined.
Dr. Beatty came in earlier and said that Hope was responding well to this intense chemo round. He was feeling really good about her being able to go home before Christmas. I prayed every day for her to recover. I couldn’t think of her dying. Even as sick as she was, she always had a smile. She had the Warriors wrapped around her little finger, even the single ones. They all took turns coming to see her. Heck, she’d charmed Lash, Tinker, Thorn, and Tiger, so much they wanted to take her back to their clubs. Bear had threatened a few of them.
Bear was off working again today. He typically spent the last part of the day at the hospital with me and Hope. He worked prior to that. I was sitting with Hope and we were coloring in some new coloring books Joker had brought her. She wasn’t neat, but she enjoyed the hell out of them. There was a brief tap at the door and then it opened. I was shocked to see Tarin.
She gave me a tentative smile. I waved for her to come in. “Come on in. What a nice surprise. Look, Hope, it’s Tarin.” Hope smiled at her. I couldn’t see Tarin’s smile because of her mask, but I knew she was, because her eyes crinkled up at the corners. “Have a seat.”
She came over to the bedside and sat down. She looked around like she didn’t know what to say. I decided to get the ball rolling. She was fidgeting with a bag she was carrying. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”
“I know and I’m sorry, but I wanted to make sure Hope got these. I thought they would be cute for her to wear. I know she started to lose her hair. We girls are vain about our hair, even when we’re two years old.”
She handed me the bag. When I opened it, I was amazed. She’d found half a dozen hats for Hope, and they weren’t your typical baseball ones. They were feminine and bright with sparkles, lace, flowers, you name it. I took them out one by one and held them up.
“Look, Hope, at the pretty hats Tarin brought you. Which one do you want to wear?” Hope was clapping her hands excitedly when she saw them. She immediately homed in on one that was bright hot pink with sparkles on it. I helped her to get it on. She looked adorable.
“Tarin, thank you so much! These are beautiful. Where in the world did you find them? I need to check this site out.”
She looked uncomfortable for a minute then sighed. “There’s no website. If you find material you like, I can make them for her.”
“You made these. Do you sell them?
“No, I just do it for fun.”
“Tarin, you need to sell these. People would love them. There’s a need for them for a lot of reasons. Do you ever make them for men? Are there other things you can make?” I asked, excited at the idea she could do this as a business. She had worked at a salon before coming to Hunters Creek. She did facials and stuff. She told me she liked it well enough, but I could tell even then her heart wasn’t in it. The happiness she showed when Hope loved the hats told me this was what she loved to do.
She stood up. “Well, I need to go. I just wanted to stop and give her these and to see how she was doing. She seems less tired than the last time I saw her. Is she going to get to go home in time for Christmas?”
“Dr. Beatty was in before you came and said it looks good. Speaking of Christmas, the whole club does a big blowout for the holidays. Thanksgiving was a little more subdued they said this year, but Christmas won’t be. I wanted to make sure you knew that we’ll be having our family one at nine and then over to the clubhouse for the whole club one at noon.”
“Oh, that’ll be nice. I wasn’t planning to invade your and Bear’s celebration, so thank you for letting me know. I’m planning to head out the week before.”
“Honey, I wasn’t telling you our plans so you wouldn’t come to visit. I was telling you so you know what time to be there. Your dad is looking forward to having his whole family there. Why are you leaving town the week before?”
“Listen, Ilara, I appreciate that you’re trying to make me feel welcome, but it’s not necessary. I know me showing up messed up your whole life with Bear. I should have looked into him more and found out he had someone. I’m leaving town to go on an extended trip. When I get back, I’ll be headed out for good. Not sure yet where, but I’ll figure it out.” She shrugged and started for the door. I got there first.
“No, you can’t. It’ll devastate your dad if you do that. He wants you here, Tarin. He wants dad memories with you. Are you leaving because you think you’re not welcome or because you don’t like me and don’t want to have a relationship with him? I know you grew up with your stepdad all those years, thinking he was your real one. It must be hard to go from daddy’s little girl with him to a stranger with Bear, but he wants to make it like what you had before, without trying to take your stepdad’s place.”
She whipped around. There was fear, pain, and sadness in her eyes. “Bear is nothing like my stepdad. I wouldn’t ever want him to be like him. Bear has shown me more kindness in the short time I’ve been here than he ever did. He was a—” she stopped talking. I was about to ask her what she meant when she yanked the door open and almost ran out of there. I let her go. I had to talk to Bear. We needed to know what the story was with her mom and stepdad. Hope calling my name got me back to her.
?????
That night, when Bear and I were snuggled up in Hope’s room on the cots the staff provided to us, I told him about Tarin’s odd behavior and what she said about her stepdad. I also showed him the hats she’d made for Hope. “Honey, something isn’t right there. She felt so rejected, like she doesn’t deserve to have your love or our attention. Did Outlaw find anything out about her stepdad or her mom? She told me something else. She’s not going to be around for Christmas and she’s not going to stay here. Once she’s back, she’s planning to move. She said she didn’t know where yet. Why do I feel like she’s running?”
He’d gotten quiet and stiff when I told him she wasn’t coming for the holiday and that she was planning to move. He sat up and yanked out his phone. A few seconds later, he was talking and he had it on speaker phone. “Outlaw, I need you to find out everything you can on Tarin’s stepdad. Something is fishy. He died a couple of years ago according to her. Have you spoken to her since the day she threatened to call the cops on you?”
I heard Outlaw sigh then swear under his breath. “No, I haven’t talked to her since then. I go by her place every day, but she’s either not there or doesn’t come outside. I haven’t tried to talk to her. I honestly don’t know what to do. If she’s truly not interested in me, I’ll fucking go away. I just need to know for sure. Sometimes she acted like she was interested in me, or so I thought. As for the mom and stepdad, I haven’t dug deeper since I didn’t know it was needed.”
“It’s needed. She said some vague stuff to Ilara that made her think he was less than stellar. She’s leaving town before Christmas and not coming back until after. She’s planning to move away and won’t say where.”
“No fucking way is she doing that! I don’t care what she says, she wants to be in your life, Bear. I’m not going to let her throw that away for some foolish reason. I’m going to make her talk to me. I’ll go first thing in the morning, only because if I go now, she’ll probably have me arrested. It’s after one in the morning. Wish me luck. Have bail money ready, will ya?”