Jocelyn gasped.
“He fucking raped her, Bull. He raped her, and she’s been living with it ever since. It haunts her. She didn’t want to tell me because she said then she’d never get a day without thinking of him. God, did I fuck up? Should I have let it go? What if by me guessing, it makes it worse for her? All I wanted to do was have her let it out. It’s not good to let that shit fester. Jesus Christ, I don’t know what to do!” I told him in a panic. Had I just made it worse and destroyed any chance I might have had of making her see that not all men were like that bastard. My chance to have her see she could have a life with me?
“Fuck, I don’t know, Bear. I don’t know. Jesus Christ, where do we start? Do you know anything else about this man? His last name? Where does he live? When did this happen?” Bull rattled off.
“I don’t know. I didn’t get a chance to ask her. But I’m telling you this right now, even if she wants nothing to do with me, I will find him. And when I do, I’m killing that motherfucker,” I growled.
“D-Do you think it’s possible he’s Hope’s father?” Jocelyn asked softly. She had tears in her eyes as she gazed down at Ilara. Her question hit me hard again. I’d asked Ilara that and she hadn’t answered me. I was praying he wasn’t but I was afraid he was.
“I don’t know. Jocelyn. Will you go get Zara? I need her to check Ilara again. I know she said she’d wake up when she was ready, but that was before she passed out again.” She nodded and hurried out of the room. As soon as she was gone, I looked at Bull.
“She’s not leaving here. No way she’s going out into the world alone, sleeping in her car, barely scraping by. If she doesn’t want to be with me, that’s fine.”
“Bear, it’s her choice, you know that. We do have our new complex for abused women. She could move there and she’d be safe and looked after.”
I knew he was right. We had just built it to help women and kids who were abused and needed a safe place to live and get back on their feet. I shook my head. “I don’t think I could stand to have her there. Not because it’s not safe, but I need to make sure she’s alright. I’d be sitting outside her damn place every night. I can’t explain it, but if she leaves, I’m fucking done.”
“Listen, I understand. I felt the same damn way when I thought I might lose Jocelyn. You don’t know how the hell you can survive without them. Just take it one day at a time. Let her get to know you if we can convince her to stay.”
“Convince her? I want to lock her up until she says she’ll stay and never leave. That’s fucked up, Bull. I’m no better than some of the men these women escape from.”
“Bullshit. You might think about doing it. Hell, I have too, but we’d never do it or threaten a woman if she leaves us. We’d go through the rest of our lives a miserable fucking mess, but we’d never go that far.”
“Are you sure? I’m not. I’ve known her for two days and I’m possessive. I want her where I can make sure she’s safe and happy. I want to make sure her little girl is the same. Who the hell falls like that?”
“Warriors fall like that,” he said calmly right before Zara and Jocelyn came into the room. I stood back and let Zara do her thing while I thought about what Bull said. He was right. Warriors did fall for their women like that. People claimed there was no such thing as love at first sight. Well, I was here to tell them they were full of shit. I was in love and it was way more intense than what I thought was love all those years ago with Carol. That had been an infatuation compared to this.
“Bear.” Zara’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “She appears to be fine. Jocelyn told me on the way up what caused this. She’s suffering from too many traumatic things hitting her at once. Her mind has shut down to protect her. What she needs to do is rest. She’ll wake up when she’s ready. There’s nothing I see to indicate she’s ill. I’d just make sure she’s comfortable and safe.”
“Thanks, Zara. Would you do me one more favor, before you go? Actually, both of you,” I asked her and Jocelyn. They both nodded. “Would you help her into more comfortable clothes? I don’t think she’ll be able to rest in her clothes. I’d do it, but under the circumstances, I don’t think that would be right.”
“Of course. Why don’t you go downstairs and we’ll come get you when we’re done? She’d probably feel better after a bath too. We’ll give her a sponge one. There’s a little girl downstairs who misses her mommy,” Zara told me with a smile.
I leaned down and kissed Ilara on the cheek and whispered, “I’ll be back, beautiful.” Bull and I left the room. Downstairs, I found most of the club assembled in my kitchen and living room. They all looked up in concern when they saw us. Jessica came rushing over to us with Madisen on her heels.
“Is she alright? Jocelyn came to get Zara. We heard screaming,” she said in a rush.
“She’s fine. She just passed out again. They’re getting her changed and comfortable for the night. I came to check on a little girl who misses her momma,” I said as I tried to smile. I wasn’t about to announce to all of them that she’d passed out because I’d triggered her to recall the man who raped her. The man who might be Hope’s father.
Madisen gestured to the couch. Hope was curled up on one end. She looked miserable. Her little face was tear stained. She was holding onto a little pink bunny. I went over to her and sat down. As soon as I did, she crawled onto my lap and laid her face between my shoulder and my neck. I melted. I wrapped my arms up around her back. She felt so light and fragile. I felt tears on my neck. “Momma,” she sobbed.
I began to rock her. “Shh, Momma’s okay. She’s sleeping. I’ll take you to see her soon. First, we need to help you.” I looked at the women in the room. Everyone was watching us with smiles on their faces.
“What does she need? Has she eaten? What about her diapers? Do we have those?” I was trying to think what else a toddler needed.
“We have her diaper bag. It had some diapers in it. We sent one of the prospects to get more. She also has a few clean clothes in it. She’s not on formula it looks like, but we couldn’t get her to eat anything. She’s been miserable,” Devyn whispered, holding Hayden. Bull and Jocelyn’s twins were in the arms of Ace and Rebel. Madisen had Moira and Ajax was holding Kiara.
“Where is it? Let me see if I can get her to eat something. Then maybe she’ll take a bath.”
Devyn went into the kitchen and got a bowl from my fridge. She popped it in the microwave. When she was done and had tested it, she brought it to me. I sat Hope in the corner of the couch and held up the spoon. At first, she shook her head no, but I kept trying. After about five minutes, she took a bite, then it was like a starving tiger had been let loose. She inhaled the food. Devyn had a banana ready when she got done and milk in a sippy cup. She ate it and drank all her milk. God, how long since she had eaten? I didn’t see Ilara letting her go hungry, which I knew probably meant she went hungry, so Hope could eat.
When I was done feeding her, Zara and Jocelyn were back downstairs. They reassured me Ilara was still asleep. I didn’t want to leave her alone up there, but Hope needed a bath.
“Bear, why don’t you take Hope to your room? That way you can give her a bath and still hear if Ilara wakes up. Or we can give her a bath and bring her to you when she’s done,” Jocelyn offered.
“Thanks, but I’ll do it. All I need is her diaper bag. Thank you for taking care of her and for staying. I appreciate it.”
“Of course, we were happy to do it. If you need anything tonight or in the morning, just call. I’ll be over in the morning to check on Ilara again. She might sleep all night, so don’t get alarmed if she does,” Zara warned me.
I nodded. “I won’t. Thank you.” Everyone made their way to the door. All of them gave me hugs, or a hand on the shoulder and told me to call if we needed anything. As soon as the last person left, I closed and locked the door. I loved my club family, but I wanted to be alone with my girls. I had to smile at that thought—my girls.
Upstairs, Hope saw her momma and started to fuss. “Shh, Momma is asleep, Sugarplum. Let’s go play in the water.” Her eyes got big. As I ran water in the tub and tried to make sure it wasn’t too hot or too deep, she bounced on her toes excitedly. She was trying to take off her clothes. When I got her stripped and in the water, she went crazy. She was splashing and giggling as she threw water everywhere. I was soaked within five seconds and I didn’t care. She had me laughing at her antics. After she played for a while, we got busy with washing. I was careful to keep the suds out of her eyes when I washed her baby fine hair. For such a tiny thing, she had a lot of hair.
We were just blowing bubbles off her hands and laughing when a sound caught my attention, I turned toward the door and there stood Ilara. She was watching us with a look of shock and awe on her face. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t know what to say or how to start. Was she mad at me about earlier? Did she hate me?