“I’m pissed.”
“Why?”
“Because he gave me no choice. Because instead of asking for help, he took a bunch of people hostage. He shot someone dead and injured two others. He left me no choice.”
“All right. Let’s try a little exercise. Pretend I’m Fernando Ruiz. What would you like to say to me?”
Calvin shook his head. He hated this type of role-playing strategy. It never worked, and he always felt stupid doing them. “Doc, come on.”
“Take your time. I’ll wait.”
Fuck. All right, fine. Calvin got to his feet. He looked at Dr. Winters and shook his head. This wasn’t going to work.
“Why did you kill me?”
Calvin swallowed hard. He started to pace in front of the couch. “Because it was my job. He—you left me no choice. You were going to shoot that man.” He felt like such an idiot doing this. What difference would it make? He didn’t feel anything. That was the whole point. He wasn’t going to go into his moral beliefs, what it meant that he was capable of killing someone, that he could detach. It would lead him to places he didn’t want to end up in. “I did what had to be done. Someone was dead, and someone else’s life was already in danger. If I’d gotten there sooner, there might have been injuries but no dead bodies.”
“Do you care?” Winters asked as Ruiz.
“Do I care? That he’s—you’re dead? Of course I fucking care.” Calvin continued to pace. He wasn’t a heartless monster. Just because he could detach didn’t mean he didn’t care. Maybe they were targets to him at first while he had them in his crosshairs, but in the back of his mind, it was always someone’s life. There had been plenty of times when he’d had nightmares about a shooting. Reliving the moment. Sometimes it went exactly as it had during the incident; sometimes the details changed. The worse ones were when the target changed to someone he cared about, like his mom or Ethan, someone on his team. Those nights he’d wake up in a cold sweat, his face wet from the tears he’d cried unknowingly.
The more he thought about Ruiz, the more pissed off he got. Ruiz had no idea Calvin had been there. He was completely unaware of the sniper aiming at his head. Yet what did he think would happen if he killed that second hostage? That they’d let him keep killing people? What did he hope to accomplish? He wasn’t the only one in the city in pain. The only one suffering. Calvin’s mom had been through hell. They’d lost everything. He’d practically grown up in a goddamn car. His mom had gotten fired plenty of times for choosing to be with him when he was sick rather than serving at a roach-infested shithole for fifty-cent tips, if that. She spent more time fighting off the advances of lowlife scumbags than she did waiting tables in those hellholes.
“You think I don’t know fucking hardship? You think my mom didn’t know it? Fucked-up shit happens. We didn’t go out and kill people. We didn’t take it out on the fuckers determined to crush us under their Italian loafers. So you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you for making me pull the trigger. We’re the ones left to pick up the pieces because you couldn’t ask for help. How could you do that to your family? To your wife, your kid! Do you think they won’t find out about this when they’re old enough? Do you think your wife will be able to hide this from them? You chose to walk in there, yet I’m the asshole in this for doing my fucking job, for stopping you from hurting anyone else. I’m the one who has to tell your wife why you’re dead. Do you know what that’s like? Do you know what it feels like to watch someone’s world come undone? No, because you fucking bailed! You bailed on your kid, you son of a bitch!” Calvin wiped the tears from his cheeks. He dropped down on the couch, his throat too choked up to go on. It was hard to breathe, and his eyes hurt.
“You’re angry.”
“Angry?” Calvin let out a harsh laugh. “I’m not angry. I’m fucking furious. Did you even think about what you were doing? When you picked up that gun and got in your car? When you stopped at a traffic light on the way there, did you stop to think about your kid? About what you were about to do to your family? Did you not give a shit? Did you give up? Everything is shit, so fuck the world. I’m going down in a blaze of fucking glory. Well it wasn’t glory, was it? It was one fucking bullet. Mine.”
“Kids.”
Calvin blinked. “Excuse me?”
“You keep saying kid. Mr. Ruiz had two children.”
The sudden change had Calvin confused. “Oh.”
“Calvin, I believe this particular case is different. It’s far more personal. You feel Mr. Ruiz abandoned his children because of the bad choices he made, like your father abandoned you.”
“My dad has nothing to do with this.” Where the hell had that come from?
“He was killed, wasn’t he? By the police. He robbed a gas station and took the clerk hostage.”
Calvin swallowed hard. It took him a moment to digest and believe what Dr. Winters said. He’d spent so long telling everyone, including himself, how his father abandoned him, how his mom chased him off after he tried to take her car, that he’d fallen for his own lies. Ethan was the only one who knew, and he’d promised Calvin a long time ago to keep his secret.
Shame and anger clogged his throat like thick smoke polluting his lungs. The THIRDS had overlooked his father’s criminal record and given him a chance because of Seb and Rafe. His father had been a piece of shit who’d been so disgusted with himself and his life that he took his anger out on his wife and kid whenever he got a chance. Calvin flinched at the memory of a belt hitting him across the face, splitting his lip. He’d been four years old and accidently knocked over his dad’s beer can.
“My mom cried the night he was killed.” He wiped at his cheeks before meeting the doctor’s gaze. “She was happy. No more lying about how she’d broken her arm or where her black eye had come from. No more locking me in the bathroom to keep my father from making me bleed. Life wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows for me and my mom, but we had each other. We loved each other and looked out for each other. We were happy. I’m not angry because my father abandoned me, doctor. I’m angry because he had a choice. He had a choice not to be a piece-of-shit husband and sorry excuse for a Human. He had a choice not to beat his wife and kid. He had a choice not to put someone else’s life at risk, same as Fernando Ruiz. They chose wrong and were forced to face the consequences of their actions.” Calvin sat back, exhausted. At least he’d calmed down. “They both made their choice and left their families to pick up the pieces, so yeah, I guess you’re right. There’s always a choice. It’s up to us which one we make.”
ETHAN CLEANED up his and Calvin’s desks, getting rid of the empty plates and food containers. When they’d been filled, the office had looked like some kind of lunch buffet. He’d called Dex and asked if he could bring him a burger and fries from the canteen since he’d be staying in his office. He couldn’t handle going into the canteen without C
alvin. At that time of day, the place would have been packed, and the thought of all those people made him feel queasy. Dex said he’d take care of it, and next thing Ethan knew, the whole team was in his office with enough food to open a burger business. How Dex knew he needed the distraction was beyond him, but it had been fun. Now it was time to go home. He’d finished his top-priority reports and checked up on his order for the new Packbot and X-Ray kits.
Once the office was clean, he’d showered and changed in the locker room before heading down to the employee garage. Calvin would take a taxi home sometime in the middle of the night. Ethan had no idea where Calvin went on nights like this. Tonight Ethan would be up listening for the sounds of Calvin’s arrival. His evenings would be rather lonely for the next few days, but whatever Calvin needed Ethan would provide. Things would be a little quiet on the team, but Dex would keep everyone’s spirits up. Calvin didn’t want anyone acting any different around him, and the rest of them needed to be distracted.
Once he got home, Ethan made himself a sandwich. He made another for Calvin and left it in the fridge like he always did. Calvin never ate it, but if his partner did wander out, Ethan wanted to make sure there was something already prepared for him to eat. After eating and washing up, Ethan watched a little TV, though his mind kept wandering off. It was far earlier than usual, but he decided to get into bed. He brushed his teeth and changed into his loose pajama bottoms and T-shirt before turning off the lights and climbing into bed. He faced the wall. Calvin’s bedroom was on the other side. Today must have been rougher on him than he thought, because he’d about fallen asleep, when he heard his bedroom door creak open, then close. He didn’t get up or move, afraid of spooking Calvin. His partner had never come to him before. He had a bad habit of suffering in silence, holing himself up in the darkness to lick his wounds, hissing and lashing out like a feral Therian. His little wildcat, untamable yet sweet and unpredictable.
Calvin climbed into bed beside Ethan and rolled him over onto his back. His eyes were red, and filled with need, a need only Ethan could fill. Ethan sat up, and Calvin brought their lips together in an ardent kiss, his hands going to Ethan’s T-shirt. He scrambled to get Ethan undressed without having to pull back, and Ethan helped him, their lips parting only long enough for them to get undressed. Calvin straddled Ethan’s lap, his fingernails scraping down Ethan’s biceps as he sucked Ethan’s bottom lip before giving it a nip.