“Sometimes you find that one person, and you just know. And even if you don’t love them right away, you know you will. It’s just a matter of time. Because no one you’ve ever known has come close to making you feel the way they do. It keeps you up at night and drives you fucking crazy, but you pray to God the feeling never goes away no matter how much it’s killing you.”
Sloane stared at him. “Wow.”
“Shut up,” Ash mumbled, looking embarrassed. Like he hadn’t realized what he’d said until then.
“I’ve never heard you talk like this.” He thought he knew everything there was to know about his best friend. Apparently he was wrong.
Ash shrugged. “Yeah, well, almost dying makes you think.”
“About Cael?” Sloane asked quietly.
Ash let out a weary sigh, his gaze falling to his hands. “Like I don’t think about him every other day.”
“What are you going to do about him?”
“I don’t know. I really thought he’d give me some time, but he’s going out for drinks with Seb this Friday.”
“And?”
“Seb’s a good guy. He’s got his own shit to deal with, but at least he’s not one of the fucked-up Pre-First Gens. No psych evals. Never saw the inside of the research facility. The Hobbs brothers never had to worry about that kind of shit, what with Daddy Hobbs being a tiger Therian himself. He did what a father’s supposed to do. He kept his boys safe. Cael would be a lot happier with Seb. Less baggage. Not to mention Seb’s out and proud. I’m not exactly skipping down the yellow brick road.”
Sloane arched an eyebrow at him. “Okay, now that you’ve gotten that bullshit out of your system, how about the truth?”
“Sloane….”
“Nope. Look me in the eye and tell me you really think Cael would be better off with someone else.”
Ash opened his mouth but Sloane’s scowl seemed to make him think better of it. He scratched the stubble on his jaw. “Truth?”
“Yes.” He might be discovering new sides to his friend, but he was all too familiar with the old parts, and he knew when Ash was bullshitting him.
“No. I don’t think Cael would be better off with someone else, because no one could possibly love him as much as I do. I’ve never met anyone like him. When I see him, I don’t know what to do with myself.” Ash got to his feet and started to pace. Something else Sloane wasn’t accustomed to seeing his friend do.
“He’s fucking gorgeous. I can’t believe I’m saying that about another dude, but fuck me, he’s beautiful. His eyes are amazing. These really pale silvery pools—pools, Sloane! I’m calling his eyes fucking pools. Just seeing him makes me smile. He’s funny, sweet, damn sexy, and I don’t know why the hell he fell in love with me. No clue. I do know when I see him with Seb, I want to seriously punch Seb in the face, and if he wasn’t such a fucking nice guy and Hobbs’s brother, I would have already done it. God, I want to kick his ass! And I don’t give a fuck he’s a tiger Therian. I can totally take him down. It’s driving me fucking crazy.” Ash let out a frustrated growl. He turned to face Sloane. “I know I hurt Cael, but….” He returned to the chair and dropped down into it. “Fuck me sideways. I don’t know what to do with all this emotional shit. It’s fucking exhausting.” He let his head fall back. “Fuck this shit.”
“Jesus, Ash. Why don’t you talk to Cael?” Damn. Usually he could gauge how upset his friend was over something by the number of times he dropped the “F” bomb.
“And tell him what? I already told him I needed time, and he turns around and accepts an invitation from Seb?” Ash folded his arms over his chest. He looked miserable. Not that Ash ever looked happy, but he was even more miserable than usual.
“You told him you couldn’t be with him. What did you expect?”
“I expected him to… I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell I expected. He said he loved me. Why can’t he give me more time? I don’t want to mess things up with him. All I wanted was some time to figure out what to do about… you know, what happened.”
“You have to forgive yourself, Ash. What happened with Arlo was fucked up, but it wasn’t your fault.”
Ash’s jaw muscles clenched. “I could have protected him.”
“Or you could have been killed along with him. You were a kid, Ash. As tough as you were, you were just a kid.”
“Arlo had been just a kid. It didn’t stop those motherfuckers from bashing his skull in with a fucking crowbar.” Ash blinked away fresh tears and sat up. “Even if I’d ended up like Arlo, at least I would have gone down fighting. Instead—”
“Instead you lived to fight another day. You changed my life and became one of the fiercest agents at the THIRDS.” Sloane felt his anger rise at Ash’s quick dismissal of himself. “I’m not saying forget Arlo. I’m saying figure out what you need to do to forgive yourself, accept there are those in your life now who need you and love you. Talk to Cael. Tell him why. Tell him about the nightmares. Tell him about your regrets, your anger, your heartache. If I had been upfront with Dex about the facility and my past, we could have been spared a lot of drama and heartache.”
Ash frowned and gave a noncommittal shrug. The conversation was over.
“Back to your nerd boyfriend. What do you need me to do?”
“If I know Dex, he’s not going to rest until he gets his hands on Hogan. I’m worried he’ll do something reckless.”