The top.
He steps around us and walks into the shower to turn the water on. It takes only a few seconds before steam curls in our direction. I turn away. I have to because watching Achilles shower is one of my favorite vices. If I don’t get control of myself right now, I’ll be naked and with him beneath the water. Now is not the time for that. I have to remember that. I have to…
Helen presses her hands carefully to my upper chest. She looks a little fragile around the eyes but otherwise unbothered by Achilles being…Achilles. “He’s always like this, isn’t he?”
“Yes.”
Her lips curve. “Your blood pressure must be through the roof. You’re so logical and he’s so…himself.”
“You don’t have to say yes,” I blurt out. “With any of it. He’s pushy, but he respects ‘no.’” It’s one of the many things I love about Achilles. In life, he might be willing to go through every obstacle in his path instead of finding a way around, but in the bedroom, he’s very intent on making sure everyone involved is having a good time. The second they aren’t, everything stops.
“I know.” She smiles sweetly and goes up onto her toes to press an equally sweet kiss to my lips. “Like you said, he’s taking care of both of us in his own way, though, isn’t he?”
Achilles and Helen are so different from me. I don’t see how fighting and fucking are more of a comfort than finding a solution. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy sparring with Achilles, especially when it gets him going and results in an especially rough fucking. And I can’t deny that sex will always stop my mental spiraling in its tracks. Sex won’t fix things or make them less complicated, though. It’s only a stopgap, a bandage, a temporary detour.
Coming up with a solution, though? That will bring long-term relief.
Maybe there’s room for both, for us each meeting a different need because of how different we are. Helen’s already looking steadier on her feet and more like herself. I nod slowly. “Yeah, he’s taking care of us in his own way.” He’s doing it right now.
Helen tugs on my shirt. “Come play with us, Patroclus. We’ll be gentle. After we tire ourselves out, you can talk us through what’s going on in your head.”
I’m so tempted, but no matter what they both say, sex changes things. Has already changed things. I want to believe that we’ll all land on our feet after this. I want to believe it so desperately, I’m tempted to ignore all the evidence pointing to the contrary. “This results in heartbreak. Either he ends up Ares, ruining your dreams, or you do, and it ruins his dreams. Or someone else entirely wins and that smashes both of you to bits.” Doubly so because at least with Achilles or Helen winning, there’s a small chance to fix things and reach the future I suddenly want more than anything. The three of us together.
That won’t happen if Helen is married to another.
“Patroclus…” She leans up and kisses me again, lingering this time. “We can go round and round and round worrying about the future until we’re ready to wring each other’s necks. It won’t change what happens in the next trial, and it won’t change what happens after. Or…we can follow Achilles’s lead and enjoy the time we have left together.”
“But—”
“We can argue more about it later if you want.” She speaks against my lips. “When life is just a series of bad scenarios, you learn to take your pleasure and joy where you can. I am tired and shaky and more than a little heartsore. I might be wrong, but I think you’re feeling a bit of the same, if for different reasons.”
I startle. “Why would you say that?”
“Call it an educated guess.” She leans back and looks up at me. “I don’t know what’s going on with you and him, though if it has to do with me, I’m sorry.” Helen worries her bottom lip. “Also, I realize that I’m being just as pushy as he is. So it’s okay if you don’t want to.”
If I don’t want to?
The thought almost makes me laugh. Of course I want to. It’s not as simple as seeing something I desire and reaching out to acquire it. Except… Maybe it is? Maybe this once, I can throw the consequences to the wind and ride it out for a little while?
If we’re all but destined to crash and burn, why not do as they suggest and take what little pleasure and joy I can where I can find it?
“Helen.”
“Yes?”
“After this…” Why is it so hard to get the words out? I clear my throat and try again. “After this, I’ll talk through what has me so tangled up, but only if you promise to do the same.”