There is no point getting into a discussion about it, since it will go downhill into a who, what, why and when, all centred around work and how the scales are balanced between us, and I really am too exhausted for that, so I curl up next to him on the sofa and sip at my champagne, enjoying his warmth against me.
It doesn’t stop my mind spinning though.
Do I quit Wedding Bliss? Do I take what I’ve done to Claire onboard, admit my mistake and walk out with my tail between my legs but my morality held high? Do I ask Janie to take a promotion and drop down to part-time hours? Would central office accept that? Would they allow Janie to take a promotion?
“Shh,” Ant says, and strokes my hair.
“I’m not saying anything,” I laugh, but he smiles.
“You don’t need to be talking out loud, Cass. I can hear your brain cogs whirring.”
Yet again, he’s reading me, but I don’t know what to say.
He tips my face to his.
“Baby, don’t beat yourself up like this. I don’t expect you to change who you are. My choices are my choices, and your choices are yours.”
Fuck, by now I need another glass of De Chante, so I’m glad when he pours me one. I’ve only just taken it from him when he gets up from the sofa with a yawn.
“I’ve got an early start, Cass, so I’ll go on up.”
“Wait, I’ll come with you,” I say, but he carries on walking.
I down my glass of champagne and ditch the glass on the kitchen counter, following him upstairs like a lovelorn puppy. He gives me a token smile as I dash on into the bedroom, but doesn’t reach out and grab me like usual. He doesn’t look at me with even a hint of lust as I strip off my dress and heels.
I carry on undressing until I’m naked, bar my jewellery, but again, he doesn’t react. Instead, he scrolls through his phone and disappears off to the bathroom as I follow him. He strips and gets in the shower on his own without another word, but there seems to be no malice in his actions.
A wash of panic hits me like a glacier shifting. At least if he was pissed off I’d have something to work with.
I feel sick as I retreat into the bedroom, my hands trembling, because what if I’ve blown it? What if I’ve been too ungrateful and selfish to keep the respect of the man I love?
My thoughts must be ridiculous, but they don’t feel it. They feel alive and real, and my breaths turn shallow enough that they set my heart pounding.
Ant is towelling himself dry when he comes back. He sees me sitting naked on the side of the bed, and I must look a wreck as I try to gather myself into some kind of rational order.
“Are you ok, sweetheart?” he asks, and I shake my head until he’s kneeling in front of me, his hands firm on my thighs. “What is it, Cass? What’s upsetting you?”
When the words come, they tumble.
“I’m just… I’m just sorry, Ant. I’m really sorry. I never wanted to be ungrateful.”
He gives me another shh as he pulls me to him, rocking me with strength in his arms.
“You aren’t ungrateful, baby. I never once said you were. Not in the slightest.”
I feel like a little kid who has been bad, just relieved that I’m not being banished to the naughty step for a time out.
Until I am.
“You go have your shower now,” he says, and kisses my forehead. “I’ll be ready in bed by the time you’re done.”
I’ve never known him want to take showers separately, and I’ve never known him to be so composed in bed as I towel myself off and blow dry my hair by the dresser. His attention is all on his phone and not on me.
I pick out some of my new lingerie from Mason’s, but he doesn’t so much as flash me a glance as I climb into bed. Sure, he holds out an arm so I can snuggle up to him, but he doesn’t respond to my wriggles, just yawns, gives me another kiss on the forehead and turns out the bedside light.
“I’ll do my best not to wake you when I leave in the morning,” he whispers. “Wouldn’t want you exhausted for your day at work.”
Fuck my day at work. That’s what I want to say. Wedding Bliss can go fuck itself. What I want is you.
But I don’t say it. I can’t.
Ant’s asleep way before I am. I lie at his side with my eyes fixed on the dark ceiling, thoughts running savage as I listen to him breathing.
Can I leave work? Can I?
Maybe it would be a good thing… maybe Janie could get a promotion to my position and it would be a great move all round… but no. NO. It’s not a decision I can make lightly. I need to give it some thought.