I’m still trying to keep up with his thoughts.
“It’s not uneven. I’m an obsessed lover right back, I promise you that.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Excellent. In that case you’ll at least consider it. Quitting work, I mean. After all, I’ve ditched a hell of a lot of my career milestones to move back to the UK to be with you. A job in a bridal planning agency isn’t quite on the same scale as that, but if it means that much to you, it means that much to you.” He pauses. “I just hope our wedding day and having our children mean more to you than your career when the time comes.”
“Of course they will.”
“Good.”
He’s got a look of adoration in his eyes across the table, but there is a prickle along with it, like I’m being caught in a net I can’t quite understand. The glow of being a goddess is still burning bright all the way through me, but I feel like an asshole now for letting him down.
I can’t do it, though. Not yet. I can’t stand the thought of walking away from my career, and Janie and Wedding Bliss – even though I have made a massive fuck up with Claire and Lee.
“I’ll think about it,” I say to Ant with another smile. “It’s only a matter of time, after all. If it’s not right now, it won’t be all that long away.”
He doesn’t push it, just smiles back across the table, then raises his hand and summons the waiter for the bill.
I’m so relieved when he doesn’t seem pissed off with me on the drive back to Malvern. He’s fine again, shooting me glances all the way as the light dims outside.
“I love you, Cass,” he tells me when the Malvern Hills appear in the distance. “My life is with you, for ever. Berlin means nothing to me anymore, since you’re my priority now.”
I should answer him with the same sentiment, but I can’t.
“Believe me, I love you too, Ant,” I tell him, and leave the rest unsaid.
Cass
“I can’t wear it,” I tell Ant as he holds up the burgundy dress. “I’m sorry, but I can’t go to Emma’s wedding in that. I’m just the wedding planner. I can’t come anywhere even vaguely close to outshining the bride. I need to be on the sidelines, not centre stage.”
He sighs, still holding it up. “Baby, you’ll be centre stage no matter what. You were centre stage all day for me at Hanley Hall. Make the most of it and display yourself proudly.”
“I can’t,” I insist. “Honestly, Ant. I’m sorry, but it wouldn’t be fair. I’ll look like I’m at a celebrity award event, not a member of staff at someone else’s wedding.”
“Fine,” he says, avoiding my eyes as he hangs it back up in the wardrobe. “I was excited to see you sharing it with the world, but it’s your choice.”
I feel ungrateful, but I’m not changing my mind. I can’t.
I try to make light of it.
“Maybe I’ll put it on later when I get back, hey?” I give him a coy smile. “I’ll share it with you when I get back home.”
“At gone midnight?”
“Maybe I can leave a bit earlier if it’s going well?”
“Don’t worry about it, Cass,” he says. “Your priorities are your priorities. Don’t let your client down on my behalf.”
I get a jab of resentment at his words, since it’s a bit late for that given that I fucked one of my client’s fiancés on his behalf a few weeks ago, but I push that resentment aside.
I’m already running late, so I’m in a fluster as I pick out one of my usual outfits. A nice but tame black dress.
“I’ll see you later, Mr Perfect,” I say, and give him a kiss before I walk away.
I’m almost out to the hallway when he calls my name.
“Cass, stay over at the hotel if you want to. I’m not pushing my will onto you. Your choice is always your choice.”
His smile is beautiful but his words give me another nasty stab of guilt.
“I’m not staying at the hotel, Ant. I’ll be back before midnight, just as soon as I can leave.”
“Ok, baby. Enjoy your day.”
I feel like a piece of shit as I get in the car and drive away.
Maybe I am a piece of shit, though.
He’s the one who’s ditched a big chunk of his career to move back to the UK to be with me. He’s the one who’s been flying back and forth for every second he can spend with me, even though he despises flying. He’s the one who took me away for the day yesterday like a fairy-tale princess, showering me with gifts worthy of celebrity status, and I’m not even willing to wear one of them today in return.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe our dynamic is lopsided. Maybe I do need to value fate’s kindness and ditch my job like he wants me to.