“I know,” O’jek tells me, rubbing my back. “I know it makes you sad. I wish I could take the pain away for you.”
I’m absurdly grateful for O’jek. That he lets me cry on his shoulder without making me feel guilty about my feelings. I can be happy for Penny and S’bren and sad for me at the same time. Others don’t seem to get that, but O’jek always understands me. I cling to him, weeping. “It’s just not fair.”
“Life is not about fair,” he agrees. “Life is just life.”
“Doesn’t it make you upset?” I ask him, sniffling. “You haven’t resonated either.”
O’jek hesitates for the briefest of moments. “I am content to wait—”
“Oh gods, why does everyone keep saying that?” I push away from him, frustrated. “I’m not some kind of monster because I’m tired of waiting for my khui to wake up. Why is it so wrong to want a mate that will love me and babies? Why is that such a bad thing?” Fresh tears pour down my cheeks and I stumble to my feet.
He grabs my waist, supporting me so I don’t fall. With effortless grace, O’jek gets to his feet and scoops up the bowl of half-eaten stew, tossing the contents into the raging ocean. “You misunderstand me, D’see. I do not see it as a bad thing. You put words in my mouth because you are upset.”
“For ten years, I watched my ‘husband’ make love to another man. For ten years, I watched them touch each other, and comfort each other, and pleasure each other. Every single night.” I shake my head, fighting back more tears. “And I dreamed what it would be like to have that for myself. That instead of sitting nearby, untouched and neglected, that someone would want me. Someone would love me. I left that world for a family, and for the chance of love, and yet here I am.” I spread my arms wide, choking on my bitterness. “Just as ignored and unloved as before.”
O’jek gives me a look of quiet intensity. “You are not ignored.” He pauses and then adds in a low voice, “And you are not unloved.”
But his words don’t help right now. He cares for me. Anyone can see that he has a crush on me, and that the attention he gives me is more than just friendship. I might be an untouched virgin, but I’m not naive. O’jek is trying to help me, but all I can think is that if he resonated to Flor tomorrow, he’d drop me like a hot stone and then I’d be left without even his companionship.
So I just shake my head, climb down the rock, and head back to my sad little lonely hut. I crawl under the blankets, inconsolable. I know I’m moping. I know I need to get over this. But it’s like the universe is sending me sign after sign.
It’s telling me I’ve made a mistake coming to this world.
My tears are dry when a gentle scratching comes to my hut’s door. I sit up, my throat and eyes aching. “Come in.”
I’m not surprised to see O’jek. He knows me as well as I know him, and he knows I can’t stay mad at him. He squats near the entrance of the hut, his long braid falling next to his tail, and regards me. “Are you well, D’see?”
His voice is gentle, apologetic. He’s checking in on me.
I scrub a hand over my face. “I’m pouting,” I admit. “I’m pouting and I’m sad for me, so I’m going to cry about it tonight, and then I’m going to put on a smile and hug Penny and S’bren in the morning and be thrilled for them.” They don’t deserve to have their moment tarnished by my jealous misery, after all. They’re good friends and I really do care for them. They’re going to make another beautiful baby, and I’m excited for their love to keep growing.
O’jek nods thoughtfully. His eyes glow in the shadows, and I can see his gaze flick at the dead fire pit, then toward where I sit in the dark, bundled in furs. He can see better in the darkness than I can, and he can probably tell that I’m cold. “I know you do not like to be alone when you are sad. Do you want company?”
My mouth pulls up in a reluctant smile, and tears threaten again. “I’d like that very much.”
He’s never one for many words, sweet, thoughtful O’jek. He just takes his boots off by the door and then prowls over to my side and slips under the furs. He wraps an arm around me like he always does, and we snuggle in the furs together. Like friends. There’s nothing romantic about it, for all that I know O’jek is in love with me. Part of me wants him to grab me and pull me to him. Part of me wants him to say, “Forget resonance, this female is mine,” and claim me.