CHAPTER 21
DAISY
I think about Flor and I’rec’s words all day. I’m not brave enough to leave my hut just yet, but I tidy things up and mend an old tunic that someone gave me that has a hole under the arm. I don’t know how to mend, but it looks like just stabbing the needle through the leather, and I give it a try. My thread keeps falling out the other side, though, and it takes me hours to figure out that I need a knot at the end so it will stay in place.
In short, I’m terrible at it.
But I’m trying. And this small step makes me realize maybe I can do this. One small step at a time, I tell myself. I learned how to survive on Praxii, after all. I learned what was expected of me as a consort. I learned how to hold myself and to operate the electronics in Johani’s household. I learned languages and reading and how to play a synth-harp. I learned how to use their cosmetics and how to keep a household of his size running smoothly. I learned how to welcome diplomats and what would be expected of me at Johani’s side. I learned what foods were unpalatable for human tongues and which ones made my face bloat up with an allergic reaction.
This is just a slightly different type of survival.
I’m older now, too. Wiser. I’m not a wide-eyed, terrified sixteen-year-old just finding out everything she’s been told about the universe is a lie. I’m twenty-nine and I know my way around. I think of Bek’s gentle, shy mate Elly. I’ve been told that when they met, she was half feral and covered in filth, and was rescued from living in a cage for years. If she can thrive here, so can I. I just need to wrap my head around it.
And when O’jek doesn’t come to my hut that night, I’m decided.
I’m going to do this, no matter how terrible I am at it. Because if I just wanted a father for a baby, I could approach R’jaal. I know he would leap upon the suggestion of resonance. He’s so lonely it physically hurts me to look at him sometimes.
It’s not about just resonance. I’m starting to realize it never has been. It’s always been about O’jek. I hug my pillow and stare into the fire that Flor helped me build. I’ve been waiting for resonance to strike us for years now. It’s come down to just three males left in the tribe, and I’ve somehow always seen myself with O’jek, just like I’ve seen Flor with R’jaal and I’rec with Tia. It’s obvious to everyone that’s how the chips will fall, and it just needs to happen.
I will make O’jek realize he needs me. I will. I’m not giving up.
The next morning, I wake up early and bank my fire, or I try to. I’m not sure if I’ve done it right, but I suppose I’ll know if I come back and the fire is dead. I put on my boots and a few layers of fur and braid my hair back. I pinch my cheeks to give them a bit of high color and gloss my lips with a bit of berry dye and grease to make them full and vibrant, since I look best with a stained lip. I also feel my best when I know I look good, and though I inwardly flinch at the thought of facing everyone with my scarred face and the knowledge that O’jek has abandoned me, I can’t give up.
It’s actually a situation I’m familiar with—pretending everything is fine. Didn’t I do that all the time when I was with Johani? Acting as if nothing was wrong even as I felt more alone by the day? This is nothing.
So like a queen, I emerge from my hut and beam smiles at everyone that I pass. I head for the group near the fire, and when Devi offers me a cup of shrimp tea, I thank her graciously and sip it to be part of the group. I eat a few nibbles of the breakfast fish jerky that’s out and listen to some of the hunters complain about the weather.
Bridget comes and stands next to me, leaning in by the fire and warming herself. She has A’bri on her hip, her son chewing on his fist. “Brr. It’s gonna be a shitty day today.”
“No shittier than usual,” Sam replies, stirring the tea over the fire. She scoops herself another cup, inhales it deeply, and then moves to go sit with Sessah, choosing to sit on his leg instead of next to him. He wraps a big arm around her waist and rests his chin on her shoulder, and my heart melts at how sweet they look. I never pictured Sam with him, mostly because of the age gap between them, but he’s so devoted to her that it makes my heart warm. I always thought Sam was perfectly happy to be alone, but it seems I have been proven wrong.