“Lonan.” I grasped his shoulders, drawing him back enough so I could look at him. “Are you… Do you want me to…punishyou?”
“I want you to use me,” he repeated, black eyes gleaming in the dying light. “Use my body to slake it all, Ash.”
“That sounds like you want me to punish you,” I said, my voice hardening.
I saw his hands curl into fists at his sides, and it took him a few moments to answer. “Does it matter?”
I sucked in a breath so fast I nearly choked, anger rising in me like a hot rush of blood. “Yes, it fucking matters.”
Lonan stayed silent for a minute, but I could hear his breaths quickening with some emotion. Finally, words burst from him.
“A part of you, at least, must hate me still.” His voice was rough and trembling. “A part of you will never forgive me for what I’ve done or what I am. And I don’t deserve it, anyway. Any of it. Your forgiveness. You. But at least this way I can still…”
He swallowed, voice softening to a pleading tone as he took a step closer. “If this is how I can stay with you, I will do it.”
“Do what?” I was trembling with fury, but my voice managed to come out somewhat calm.
“I will be the vessel for your lust. Your anger.” Lonan took another step closer and splayed long fingers over my chest and pounding heart. His voice lowered. “Use my body, Ash.”
“What iswrongwith you?” I jerked away from him fast, my chest heaving with angry, panting breaths.
The movement made Lonan stumble back, and my heart stabbed with guilt as his branch leg buckled under him briefly. But he was fae; he quickly and nimbly righted his footing as his black eyes flashed at me, a hint of anger peeking out.
“I deserve it,” he snarled. “I deserve less, but I am weak, Ash.”
An angry tear escaped from the corner of his eye and rolled down his flushed cheek.
“How can you stand to even look at me? I feel like a…” He shuddered, arms twitching as if fighting the urge to wrap around himself protectively. “A monster. But I’m still a selfish one. And I still want you. I will take you however you will let me. And if that means just being the body you use, I will be it.Gladly.”
“Why thefuckwould I want that?” I shouted. “I wouldn’t want that withanyone,Lonan, but especially not withyou.”
I exhaled, forcing myself to calm down. I tried to keep my voice steady and failed. “I love you. I don’t want to punish you. I don’t want to use you. I don’t hate you.”
I shook my head, pursing my trembling lips for a brief moment. “Withholding affection as punishment isn’t normal, Lonan. Being made to feel like you’re not deserving of love isn’t fucking normal. Can’t you see that now?”
I took a step closer and grasped his hands in mine. His were ice cold, whereas mine felt clammy with sweat.
“Please don’t pull away from me now.” His head was bowed, but I heard him take a shaky breath at my words. “I need you. I can’t do any of this without you.”
“You’ve done fine without me, Ash.” Lonan’s voice was quiet and matter of fact, not self-pitying. He squeezed my hands once.
I shook my head, even though he wasn’t looking at me. “No. Even when I couldn’t remember you, it all felt… wrong. Off. And the moment I could remember you, I was losing my mind. I couldn’t focus on anything except getting you back.”
Lonan shook his head. “After everything—”
“Exactly,” I interrupted. “After everything, we’re still here. Together. We fought for each other, Lonan.” I raised his hands to my mouth and kissed his knuckles. “And wewon.”
Lonan finally raised his head and looked at me, black eyes glistening.
“You’re all I want,” he whispered. “Nothing else matters.”
“Then you have to believe that I feel the same.” I made my voice firm, holding his gaze. “You have to trust that I’m not hiding anything from you. That I’m not secretly resenting you. And you have to stop thinking that you don’t deserve me.”
Lonan watched me silently for long moments. I could see the reflection of a thick pillar candle’s flame dancing in his beetle-black eyes, its movements hypnotic.
“I believe you,” he finally whispered. “And I trust you with my life, Ash.”
He pulled our intertwined hands towards him and dropped a reverent kiss on my knuckles.