The kind of sobs that you feel down to your soul. The sobs that leave you breathless, without care, because part of you is broken and jagged, and you feel helpless.
I pull the door open and quietly step inside. He’s sitting on a bale of hay, his shoulders hunched and shaking with each cry, and it breaks me.
I love him so much, and I can’t stand to see him in pain this way. I feel so helpless.
“Graham,” I say softly as I approach him. I stand in front of the hay bale, reaching out to run my fingers through his hair. He never looks up, simply scoots forward, wrapping his arms around my waist and pressing his head against my stomach as he sobs into my shirt.
Minutes go by, maybe even hours, before he speaks, “I’m going to lose her.”
I want to tell him no, that’s not true, and it wouldn't ever happen, butI can’t.
I can’t lie to him. I won’t lie to him.
The truth is none of us know what’s going to happen, and we’re all doing the very best we can to hang on. All I can do is hold him, be his strength when he has none.
“You’ve got to be strong for her, baby,” I whisper against his hair.
“She’s my ma, Em. I don’t know how to be strong anymore.”
His words gut me because I understand, and I feel so helpless. So damn helpless.
“We hang on, Graham. We hang on until the very end, no matter what. Lean on me, and I’ll lean on you. I love you so much. Tonight, she’s here and wants nothing more than to spend the night looking over those old photos with you. It brings her more joy than you can imagine.”
Only then does he pull back to look at me, his honey-colored eyes red-rimmed and puffy. He’s quiet for a moment before he unwraps himself from my waist.
“I love you, Em, so fucking much.”
“And I love you. More than you know. Baby, look at me,” I say, palming the stubble along his cheek, bringing his gaze to mine. I kiss his lips lightly, tasting the salt tears. “It’s okay to not be strong all of the time. It’s okay to break down, and to feel this pain. It’s hard, and you are the strongest man I’ve ever known. I’m in awe of you. But I want you to know that it’s okay to cry, to let out all of the pain and hurt. You have to let it out, Graham, you can’t let it consume you. I will be here.”
When I first met Graham, I did everything I could to push him away. To keep him away from my heart. To protect myself from being hurt, from a life that I thought I never wanted.
And he scaled that wall, like the bravest knight in any kingdom, and captured my heart. Through every trial, he’s proven his love for me; he’s never given up.
It’s my turn to show him that, just like he hasn’t, I’ll never give up.
I’ll be his light in the dark, the anchor in the tumultuous sea, the calm of any storm.