I smile and shake his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“I’m Dr. Crosby. I’m Mrs. Adams’ oncologist. Is it okay if we speak for a moment?”
Immediately, my stomach plummets. With her condition worsening this week, I’m terrified of what he will say.
“Of course,” Allie says.
Dr. Crosby leads us into a small room off the side of the family waiting room and shuts the door behind us.
“I wanted to speak privately with you about your mother. I want to be up front and not sugarcoat anything with you, Ms. Adams. I’m very worried about your mother. When we discovered the breast cancer, and decided on her treatment plan, we wanted to try and shrink the tumor with what’s called neoadjuvant chemotherapy. Essentially, it’s chemotherapy that is designed to shrink the size of a tumor that is too large to operate, or to lessen an extensive operation. Due to the size of the tumors that is the route that we decided to take, but after reviewing her scans today, I’m not seeing any shrinkage. I’m concerned that the cancer will metastasize.”
Allie’s face crumples, and she nods. “She’s seemed to be in much worse shape this week than I’ve ever seen her… She’s not really eating, or sleeping much.”
Dr. Crosby nods solemnly. “That’s another factor. She needs to eat to keep her body fueled, but the chemo makes it hard for her to have an appetite. Protein bags like Purition may help with this, and help her get the nutrition she’s not currently getting. I’m ordering another scan in the next few days, and I’ll be meeting with a team of other oncologists to see what they recommend and to revise the original treatment plan.”
“Is…” Allie’s voice breaks. Reaching out, I rub her back to comfort her, but even I’m barely hanging by a thread. This was not the news I expected, and it’s flayed me open and left a gaping wound. “Is-s she going to die?”
He pauses, shaking his head, a solemn expression on his face. “Ms. Adams, I won’t give up on your mother, and you all should be strong for her. I do think that you should have plans in place in the event that something should happen. Simply as precautionary. I think if we can get this tumor to shrink, and stop the spread of the cancer, she can beat this, and I’ll do everything in my power to make that happen. I’ll leave you two alone to process everything that I’ve said, but I’ll see you back here on Thursday?’
Together, we nod, and with a sad smile, he leaves us.
The moment the door closes, Allie and I cling to each other. As our sobs echo off the walls of the hospital, I pray to God to save Graham’s mama. This news… it's devastating, and my heart aches.
Not just in a metaphorical sense, but a physical pain that I feel deep inside my chest. My stomach feels tight, heavy with dread.
I can’t even fathom a world without Michelle, a world without the woman who brought the love of my life into the world. Who taught him how to make strawberry pancakes, and kissed away all of his scraped knees.. Who taught him how to love me and to love his daughters.
Oh Graham…
All I can think about is how, right now, he needs me more than ever. How even though it feels like the end, and it feels like the heaviest weight in the world, I have to be strong for him. I have to be his anchor, like he has been mine so many times since he walked into my life.
Later that night, when we’re sitting around the living room of the house, the mood is heavy.
Sadness is draped over everyone like a blanket, and even the girls giggling doesn’t seem to cure it. Allie pulled Graham aside when I was feeding the girls and told him what Dr. Crosby said today, and ever since, he’s stared off into space like he’s not even here.
I kissed him, and just held him, and even then, I don’t think I realized how badly Graham was doing until tonight, seeing him stare off into the fire blankly.
“Oh, right here, this tree right here?” Michelle points to the photo of her and Mark’s wedding day in the photobook she’s showing my mama.
They’ve been reminiscing together all night, pouring over album after album of photos, like old friends, and it’s a sight I’ll never forget.
“This is where Mark and I got married, right under that oak tree in the backyard.” Her eyes mist over as she continues, “I’ll never forget that day, no matter how old I get. It seems like just yesterday that I was standing there, but it’s been a lifetime ago. You know, I wanted Emery and Graham to get married there. Sentimental old lady in me.”
When I look up, she catches my eye and winks. My stomach feels heavy, but I somehow plaster on a fake smile.
“I hope that I will be here for that day,” she says quietly. Even though it was merely a whisper, it echoes off the walls. I squeeze my eyes shut, composing myself, then look over at Graham.
He stands abruptly and stalks out of the front door, letting the screen door slam shut behind him.
“I didn’t mean to upset him, darn it,” Michelle says. Mom reaches out and grabs her hand, squeezing it reassuringly.
“Mama, can you keep an eye on the girls? I’ll be right back,” I say, standing from my spot in front of the fire.
Walking out the front door, I breathe in the cool night air, but even in the open air… I feel like my lungs are on fire. Unable to take a full breath. Since arriving in Tennessee, truthfully, I've barely thought of anything other than Graham and our family. I haven’t worried about work, or what’s happening back at home.
Aside from Reed, Holland and our friends checking in, I’ve barely even thought of Chicago. My mind has been too preoccupied with what’s happening here, and work has certainly been the very last thing on my mind.
My feet carry me to the barn, where I know Graham will be, but before I can even pull the door open, I hear his heartbroken sobs.