“N-nothi-ng, I just missed the girls and it was a l-o-on-g day,” I stutter, tears wetting my cheeks. God, I must look like a mess. I’m sure I have mascara running down my cheeks.
His arms tighten around me, distracting me from the fact. Then, he stands and untangles us, grabs both Charlotte and Quinn and places them in my arms, along with the blanket Holland got them when they were born. They’re both asleep, but they snuggle against the mink blanket in my arms. For the first time today, I truly feel like I can breathe. Holding my girls, I feel the absence of the ache I’ve felt all day.
This is exactly where I’m meant to be.
“Your entire face changed the moment I placed Charlotte and Quinn in your arms,” Graham says quietly, taking his spot next to me on the couch.
“I just missed them, so much. It was a hard day, and all I could do all day was think about getting home to them, to hold them and run my fingers over their cheeks.”
Graham nods. “Em, what can I do? How can I help you? I know your career is important to you, and I know it’s hard to leave them. Tell me what I can do to make this better. You know if you don’t want to work, you can stay home with them.”
“No, absolutely not. I would never expect you to do that and you’re right, my career is important to me. It’s only my first day back, I’m hoping that it gets… easier. I just, today was a lot. And I missed the girls, so, so much.”
“I just want you to know that it’s an option. I’ll support you doing whatever you want. I’ll help in any way that I can, Em.”
Shaking my head, I rock the girls to my chest. “Graham, we’re not in any place to make decisions like that, and I’m sure you can agree. I’m sorry to fall apart like this, I just had a really hard day. I… I’m struggling, with all of this. It hurts, and I feel like I’m not strong enough to hold it.”
My words cause him pain, I can see it in the way his brow furrows, and the clench of his jaw. I have no doubt that he’s feeling the same pain I’ve been feeling.
A reminder of what happened between us, and the trust that’s been broken.
“I’m just offering, Em. I want you to be happy, and I want to do whatever I can do to make you happy. To make our girls happy. I know I fucked up, Em, and I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry that I broke your trust and I’ll say it over and over until you believe me. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove that to you, until my last fucking breath. I’ll never stop fighting for you, baby, for us. For our family. Tell me what I can do.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, holding back another round of tears, biting my lip until I taste the copper tinge of blood.
When I open my eyes, the look on Graham’s face is enough to make those tears spill. I hate that we’re both hurting, that we’re both in a place that feels stuck. I hate all of it. I wish things could be different.
“I don’t know how to fix this, Graham. I don’t know what we can do to make anything better, to make things the way that they were before.”
He drops his head into his hands, tugging at his hair as he runs his hands through it. When he pulls his head up to look at me, I see the agony in his honey-colored irises. “All I know is that I love you, Emery Davidson.”
I suck in a shocked gasp. It’s the first time he’s ever said that he’s loved me. My lower lip trembles, as my heart stops in my chest. His words steal the breath right from my lungs.
“I fuckingloveyou and I hate that I have to say it to you now, and not at a time where you canfeelthat love, but holding back is what got me here in the first place. By not telling you how I feel, what I feel for you. I’m going to be honest, even when it scares you. It took us a long time to get to where we were, Em. For you to trust me, and for me to feel like you weren’t going to flee at the first sign of something real. And that’s why I held back, and why I’ve held it in for so long. All I know is that I love you, and our girls, more than I’ve ever loved anything, and I’m not going to walk away. I’m not going to give up. Not now, not ten years from now. Because you’re it for me, you’re my winning goal. You’re the Stanley Cup. You, Charlotte and Quinn are every dream I’ve ever had, and everything I’ve ever needed.”
I let out a ragged sob, holding our babies in my arms. The pain feels unbearable. His words pierce my heart, and it wounds me. Deeply.
It hurts because even if I feel the same way that he does, even if I understand down to the marrow of my bones the things that he’s saying, it doesn’t change the past. It doesn’t erase the last two months that have gone by where we’ve walked past each other in the hallways like strangers.
It doesn’t erase the betrayal, or the hurt that I’ve been feeling.
Words are just words without the actions to prove them.
And in this case, they wound me even more than I thought possible, leaving my heart split wide open by the love I never wanted to let inside.
The next morning, I wake up with a pounding headache. It feels like my head is splitting in two. My eyes are dry, and puffy from crying.
When I finally open them, the sunlight causes the powerful ache in my head to throb harder.
I quickly realize how bright it is, and sit up with a start.
Shit, what time is it?
Scrambling from the bed, I wrench my bedroom door open and dart into the living room to relieve Graham. We’ve started to take shifts with the babies, so the other can get uninterrupted sleep, but after last night’s emotionally-draining episode, I had no energy left. Graham told me to get some sleep, and didn’t press for anything more.
I was mostly thankful, since I had an embarrassing meltdown, but also, I wish he would’ve tried to talk about what’s been happening. Maybe I would’ve given in because, in that moment, there was nothing better than being in his arms. It had been so long since he touched me, and I ache for it. All. The. Time.
Whether I was angry at him or not, it didn’t matter. Not then. I was thinking with my heart, not my head.