Emery
“This picturehere is when Graham was about two or so, and he had this obsession with being naked. I mean, buck naked, and constantly wanting to run around the yard, wearing nothing but a pair of old rubber boots his dad had found in the barn. I couldn’t keep clothes on that boy to save my life.” Michelle points to the picture of a naked Graham, playing in what looks like a round tin tub.
Just like she said, he’s turned away from the camera, wearing a pair of yellow rubber boots and a black cowboy hat with nothing else. He has two little dimples right above his little butt cheeks.
I’m laughing so hard, tears stream down my face as I clutch my hand to my stomach. Michelle and I have been on the porch swing, side by side for the last hour, flipping through old family albums. It seems like she’s kept a photo from every memory of their life, and I love it. I love seeing Graham as a child, seeing his father.
Although, he’s fixing the fence only a few feet in front of us, shirtless with sweat gleaming down his ridiculously muscled back, and it’s been very hard not to keep sneaking glances. My eyes drag down the flat, ribbed expanse of his stomach, as he picks up board after board and hammers it together. Each muscle rippling with the effect.
One last project before Michelle drops us off at the airport, and home we go. Back to reality.
Part of me isn’t ready to leave this bubble that we’ve been in for the past two weeks. And an even bigger part of me isn’t ready to leave Michelle and Allie behind.
“This is the oak tree, right over there, that Mark and I got married under when we were about the same age as you two.” She runs her finger over the photo, as if she can feel him still here with us, and maybe she can. I’d like to hope that they can still feel his presence here with them. “I was three months pregnant with Graham here. He was a surprise, but we loved him from the second we knew. Something about your first baby always has a special place in your heart, meant just for them. He taught me how to be a mama.”
“You’ve raised an amazing son, Michelle. He’s a good man.”
She nods. “A lot like his dad in lots of ways. He’s hard on the exterior, but the boy is soft as pie on the inside. And I see the way he looks at you.”
A sly smile sits on her lips. “Like you hung the moon. You’re good for him. I can tell you keep him on his toes, and he needs a challenge. Nothing worth having comes easily.”
If she only knew the truth. Guilt gnaws inside me, causing an open wound. I hate lying, now more than ever.
“I’ve been thinking.” She glances back down at the photo of her and Mark under the tree, locked in a kiss. “If you and Graham wanted, you could get married here. Right under the oak tree where his father and I got married.”
She points to the oak tree across the field, its massive limbs spreading out around the trunk, offering shade in the midst of blinding sunlight. The pure adoration in her eyes, the hopefulness and longing for what used to be makes my heart ache.
It’s a beautiful idea, and it immediately makes me feel horrible.
Oh god, what do I even say?
I clear my throat. “I think Graham would like that.”
"It’s no pressure. I just wanted to offer it to you both. We’d be happy to accommodate your family and help with anything that you’ll need. I can keep the babies while you two enjoy a honeymoon. Or in this case a baby moon.” She smiles warmly, and the guilt in my stomach feels as heavy as lead.
“I’d like to talk to him about it, and let you know. If that’s okay?”
“Of course, sweetheart.” She flips another page. “Oh, this is one of my favorite photos.”
It’s a photo of all four of them together. Graham looks to be around four or five, wrapped up in his father’s arms while his dad stands next to Michelle with Allie in hers. Their smiles are infectious. Just looking at the photo, I can feel the love. Feel how happy and content they were together.
It makes me think of Graham, the babies and me. What would our future look like? Would we have the same happiness as two separate families? Would our kids feel as loved as he did growing up? Now more than ever, my head is full of doubt. I felt the shift that night. When we stayed up until early in the morning, not able to get enough of each other. It wasn’t sex.
It was more.
This is starting to feel like more, and it scares me. No, it downrightterrifiesme. I’m scared of being hurt. Of being betrayed. Of letting someone in, just to end up destroyed.
“I’m so sad that y’all are leavin’ tomorrow,” Michelle says. A frown tugs at her lips just as Graham walks up the stairs of the porch, and flops down into the rocker across from us. He’s drenched in sweat, and his cheeks have turned red from the hot sun.
“Me too Ma, but I’m sure once the babies are here you and Allie can come down and visit for a bit?”
She nods, “Of course. I can’t believe you’re going to be a daddy, Graham. I’m so proud.”
“I had the best role models in the world Ma,” He grins. I’m convinced he’s the most charming man alive. Now I know why, more than ever, why girls lose their mind for those dimples.
I’m going to miss Michelle and Allie both, and I’ve only known them for a couple of weeks. But, in those couple of weeks, they’ve welcomed me with open arms, and I’ve enjoyed every moment spent here on the farm with them. Allie reminds me a lot of myself, and her company is easy, and something tells me that my mom and Michelle would love each other.
“I promise, I won’t let Graham go so long without us coming to visit. I love this place, and I’ve loved getting to know you both. I wish we didn’t have to go either.” I tell her.