“It was a room with no light, no food or water. Just nothing. I was left there to die.”
“For how long?” he mutters tightly.
“At least a week, but I don’t know for sure.”
Jase is silent for a few minutes before he says roughly, “That’s so fucked up.”
I nod in the dark, not that he can see me fighting off the familiar stitch in my chest that any mention of Shepherd creates. Even now, my fingers tremble and I curl them in my lap. Fucked up or not, he got what he wanted, which was my complete surrender. I’m not sure I would have stood up for myself or anything else if he hadn’t pushed me to it. This is a fucking grim reality and makes me hate him that much more.
“How did you get out?”
“Cole found me.”
“So, this was before Cole . . .?”
“Um, yes,” I say, swallowing because there will be plenty of time to grieve when the fucker is dead.
“What did they do to Cole? How did he die?”
“I don’t know exactly. After Enzo brought me to Shepherd’s house, he told me Cole was dead. I didn’t . . . I was too upset to ask how. He left me alone in the room, and that’s when I took my chance and fled out the window.”
“Enzo was part of this?” he hisses. Oh shit.
“Look, Jase, it’s complicated. You don’t understand. None of us had much of a choice. We were hiding in plain sight and forced to do things we would never do normally. Besides, I think in the end, he left me alone in that room so I could escape.”
And I do believe this. It’s the only thing that makes sense. In his own fucked up way, he was setting me free. I just wish he could have let everything go and made his own damn escape because surely, he’s still slowly dying inside.
“Really, Lola, you think the fucker allowed you to escape?” he asks, raising his brows.
“Yes, Jase, I do. Why else leave me in an unlocked room with a window? You don’t understand,” I mutter, turning my head back to the stars. How could he? He wasn’t torn down by the great Shepherd, only to be built back up out of fear and fucking disillusionment.
We’re quiet for a moment, and only when Jase shifts uncomfortably and glances at my face and away a couple of times do I turn to him suspiciously. What now?
When I raise my brow impatiently, he sighs. “Lola, was Cole with another woman there?”
Fuck. I avoided this whole conversation because I didn’t want them to wonder or worry about Cole’s actions, my actions, or even Enzo’s. They weren’t there. They’ll never know what it meant to survive in that madness, but the reminder doesn’t exactly bring me the warm fuzzies.
“I . . . yes, he was. Why?”
“Why, why was he?” Jase insists.
“Jase, you have to understand. You did what you were told, or you died, and dying could be easy or very painful. I never asked Cole why, but if I did, I imagine it would be because Shepherd willed it so.”
“Bullshit. He could’ve fought or escaped like you did,” Jase insists, his eyes flashing.
“You know Cole. He would’ve seen Marie as someone he needed to protect, and he did. He wanted to protect her,” I say, but my throat is tight because even though I understood his need to do the right thing, I was always the last to be considered in his fucked-up hierarchy of duty and honor.
“Jesus,” Jase sighs, scrubbing his face. “Do you think he loves her?”
I tip my head back and look at the ceiling, or the darkness where the ceiling is, and say, “I don’t know, maybe? I thought he was just trying to protect us both, but with him, who knows? He never truly shared those parts of himself, probably in some fucked up effort to keep me safe.”
My stomach sours at the thought before I whip my head around and grab Jase’s knee. “What do you mean, Jase? Does he love her?”
Holy shit. Is he alive? It can’t be possible, can it? Fuck, I’m afraid to hope, even as my heart pounds heavily in my chest.
Jase’s mouth quirks up at the corner and he says, “I saw him, Lola. Enzo must have lied to you. Cole’s alive.”
I drop my hand and stare, my pulse galloping out of my skin. Jase’s eyes soften and he pulls me into his chest, where I shudder and then cover my mouth when a laugh escapes.
“Really?” I whisper and he nods, and I ugly cry all over him while he soothes me awkwardly, but I pay him no mind because all the fear and hate and guilt drop away, knowing that Cole’s not gone.
With a lightness I haven’t felt in a long time, I laugh and Jase chuckles. When I glance at him, I grin so wide my face hurts.
He’s alive!