Probably because I used to be one of those kids.But I didn’t say it out loud. She was about to learn more than she’d ever wanted to know about my personal life. I doubted she wanted to delve into my past as well.
“Shoot,” I said. “How can I help you?”
She explained the roadblocks one of the girls was putting up in the mentorship process to me, and it sounded all too familiar. I gave Lennon all the advice I could think of until she seemed to remember that I’d called her and not the other way around.
“What can I do for you?” she asked. “Sorry. I got a little carried away there. I do that sometimes, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.”
“I was actually hoping I could pick your brain about a few things, so it seems like great minds think alike.”
She laughed. “Well, I hope I’m half as good at solving your problems as you just were for me. What’s up?”
I paused for a second, not even sure where to start. The tricky thing about not having had any friends to have heart-to-hearts with for so long was that I hadn’t had any friends to have heart-to-hearts with for long. I didn’t know how to begin to broach this subject.
Eventually, I just treated it like a meeting. I started at the beginning, stuck to the facts, and then ended with a conclusion. Except that in this instance, the conclusion wasn’t me setting out the way forward. It was hoping that she would set it out for me.
A few long beats passed before she let out a low whistle. “Girl, you have no idea how glad I am that you came to me with this.”
“You don’t think I’m crazy for spilling my guts to you?”
She laughed. “Oh, no. It’s not that. You’re absolutely batshit insane for tearing open your heart and letting it bleed like that all over someone you met a couple weeks ago, but all my favorite people are absolutely batshit crazy, so it works.”
“In that case, I’m hoping you’re about to tell me what the hell I’m supposed to do about all this.”
Her voice gentled. “No one can tell you what to do, but I’ll tell you what I think.”
“Please.”
She sighed. “You’re not going to like hearing my opinion, but work will always be there. It won’t ever fill that hole inside you, though. I know it might be difficult for you, but you should consider letting your guard down and giving Parker a chance.”
She paused to take a deep breath. “I’ve known him for a while now, and he’s a good guy. One of the few really good ones, if you ask me. While I obviously can’t guarantee a happily ever after and that everything will come up roses, I do know that there’s only one way of finding out. If you don’t go for it now, you may never have another chance. You don’t want to wake up in twenty years and still be wondering if you turned your back on your one true love just because you were too afraid to take the shot when you had it.”
“You may have a point there,” I said.
We hung up a few minutes later after we said goodbye. Lennon made me promise to let her know what I decided to do, and while I’d have loved it if our conversation had cleared everything up for me, it hadn’t.
I was leaning toward going to the wedding and giving Parker a real chance, but I didn’t know if I could do it. When push came to shove, I just didn’t know if I would ever be able to do it. Maybe work would never fill that hole inside me, but it had never punched a hole right through the center of my chest either.
Was taking a chance worth it if taking it would make me vulnerable? Was it worth it if I opened myself up to love only to have it yanked away from me again? Was it worth the risk of being abandoned again? I just didn’t know, and while there might only have been one way of finding out, I didn’t know if I was strong enough, if I had enough courage, to go down that road. Not with the stakes being this high. They were higher than they’d ever been.
Because if I open myself up to all of it and it doesn’t work out, I’ll be crushed.The last vestiges of hope I had left for actual happiness in my life would be ground into dust, and I couldn’t live without that hope.At least, I don’t think I can, and that’s really all I need to know.