CHAPTER28
Phoebe was rolled in a ball in her bed the next morning, her knees wedged into her chest and the bedclothes clutched tightly around her. She heard a knock on the door, but she squeezed her eyes shut, not ready to face the day.
In fact, she had barely been able to sleep through the night. After Jeffrey had left her office, she had sunk to the floor and allowed the tears to flow freely as she realized just how much it hurt, knowing she had lost him. While he had never said the words, she had felt it, deep in her soul. She hadn’t been aware of the depth of her emotions toward him until her dreams for a future with him began to seep away from her. It wasn’t fair, she had thought, shaking her head against the truth of it all. Why could she not follow her passions and make a difference, while still finding the true love she had never thought would be there for her?
The worst of it all was that she could see the situation from Jeffrey’s point of view. Shehadused him. Shehadlied to him. She had done everything of which he had accused her, and there was no use arguing with him, for all she could say was that he was right — and that everything had changed for her.
But why would he believe her now?
All of these details flowing through her mind, after Jeffrey left, Phoebe wasn’t sure how long she had sat at her horrible desk. She had finally come to her senses when there had been a soft knock at the door. At Rhoda’s quiet question regarding whether everything was all right, Phoebe rallied herself enough to call out that all was fine, and finally after enough time had passed, she composed herself, collected her belongings, and left, calling out to her staff that she was not well and would return tomorrow.
Since then, she had been desperately trying to determine how she could save it all. By the time she had fallen into bed, physically and mentally exhausted, no brilliant ideas had come to her, and she had despaired of waking up the next day to face it all again.
But she did. For that’s how time worked, did it not?
And now… well, for the moment she would have to put aside her own heart, or what was left of it, and focus on other matters. For by telling Jeffrey of who she was, she had not only risked her heart but her entire paper as well. Now it was in his hands, and she had no idea what that would mean for her or her staff. What he would do with the information he had gleaned yesterday. She could wait and see. But she would have to be the one to speak to the people who worked for her, to prepare them for what may come.
Nancy came in quickly after Phoebe rang the bell, and Phoebe managed a small smile for the girl, who had likely been waiting outside the door, aware that her lady was not entirely in her best state of mind.
“Good morning, my lady,” Nancy said quietly, and with her somehow unhurried efficiency, began to search through the wardrobe to choose Phoebe’s clothing for the day. “You will be in at the office today?” she asked, to which Phoebe nodded. She didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to face it all. She would far prefer to sit here and cry over the love she had never sought but had found and lost all the same, all by her own doing. And yet, life went on. Other people depended upon her. And so she would put on a brave face along with her clothing for the day, attend to matters at the newspaper office, and then return home where she could allow herself tofeelonce more in private.
“The gray, I think, Nancy,” Phoebe said, choosing a smart gown the same color as her mood. Nancy nodded, finding the dress as well as the accessories to accompany it, and Phoebe reluctantly pulled herself from the bed to begin dressing. After Nancy arranged her hair in a tight chignon that Phoebe found pulled at her head but allowed her to feel rather efficient, she went down to breakfast, sighing when she saw that for once in her life, Aurelia had decided to come down first thing in the morning. She loved Aurelia, truly she did, but why today, of all days, did she decide to join her, when Phoebe would far prefer to sit in her own miserable silence?
“Good morning, darling,” she said, and Phoebe attempted to smile as she took a seat. She didn’t miss Aurelia’s shrewd perusal of her face.
“Good morning, Aunt Aurelia.”
“And how are you today?”
“I am fine, thank you.”
“Are you?”
Phoebe knew she wasn’t exactly at her best, but she didn’t think there was anything particularly amiss with how she looked. Perhaps Aurelia had been seeking her out last night when she had remained in her rooms.
“I am feeling better than yesterday. I must have had some sort of megrim or something.”
“You never have megrims.”
“It seems that yesterday, I did.”
Why was Aurelia questioning her so today? Typically her aunt primarily left her to see to her own affairs, without any interference.
“Phoebe.” Aurelia reached across the table and placed her hand over hers, and Phoebe looked up at her in surprise, her fork stilling in her other hand in its work of shuffling food from one side of her plate to the other.
“Yes?”
“Has something happened? I may be an old spinster, but I know what one’s face looks like after her heart has been broken. Has something happened between you and the marquess?”
And with her aunt looking at her so pityingly, Phoebe put down her fork. She began to assemble a story that would tell the truth while leaving out a few details, but soon enough the tears were flowing once more, and it all came spilling out — every bit of it, from her original intentions and her dishonesty, to falling in love with Jeffrey and his visit to the office yesterday, to her fear for the paper and her desire to continue her quest. She only left out the intimate bits.
“Oh, Aurelia, what do I do now?”
“Well,” Aurelia said matter-of-factly after consoling Phoebe, “the first thing you do, that youmustdo, is continue to live your life. For wallowing in self-pity will help no one, including yourself. Secondly, if you love him as truly as you say you do, you must tell him of this — again, after he has had time to recover from hearing all that you shared with him. And lastly, Phoebe, I cannot tell you how proud I am of you and all that you have done. You must save that publication. I can hardly believe that Jeffrey would do anything to ruin all that you have built, but others will come after you. It cannot be helped. You can protect it, and you can fight for it. Do not quit.”
Phoebe looked up at her, her eyes watering with unshed tears once more, but she nodded. That was one thing she could do, that she had some control over.The Women’s Weeklywould not fall, not on her watch.
“You are right,” she said, with some determination now. “I cannot fail. I refuse to. Wish me luck?”