Anyway. After Ryan disappeared, it just intensified. Like being with Chase brought me closer to Ryan. Again. It soundsmore twisted than it is, I think. I think. Because I think it’s the same for Chase somehow. He never paid that much attention to me before. Not in a sexual way. Now it’s like we can’t get enough of each other. Only the second it’s over, we have nothing to say and I feel like a traitor. No. I have everything to say, but it’s all extremely unsayable.
Like,I know you’re lying to me, Chase. Just tell me the truth and I’ll forgive you. Just you.I can’t say it, because I can’t forgive him unless he tells me on his own. But he hasn’t. He’s had a whole year and we’ve been alone together many times. And if he hasn’t done it by now, he never will.
“Tell me something, Chase.”
He rolls away from me a little. “What?”
“Something I would never guess.”
“I’m not afraid of clowns.”
“What?” I laugh unexpectedly. It happens so rarely these days.
“It seems like most people are afraid of clowns. I don’t get it. They’re just actors with bad taste in clothing and really dramatic makeup. I feel sorry for clowns.”
“What about killer clowns?”
“Well, I’m afraid of killers, period. I’m also afraid of killer farmers. But people don’t go around saying they’re afraid of farmers. They say they’re afraid of clowns. It’s clownist.”
“What else are you afraid of?”
He furrows his brow, narrowing his bright eyes. “Being tantalized.”
I sit up and try to look sexy. I think. “Like, tempted?”
“Oh no. Like Tantalus. He tried to trick the gods by servingthem human flesh in a stew—his own son, actually. As punishment, Zeus killed him, and made him stand forever in a lake surrounded by water underneath a tree of fruit. But whenever he tried to drink or eat, the water would recede and the fruit went just out of his reach. That’s being tantalized. Surrounded by what you need, but you can’t have it.” He pauses. “People use the word in relation to desire, but when you think about Tantalus, even if he was already dead, that’s food and drink we’re talking about. Hunger and thirst are more than desire. You need some things so much that if you don’t have them, you change.” He looks at me quickly and then off the bed. “Maybe that’s silly.”
“No. It makes sense. Like trust.”
“Companionship.”
We neaten ourselves up and leave the room one at a time, me first. When I get downstairs, I find Kennedy standing stiffly at the back door, biting her nails. I tap my fingers on her shoulder. “Everything okay?” I ask. I kind of hope she did hear us a little.
She turns to me, her dismay unconcealed. “Extra guest. I hope you don’t mind. I really didn’t know Chase was planning… I don’t…” She trails off and I push the door open.
My heart drops into my stomach. Chelsea is perched on the table, peeling green grapes and babbling on about wormholes. Beneath her, smoking a cigarette and picking at an heirloom tomato salad, is Mila.
Mila.
Onetime Mila. Mila of the past. Mila, who has no business in the lake house or my life.
Or with Chase.
With Chase.
I turn around, light-headed, and sit on the large green suitcase Chase left by the cellar door. “Was Chase planning this?”
Kennedy throws her hands up. “It’s his girlfriend. Trust me. She was not invited.” She rushes to my side. “Emily, I’m so, so sorry about this. Say the word and I will pull the plug on this whole weekend.”
The wordgirlfriendsends an electric current through my body, and I feel my heart flicker out. I tap it. He wouldn’t do that. Of course he would. He betrayed Ryan; he betrayed me. None of these people, my friends, have any redeeming qualities. They do what they want, when they want. “I thought they were over. Ages ago.”
Kennedy’s forehead creases, and if you didn’t know her like I do, you would fall for the act, believe that she cares one bit how I feel. Like dirt. A single, crumbling grain of dirt. “They were. But you know Chase. I’m sure it’s not serious.” She hesitates. “At least I don’t think it is.”
I take a deep breath and purse my lips, letting my cheeks fill like a sail as I exhale. “Whatever. He can do what he wants.”
She scrutinizes me. “You don’t care?”
“Why would I?”