I didn’t even know where to begin to respond to that.
“Camilla – she’s the mother of my children. I know you’re upset with her. I completely understand. I don’t like the idea of you holding a grudge against the mother of your siblings, but if that’s what you want to do, then that’s up to you. But if you want my advice, you need to bury this hatchet of yours. Put the past behind you. Sadie’s a damn good mother, and maybe you ought to try and see that rather than nurse this grudge well past its expiration date.”
“She lied to me. How can I put that behind me?”
“I did. She lied to me, too. But she’s damn sorry for it, and I found a way to move past it. We’re family now, and family’s more important than squabbles like this.”
She glanced away, and I could sense that more was on her mind. Camilla bit her lip, then turned her eyes back to me.
“You two…you’re not even dating.”
“What?”
“You’re doing this co-parenting setup. Fine, whatever. That works for the kids now while they’re too small to know what’s going on. But what happens when they’re older? Don’t you think they’re going to start asking questions about why their parents are so…weirdwith one another?”
“Camilla, what’s the story here? Do you want us together?”
“I don’t know. I just want what’s best for the kids.”
Without another word, she turned her attention back to the menu. I wanted to press her more, to figure out where all of this was coming from. After all, in a strange way, it was the closest she’d been toward anything to reconciliation with Sadie.
But I didn’t press matters. After we ordered, Camilla wasted no time going right into talking about work, as if she wanted me to see that she had no further interest in discussing the Sadie matter. The rest of the lunch went that way, and when I was back in the car, I realized I had a hell of a lot of thinking to do.
I drove home, the conversation from lunch still on my mind. I tried to figure out what Camilla had been getting at, and why she was suddenly so insistent that Sadie and I have a more normal relationship.
It was something that had been on my mind, too. After all, Camilla was still under the impression that Sadie and I were platonic.
Or was she? Camilla was smart – smarter than me, likely. And her job was to notice things, to put them together. Had she figured out one way or another that Sadie and I were no longerjustco-parents?
But thinking about it put other notions in my head. Sadie and I were sleeping together, though not in the literal sense. We cared for each other deeply. She was a wonderful mother and someone I was proud to be raising those kids with.
There was something missing. I considered this as I pulled my truck to a stop at a red light. There was a reason Camilla was still so against what was happening, a reason why the arrangement with Sadie felt so much like, well, an arrangement.
I realized what it was. It hit me hard, and once it settled in my mind, I knew what I needed to do.
I loved Sadie. I loved her madly.
I’d been in denial about it, trying to make our relationship something that it wasn’t. But in doing so, I’d put myself in the position of living in denial, of pretending that I didn’t feel about her the way that I did.
The light turned green. I drove forward, certain of what I needed to do.
I needed to tell her I loved her. I needed to tell her that I wanted to be a family.
A smile formed on my face, one happier and more content than I’d felt in a long, long while. Images filled my head, images of me, Sadie, Emmy, Andy, and the family that we were supposed to be.
But they only lasted for a moment. A horrible screech sounded, and I turned to see a van careening through the intersection, trying and failing to come to a stop.
It was coming toward me. Frantically, I pressed down on the gas to gun through the intersection.
I was too late.
There was screeching and a crash and the grinding of metal on metal.
And then there was darkness.