I was wrong, so very wrong.
I wait, hoping this wretchedness will pass, willing the tears to stop, but it doesn’t. It didn’t matter how many times I told myself I would be okay, it was a momentary thing, that searing ache in my chest would soon ebb away and I could breathe again.
It doesn’t, it only becomes more profound each day that passes, so much so, that it makes me sick.
“Rein, please babe, eat something. You’ve been throwing up for days, I’m really starting to worry.” Paris says pulling my hair back while I heave, my stomach lurches but nothing comes up. “I’m going to call a doctor out, this isn’t normal.”
“No,” I shake my head and wipe my mouth with the tissue she hands me. “I’m fine.”
“Fine? Are you kidding me?” Paris scowls, “Nothing about this is fine, Rein. You need to eat something, or at least drink some water. Please?”
I wince when my stomach tightens again. “Fine.” I sigh tiredly, taking the bottle from her and sipping. “Did you get the ticket?”
Paris nods sullenly, her hazel eyes watering, “Of course, you fly out in two days.” I nod mutely and pull my knees to my chest. “Are you sure this is what you want? Running away is so unlike you,” she adds.
“No, it’s not,” I reply staring down at the balled-up tissue in my hand. “I’ve been running from one thing or another my whole life.” I admit woefully. “I’m a fucking pro at putting on a brave face, but the truth is I’m a coward P. I only came out here because I couldn’t face the reality of losing my mother. I foolishly thought if I was far enough it wouldn’t affect me, but it does, every fucking day.” I cry. “And you have no idea how much I wish I had died in that accident.”
Paris shakes her head and scoots closer to me, “No, Rein, please don’t talk like that.”
“Why? It’s the truth! What good has come out of this supposed second chance? When I have done nothing but suffer since that fucking day. Why was I given the chance to live if I’m not supposed to be happy, P?!” I sob. “Why can’t I be happy?!”
“Rein, it’s going to be okay.”
“No, it’s not.” I cry, burying my head in my arms while I restlessly rock back and forth. “You don’t understand. I’ve not felt like myself after I almost died in that accident. I’ve had issues with the whole heart transplant thing, and it wasn’t until I met Talon that I started to see fragments of myself resurfacing again.” I admit and rake my fingers through my hair. “God, I actually let myself believe that I meant something to him. Like an idiot I believed we could have a future together, when all the while he was lying to me, P. All those whispered words of how special I was to him and how he would always protect me…” I wince with a shake of my head. “Of course I’m special, I’m carrying the heart of his beloved fiancée.” I scoff. “As if a guy like him would ever fall for a girl like me.”
Paris grabs hold of my face and lifts my head so I’m looking at her. “Rein, please stop torturing yourself. You’re so beautiful. You’re smart, funny and down to earth and the strongest yet kindest person I know. I’m a better person because of you, so fuck that asshole and all the others that didn’t know how to appreciate you. He’s not worth your tears, babe.” She affirms, brushing away my tears with her thumbs.
“Yeah? Try telling that to the suffocating ache in my chest that continues to seep deeper and deeper at every passing second.”
Paris sighs and tucks a loose strand of my hair away from my face and tucks it behind my ear. “It will get better in time, I promise. You’re suffering your first heartbreak, granted it’s a big one, but I have no doubt that you will pull it together and come out stronger like you always do.”
Not this time I won’t.
I will not trust nor ever be stupid enough to fall in love again.