Rein
BIG GIRLS CRY - SIA
“The question is do you want to be with me?”
Do I want to? Yes, of course I do, despite me pleading with my heart to forget about him and move on, I can’t. I love him. I would like to believe everything he is saying, but knowing how much he hurt me, I just don’t know if I can fully ever trust him again.
Truthfully, I’m scared, watching my mother suffer all those times she had her heart torn to shreds because she was too forgiving.
Talon watches me raptly, those ocean eyes almost beseeching while he patiently waits for me to answer. I swallow against the dryness of my throat and keep my gaze on his, willing my mouth to speak but every time I open my mouth the words get lodged in my throat and nothing comes out.
“Rein, I need to know if I’m fighting a lost cause here,” he shuffles closer, “I’ll keep fighting for us for as long as it takes, but if you can’t see yourself ever forgiving me, then tell me now and I’ll respect your wishes and back off. I’ll let you be, and I’ll remain as the father of your child and nothing more.” The back of my eyelids prickle and the knot forming in my throat grows, constricting my airways. “Give me something, just a glimmer of hope that we can make it through this, because I can’t picture my life without you,” he declares cupping my face, his thumbs stroking my jaw affectionately. “I wish I had the chance to go back and do things differently. Rein, I’m so goddamn sorry. Just give me something to hold onto, to keep fighting for us, Snowflake,” he pleads pressing his forehead to mine. “Please.”
My hands come up and I curl my fingers around his wrists. “Talon,” I whisper woefully, and he draws his head back a little and looks down into my eyes.
For a long time neither of us say anything, we stand still gazing at one another until he nods glumly in understanding, a defeated look falls upon his handsome face.
“I really am sorry,” he utters, pressing a lingering kiss to my forehead. “I love you and that’s never going to change.” He whispers in my ear before he pulls away and walks out of the classroom leaving me alone. I stand there staring at the empty space Talon was just standing in, my heart pounding erratically, an ache spreads across my chest, catching my breath.
“I love you too,” I whisper into the empty room. My feet move to take a step to go after him, but a sudden crippling pain in my chest stops me in my tracks. I hiss and press my hand over my heart. “Ahh.”
* * *
“Mi hija,”I lift my eyes from the plate and look at my Grammy. “You haven’t touched your food and you’re looking really pale, estás bien?” My Grammy asks worriedly and reaches over pressing the backs of her fingers to my forehead to check if I’m running a fever.
“Si, I’m fine, Abuela. I’m just tired, I’ve not been sleeping very well.” I sigh, pushing the food around on my plate.
My grandmother tilts her head to the side, “Por qué? Qué está mal?”
I shrug and drop my fork, “I can’t seem to get comfortable.” I push my chair back, “Excuse me.” My aunt and Grammy watch me closely as I stand and make my way up to my bedroom.
“What’s wrong with her?” I overhear my grandmother questioning my aunt as I ascend the stairs.
What’s right with me? My life is in tatters and I’m unsure where I’m supposed to start picking up the pieces. This baby is coming in less than six weeks and I’m not ready. A light knock sounds on the door, it opens, and my aunt pokes her head in through the door. “Can I come in?” I nod mutely and she pushes the door open all the way and walks into the room, she sits at the end of my bed where I was laying staring up at the ceiling. “I really hate seeing you like this, mama.”
“I hate feeling like this,” I admit sullenly, my vision blurs and tears stream down the side of my face. “He just stood there and begged me to give him some form of hope to hold onto, that someday I will forgive him, and I said nothing. I stood there looking at him and couldn’t muster up the words. I can’t get the defeated look in his eyes out of my head.” I sob. “Tia, he tore apart my heart, and like an idiot I still love him with all the broken pieces.”
“Oh honey, just because you end it in your head doesn’t mean your heart will accept it’s over. There is no such thing as a perfect love story. When we allow someone into our lives, and our hearts, we unwittingly give them the power to destroy us,” she tells me, peering down into my face. “Unfortunately, it’s the unwritten rule of romance.” I sigh heavily and close my eyes. “Rein, he made a mistake and clearly, he’s full of regret and is willing to do anything to make things right. Don’t be so stubborn that you let a good one slip away.”
“And what if he hurts me again?”
My aunt shifts, she takes my hands and pulls me so I can sit upright. She perches in front of the bed. “What if he doesn’t.” She presses, reaching over to wipe away my tears. “Mi amor, you cannot live the rest of your life in fear of being let down, because I have news for you, there are a lot of pendejos out there who will promise you the world and break your heart and not even bat an eyelid. Take it from me, the good ones are either taken, gay or dead. You will look back ten, twenty years later when it’s too late and I promise you, you will wonder and each day that passes you will regret not giving him another chance. That boy is a good egg, and he loves you, so much so that he uprooted his whole life just to be close to you.”
“I doubt that. He claims he didn’t come looking for me.”
My aunt smiles warmly, “And you believe that? Of course, he is here for you, mi amor. He could have gone anywhere in the world, but he chose to come to where you are, whether his heart unconsciously led him here not, he’s here, now hopelessly waiting for you.”
I chew my bottom lip and play with the pendant of the necklace my mother gave me. The very necklace Talon selflessly had the fire department retrieve for me from the fire.
Talon is a good man, I wholeheartedly believe that and looking back at our relationship he’s proven that countless times. While his true intentions remain a question mark in my head. I owe it to our son and myself to hear him out and maybe it will put to bed the doubts circling in my mind.
I need to be certain that his attraction and interest toward me had absolutely nothing to do with his ex-fiancée.
My aunt did have a point, perhaps I am letting my fear of getting hurt and all those years of trauma, witnessing my mother suffer hold me back from my own happiness. Could I just be using the fact he hurt me as an excuse to protect myself from any future disappointment? Because let’s face it, this is me that we’re talking about.
Whether I like it or not, Talon is going to be a part of my life for a very long time. I only pray that by choosing to forgive him I’m not setting myself up for anymore devastation.
Hours later, I stare at my phone sitting on the nightstand, my fingers drumming on the table while I chew edgily on my lower lip. A week ago, Talon gave me his number should I need it for ‘baby’ related emergencies. I have an antenatal class tomorrow; I could ask him to come with me. I groan when the baby kicks me. “Ow, I bet you’re getting sick of my procrastinating, aren’t you?” I ask placing my hand on my belly and he kicks again as if responding. I sigh, “Okay, fine, stop kicking me I’ll call. And please kindly get off my bladder, I’m sick of walking to the bathroom every two minutes.” I scold him, giving my belly a gentle shake.