Shep nodded like it was no big deal. Perhaps he underestimated how much Helen meant to me.
My grin transformed into a wide smile. “Oh my God, thank you.” I took a small step toward him, then halted. If he was keeping his distance, I should, too. I shoved my hands in my pockets instead. “Is she all right?”
“A little dirty, but otherwise fine. Found her in a workshop at the rear of your aunt’s house in Illinois. Still had Franky’s gear on board. I destroyed the dope but kept the nine hundred large for you.”
“Nine hundred grand?” I did a slow blink. “Wow. I don’t even know what to think about that.”
“You don’t have to decide what to do with it right away, but I’d say it’s a small compensation for the nightmare you’ve been through.”
I supposed I could use it to pay for Justin’s rehab. I called my brother weekly and was impressed with his progress. Addiction would be a lifelong struggle for him, but I remained cautiously optimistic.
We continued walking.
“And I wanted you to know I’m done with being a hitman. I don’t want that life anymore.”
“Really? That’s great news!” I reached across to give his arm a squeeze.
Shep’s gaze focused on my hand as if it were burning a hole through him. Shit, hadn’t I told myself I wouldn’t touch him? Or get carried away by his presence? I tore my hand away and fidgeted with the cuff of my sweater, hoping I hadn’t overstepped some unspoken boundary.
“What will you do now?” I asked.
“I’m not sure.” He relaxed his stance and scratched the stubble on his jaw. “Think I’ll take some time out to start with. Get Ranger one hundred percent so we can go hunting again. Might make some improvements to the cabin. I’ve fixed the front door, but there are a few other things to mend.”
I winced. “I still feel crappy about destroying your stuff.”
“Don’t,” he said. “It’ll give me a chance to get familiar with my tools again before I take on bigger projects.” He shrugged one large shoulder. “But I’m done with all the killing. I think my time will be better spent creating things rather than ending them.”
Shep had done some serious soul searching since I’d left. It was everything I’d wanted for him—a peaceful life without violence—except I’d hoped it would be with me. Still, I was proud of the decisions he’d made, so I tried to bury my disappointment at not being able to experience the journey with him.
I sighed. “Well, it sounds like it’s safe for me to head home, and you and Ranger can return to the cabin.” Where he had the isolation he craved and no risk of forming any unwanted attachments. “I guess everything worked out the way you wanted.” I hated how bitter my words sounded. I should be content that we’d all come out of this with our lives intact.
But I wasn’t.
Not even close.
He stepped in front of me, blocking my path. The action surprised me, and I pulled up fast.
“Dammit, Cam, it hasn’t.” There was an intensity to Shep’s stare as he considered his next words.
This was it. This was why he’d driven thousands of miles to meet with me face to face. My chest clenched with anticipation.
“Before you left, I said some things I regret. They were hurtful and cruel. I wish I could take them back, but it seems those words found their mark.”
He thought I was standoffish because of what he said in the storage unit? I supposed that was better than him thinking I’d been a lovesick wreck this whole time.
Shep continued. “I hated upsetting you, but in my fucked-up head I thought it was the best way to get you to move on. I’m so sorry I hurt you like that. Do you think…” He paused, struggling with his words. “Do you think you could ever forgive me for being such a jerk?” He held his breath while he waited for my answer.
My heart sank. He’d only come here out of guilt. Shep was taking thisnew manthing seriously and wanted a clear conscience before starting the next phase of his life. I’d been wise to rein in my enthusiasm at seeing him on my doorstep.
“Is that why you’re here, Shep? Because you want a pardon for pushing me away and breaking my heart?” A lump formed in my throat, something I’d become familiar with these last six weeks. “If you need that to move on, then fine, I forgive you. How could I not after everything you’ve done for me?”
“That’s not why I’m here. I mean, yeah, I want to make things right between us, but not so I can move onfromyou. I want to move onwithyou.”
Wait. He what?
“I’ve had a lot of time to think about what happened between us at the cabin. You’ve practically consumed my thoughts since we parted.”
My pulse thrummed through my veins. He’d come here in person not because of phone taps, but because this was important to him. I guessed that went some way toward explaining his nervousness since he turned up on my doorstep.