We stare silently at Asher, who is struggling to move the pedals of his giraffe cart.
“Right. That’s very plausible,” she deadpans. “Asher, honey, I’ll help you,” she calls out.
The boy waves his hands in excitement.
“What animals do you want to see the most?” I ask.
“All of them!”
We make a huge effort to grant his wish, but after four hours of walking around the zoo, Sera is wilting around the edges. She’s gone from anxious to exhausted.
I make her sit down and fetch her a soda and a salted pretzel. Asher gets a corn dog with ketchup that is promptly dropped on the ground. The red sauce splatters onto his white Nikes, and the tot bursts in to tears. Sera looks about ready to turn on the waterworks, too.
I grab a water and napkins and get to work. “There, not so bad, is it?”
Asher lifts his tiny sneaker-shod foot in the air and inspects his washed shoe with the gravity of a jeweler assessing the value of a newly cut diamond.
“Is okay,” he agrees. “I’m hungry.” He points to the fallen corn dog.
“Easy enough.” I jog over to the concession stand, where they have a replacement ready for me.
“Shit happens, man,” the kid behind the counter says.
“Thanks.”
“Here, have some ice cream dots. The kids love them.”
“I’ll make sure you get a raise,” I reply.
The kid makes a finger gun. “You better.”
Asher is easily appeased with the replacement hot dog and proceeds to eat half and spill the other half down his shirt. For some reason, this doesn’t bother him.
“He really loves his shoes. Michael always wore white Nikes, too,” Sera explains. “Michael and Asher were very close. Michael would read to him every night, even up until the end. He was a great father.” She chokes up and can’t finish.
I hand her a leftover napkin and take a bite of my own corn dog, all the while trying not to dwell on the giant shadow that my dead cousin is casting over my life.
“I don’t know how to be a dad—” or a husband, I silently add, “but I’ll do my best by Asher.”
“I know you will. I’m sorry for crying. I don’t know why I’m such a watering pot. I’m not even anxious anymore, so by all rights, I should be laughing instead of weeping.”
“It’s because you’re tired. Humans weren’t meant to walk on pavement for four hours staring at animals in cages. It’s unnatural.”
Over in his giraffe cart, smeared with ketchup and leftover ice cream dots, Asher has nodded off. Sera wipes her face and then goes to retrieve her child. His head lolls on her shoulder, and she tries to reposition him, but even at three, he’s a bit too big for her to handle. I scoop all the leftovers up and toss them into the trash.
“Let me,” I say, and pluck Asher out of her arms.
“He’s too heavy for you,” she protests.
I give her a “you must be kidding me” look, which elicits chagrined acceptance. “Grab the cart,” I order and then head for the exit.
Asher isn’t very heavy, and a strange, warm feeling spreads through me as I carry him to the car with his small head tucked into my neck and Sera by my side. In another world, another time, could Asher have been mine? If I’d taken Sera that night instead of allowing her to walk away from me, would this visit to the zoo have been a trip taken with my family?
A maelstrom of emotions course through me—regret, anger, and then, finally, resolve. This may not have been a family I created, but it’s mine now, and I’m not letting anyone take it from me.
8
SERA
I jerk awake in a panic, not sure where I am. It takes me a second to get my bearings. I suddenly realize I’m in the living room. I don’t even recall how I got here. The last thing I remember is the ride home from the zoo.
“Asher.” I jump up from the sofa and fly up the stairs. Asher’s bedroom door stands open. I freeze at the entrance of the room when I see Jericho sitting in the rocking chair with Asher draped across him. They look so comfortable that I try to remain as quiet as I can. But it’s not long before Jericho’s eyes flutter open, locking with mine. He gives me a half smile as he slowly stands, doing his best to not wake Asher in the process. I watch as he gently lays Asher down in his bed.
I creep over to the bed to give Asher a kiss before I grab the monitor that lets me keep an eye on him from anywhere in the house. I slip from the bedroom with Jericho following right behind me.
“Come downstairs with me?” he whispers as I close the door behind us.