The pain in my chest increased, and I stumbled toward the open balcony doors for some fresh air, rubbing my chest with my hand. It hurt. Oh, it hurt to know that he had looked at me with disgust, like he couldn’t trust me. My reasons for keeping Jon’s identity from him had been purely selfish. I hadn’t wanted Gavril to kick me out of his life because of my past.
Now I was on the verge of that exact thing happening, and I couldn’t take it.
A tear streaked down my cheek and I brushed it away angrily, mad at myself for what I had caused. What was I going to do? What was Gavril going to do to me? Was he going to kick me out of his life and force me to fend for myself? Jon would have me in a minute, and then I didn’t know what the madman would do to this child.
I couldn’t let that happen. Even if Gavril didn’t want me any longer, I could run again, no matter how much I didn’t want to do it. I knew that Ilsa and Roman would protect me, but the very thought of exposing them to Jon made me sick. I had already ruined Gavril’s plans and a potential future.
I couldn’t do the same for them. Ilsa had worked so hard to find happiness, and Roman had given up everything for her. He was still a wanted man in the eyes of the federal government, and I had to protect them.
Which meant I was on my own. I had a little bit of money squirreled away for this very reason, and if Gavril dropped me off in the city, I could get to it and disappear. I could go anywhere in the world and reinvent myself.
Then I thought about the child that didn’t deserve any of this. Could I raise a child on the run, or was I better off leaving him or her with Gavril? The moment I thought about it, I shook my head. I couldn’t have my child raised the same way that Gavril had been. I could imagine if it was a boy and subjected to the violence I had seen from Gavril, the way he had turned a blind eye to those men violating the women at the docks.
And a female. I knew that Gavril loved his sisters and seemingly those young girls he was protecting, but his daughter could be subjected to things such as arranged marriages and being kidnapped by her father’s enemies.
I wouldn’t be able to move on with my life knowing that my child’s would hang in the balance.
I would have to run with the child.
Biting my lower lip, I debated my options. Maybe I should go to Gavril and beg him to release me for the sake of our child. He terrified me right now, knowing that whatever anger he had inside him was now compounded by the fact that he was going to war and had an FBI agent on his tail.
But he had to see reason, right? If he didn’t want me, then he would want me out of his life, and I wasn’t going to ask for anything. If I couldn’t have his devotion and love, then I didn’t want anything else. I could not care less about his money or his power.
None of that ever impressed me. I wanted the man that had laughed with me, the very man who had taken my body to new heights, and, in the quiet moments, had shown me the love he couldn’t describe.
I wanted his trust, and I had lost that in the last few hours. That was what hurt the most. Before the moment at the docks, there was a part of me that would have likely given up my life for his. I had fallen that hard.
Now, though, I wasn’t so sure. More like he would push me in front of a bullet to rid himself of another woman that had betrayed him.
I wasn’t Katya. She had gone in to steal his heart so that she could do him damage in the end. I had started out hating him for what he had done, and he had shown me how to love him. I had had a chance to erase all the bad things that had happened to him, and in the end I had done the same thing she had done.
I had broken him.
Drawing in a breath, I turned back to the bedroom. It was time for me to stand up for myself and the future of our child. I would go to Gavril and beg him to release me. If he ever cared for me at all, then I hoped that I could appeal to that side of him. As much as I wanted to stay behind and help him with this looming war, he no longer looked at me that way. He wasn’t going to share his secrets, allowing me to stand by his side during this time.
If his plan was to keep me alive at all.
No, it was best if I left while I could.
I squared my shoulders and forced my feet to move toward the door, my heart pounding with each step. When the doorknob turned easily in my hand, I loosened a breath. Maybe things weren’t as awful as I imagined them to be.
The moment the door opened, I stopped. “Ivan.”
The driver dipped his head. “Mrs. Kirilenko. Is there something you require?”
I swallowed my initial shock, peering past his shoulder to see the guard posted at the stairs, his eyes glittering as he looked at me. “I want to see my husband.”
The look Ivan gave me tore at my heart. “I’m afraid you cannot. I’ve been instructed to keep you in your room, Mrs. Kirilenko, where you are safe.”
Safe? I wanted to rail at him that I wasn’t safe anywhere right now, especially not while I stayed under this roof. “Please,” I begged, attempting to keep the hysteria out of my voice. “Ivan.”
My words were cut off by the loud voices below, and Ivan moved to close the door. “It’s best for you to remain here,” he told me before shutting it in my face. I heard the lock engage and slid to the floor, my back against the door. I couldn’t get out. I couldn’t leave. Gavril was refusing to see me, not that he didn’t have other things to deal with presently.
Were those his men gathering for the impending war? Was he going to lock me in this room and forget I ever existed? I didn’t want to think of the days ahead if he did, waiting for someone to give me word on whether or not my husband was still alive.
And what would happen to me if he did die? Would I become a martyr myself, or would I be faced with a worse fate ahead? I didn’t know what his enemies did with people like me, but if the docks were any indication, it wasn’t going to be a good outcome.
I wrapped my arms around my stomach as tears streamed down my face, silently apologizing to my child that had no idea what was going on. I might not have started the war, but I had done a heck of a lot worse.
The very man that I needed to protect me hated me, and now I would be left with some difficult choices in the coming days if he continued to refuse to see me or if he perished in this stupid war.
A sob escaped me and I pressed my fist to my mouth to stifle it, knowing that Ivan was just on the other side. I had no choice but to wait and learn my fate. I was powerless against what might be coming and what Gavril might decide to do.
At this moment, anything that Jon could do to me paled in comparison to what Gavril could do, what he could destroy. I would never be the same. I would be lucky to come out even remotely the same person I was a few months ago.