The tightness in my chest ices over, and a memory shoves its way to the front of my mind. The sight of Amora on her knees, staring at me with a mixture of horror, anger, and despair.
Being around her eased my pain just as much as being near a shadow realm rift. Now that she’s gone, everything seems much more acute. The pain. My senses. The loneliness.
I swallow, then shove the rest of the rabbit away with my snout and shift back to human form.
Leaving my brothers to their meals, I walk across the rocky shore and right into the water without looking back. I catch Kian’s irritated voice saying, Look what you did, dumbass, before I sink beneath the surface.
The lake is frigid, but it chases away my overwhelming emotions. I keep walking. My toes sink into the loose lakebed as I descend further into the surprisingly clear water. My hair waves around my face, and the shadows on my arms move much too fast. Faster than I’ve ever seen them. I let my knees bend and sink gently into the water, holding out my arms for a better look.
It’s dim down here, but my sharp vision never fails. The black swirls and curlicues on my forearms whip around me, encircling me, traveling up my biceps, to my chest, down my legs. I’ve never seen them so bothered. With their agitation comes the pain. My skin burns, and my bones feel too large to fit inside my skin.
Amora.
Those big green eyes. Greener than any mountain. Bright, flashing. Way too knowing.
Heat unfolds through me, battling against the freezing water. I think of Amora’s toned, muscular body. Her creamy legs, tapered waist, pert breasts with soft pink nipples… I’ve never seen something so exquisite. That night in the mountains, after her bout with the poison, when I held her all night…
The first woman to ever be in my arms.
The only woman I wanted there.
She smelled delicious that night. There was the lingering scent of Malix on her skin, although it was nearly drowned out by something musky and heady, something that made my mouth water and my body respond to her. I wanted to taste her, to devour her lips and taste that mixture of her and Malix. The need was intense then, and now, it’s everything.
Because she’s gone.
Because she’s out of reach.
Because I ache.
Even the icy lake water can’t extinguish the inferno inside me.
The fire doesn’t warm everything, though. There’s a hole in my chest even colder than the mountain lake.
I remain kneeling on the lakebed for as long as I have the breath. For the briefest moment, I consider staying beyond the point of no return. Sinking into the darkness and letting go. Filling my lungs with water instead of air.
But mourning Amora’s absence doesn’t erase the love I have for my brothers. I would never do that to them. They need me, and I need them. It’s always been just the three of us, and without one of our number, the little pack we’ve built for ourselves would cease to function. I can’t leave them behind.
No matter how much the shadows hurt.
With a powerful thrust against the lake bed, I surge up to the surface and break through.
Pushing my wet hair back from my face, I slog out of the water. Everything feels sharper and heavier. My body weighs me down. My thoughts call up a tension headache in between my eyes. I want to turn around and go back beneath the surface, where it’s quiet and dim and I can lose myself in the burning of my lungs.
But I don’t.
Kian and Malix are where I left them, although they’re both clean now, and Kian’s dark hair is wet from the lake. They must’ve washed up while I was beneath the lake’s surface. They haven’t bothered with clothes, and neither will I. We’ll shift to our normal wolf forms for sleep tonight.
They grow quiet and watch me approach, as if I don’t understand that their sudden silence means they were talking about me. I ignore the thin towel they’ve laid out for me, preferring the icy wind against my wet skin. It’s not as comforting as the weight of the water, but it’ll do.
I sit on the ground and wait for them to speak.
Kian glances at Malix again before he addresses me, running a hand through his dark hair. “We’ve decided where we’re going next.”
I incline my head, not speaking but acknowledging his words.
“It’s time to go home,” Kian continues, his voice low. The ring of gold around his brown irises glints like firelight.
My shadows rustle madly. The yawning ache inside me widens at the mention of “home.”
“Back to pack lands,” Kian adds, as if I might not have understood what he meant before. “To report to our alpha.”
I dip my chin in a nod. It’s not quite an agreement, but it’s not an argument either. “All right.”
Silence falls between us. There’s nothing more to say. We’ll go back to our pack lands and report to Quinton, just as we have many times before. Then we’ll leave and continue our search, as we always have. As we were created to do.
Nothing will change.
And still, my shadows churn.