Frost
Colorado is cold.
So am I. Inside, as if the poison turned me to ice before it left my bloodstream.
Three days have passed since we found the rift near the Devil’s Teeth. My paws beat against the ground in time with my brothers’ as we race toward another lead. They’re both positive this is the one—that this thin veil between realms is the one that will bring our real home to earth and ease our agony forever.
The San Juan National Forest. One-point-eight million acres of mesas, mountains, and forested lands owned by the federal government. We’ve been here before. Many times. Good hunting. Fresh mountain water, the kind that feels like it can heal.
But no viable rifts.
I’m a realist. I doubt this will be any different from the last. Or the half dozen before that one. We search and we search, finding thin places where we can feel the shadow realm. Just there, on the other side of a veil we can’t touch. Even if we can’t breach the portal, we can feel that energy. It buoys us, bolsters our personal reserves. For a time, the pain eases. We can almost feel normal again. Until the shadows creep back in and their sharp spines dig deep.
When a man doesn’t live in constant agony, it’s easier for him to think positively. I can’t be mad at them for that, so I follow. Living like this is hard; letting them chase shadows is easy.
I do feel better since drinking the antidote to the shadow poison. Can’t deny that. The poison is gone. And the rift near the Devil’s Teeth eased my constant shadow energy ache for a while. We left New Mexico refreshed, putting distance between us and what we’ve done.
But still, I ache.
I don’t understand why I ache so badly. The pain is a knot in my chest that throbs in time with my heartbeat. In time with my pounding footsteps.
Malix’s voice cuts through my thoughts in mind speak. I didn’t know a wolf’s face could look so serious. Not even yours, iceman.
I ignore his words and the teasing tone of his voice in my head. I’m unsettled, and I can’t explain why. Not to him, not even to myself. My shadow energy flows through me erratically, manifesting as plumes of black smoke that trail off me as I run. It’s as if my shadows feel my torrent of thoughts and react to the way my mind is spiraling.
Poison.
Pain.
Shadows.
I barely know anything else. I’ve never known anything else.
Even with my gaze on the land ahead, I see Malix and Kian exchange worried glances. I would expect them to be used to this. I disappear into my head every once in a while. It’s how I process things. Malix is always the one who tries to draw me out of myself. He never succeeds.
He also never learns.
My brother lopes a circle around me, his smoky tongue dangling from his shadowy wolf face. I could kick rocks in his eyes, he says to Kian. Might get a response that way.
He won’t. I’d kick rocks harder, and he’d lose chunks of skin. Maybe even one of those glowing blue eyes.
Malix, Kian interjects warningly. Quit being a dick.
They leave me alone for a few more miles. Long enough to reach the rift we’re seeking.
Low, sloping mountains form a kind of caldera around a valley. Rocky outcroppings climb the ascending slopes, and a modest lake of turquoise water takes up most of the interior. We circle the lake, following our instincts up one of the southern slopes. There’s no brush here, no forest, leaving us exposed, illuminated by the quickly sinking sun.
This rift is thicker than the one back in New Mexico. I don’t even need to touch it to know that. It hangs in mid-air along the slope. Not visible, but detectable because we’re made of the same stuff. Shadows. Always shadows.
Fuck. Kian lets out a bitter growl.
I could tell him I told you so, but I’m not that kind of wolf. So I remain silent, keeping my thoughts to myself.
If we couldn’t break through the Devil’s Teeth rift, we’re definitely not breaking through this one. I lean into the veil and take a breath, letting the energy of the shadow realm sink into me. Some of the lingering ache in my bones vanishes. For the briefest moment, I feel whole. A part of something bigger than me. Bigger than the three of us.
The raw, unadulterated power of the shadow realm fills the gaps inside me.
Except for one. The large, gaping one that has nothing to do with shadows.
Malix speaks up, his ears twitching. What now?
Kian glances at me. His shadow wolf outweighs mine by a good bit, and I have to look up to meet his gaze. Impressive, considering I’m the size of a small horse.
Rest, Kian says. We rest for the night.
If he sees the gratitude in my gaze, he doesn’t mention it.
We set up camp on the shores of the lake as the sun sets. Hunting in the valley is slim, but we manage to nab a few rabbits and split them amongst ourselves. I’m snout deep in organ meat when Malix says, Do you think she’s okay? I mean, we left her alone in the middle of nowhere.
I freeze, my teeth wrapped around the rabbit’s liver. A chill races over me, and my shadows move restlessly. They billow off me in waves. He didn’t even say her name, but it doesn’t matter. I’m a burning house moments from backdraft at the very mention of her.
Kian growls at Malix, blood glinting on his muzzle. She’s fine. She’s smart.
I rip the liver out and crush it between my teeth. Blood and juices explode in my mouth. I focus on that, on the destruction, on the way the skin breaks. If I focus on anything they’re saying, I… I can’t.
I can’t.
My head feels light. I swallow the rest of the liver whole and go for the neck. The feel of bones crunching beneath my teeth helps chase away my thoughts.
Leaving Amora was the right choice, Kian snaps. End of story.
Amora.
Amora.
A name with Latin origins, commonly used in Spanish and French cultures. Meaning: love.
Wolves like us will never understand love. Shadows like us will never understand it.
I rip the rabbit’s neck out and chew through the tendons and bones.
Focus on the meal. Focus on the coppery blood.
Don’t focus on Amora.
“I sever our mate bond.”