His eyes flutter open. “Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my room?”
“I thought you sedated him?” I look back at Kristen.
“I did. He shouldn’t be awake.”
“I don’t know who you people are. Where’s my wife?” He is screaming and flailing on the bed. “I want my wife, damnit.”
My heart drops to the floor, and I try to leave the room, but my feet won’t move. Raquel tugs on my arm and removes me.
“I know this is hard. Right now, we have to wait for him to come out of this and be patient.”
I swat at her hand and walk toward the doors. “Let me out. I need some air.”
Situations like this rarely go well, and it’s a lot for anyone to handle; let alone a guy who is trying to do everything by himself. Sure, I have Hazel, but she lives halfway across the country.
She scans her badge, and I walk out the doors, pissed off at the world. Why did this have to happen to my father?
The center doors close behind me, and I’m furious. Not at him, but at everything.
What am I going to do? How am I going to tell Hazel? I know she is still upset with me for keeping it from her, and I need nothing else to come in between us. She hasn’t been back in Massachusetts for very long, and things are going great for her there. This is going to shatter her world.
I punch my car door and start pacing around the parking lot. All this rage and anger is bottling up inside me, and it needs to just come the fuck out. I know the doctor told me to prepare myself for this, but how do you do that? It’s my father; the man that had confidence in me, when I had none, and I wouldn’t be the man I am today without his guidance and support. Losing him is going to be the darkest day in my life, and I’m not fucking prepared for it. Never will be.
I get inside my truck and start heading back to the house. Right now, there is nothing I can do for him, and the nurses can handle it. My presence is only going to upset him more, and they don’t need that.
My father is not a violent man, and I know this disease can alter him, especially if he doesn’t know where he is. It still doesn’t make it any less of a shock when he doesn’t recognize me. I’m his son, and it’s just heart breaking. I don’t want him to become that way with any of the staff, but someone trained them on what to do in that situation. So if anyone can handle it, it’s them.
Final stages. Raquel is being upfront with me, and I appreciate that, but hearing those damn words is like a stake in my heart. I thought we had more time, and now I know that isn’t true. This is when things go downhill, and I’m not mentally prepared for it.
I’m not an idiot, I know the moment we are born, we are counting down the days until our death, like a clock ticking, but one thing is my dad has lived a wonderful life. He found true love, loved teaching, and two kids that adore him. Not everyone gets that lucky. It still doesn’t make losing him any easier, and in fact, it reminds me I need to be living my life. True Love is something I have searched for, but it’s never worked out. Maybe it is 100% the time to stop putting it on the back burner and get out there.
Raquel has been very helpful during this transition for him, and I know she only wants what’s best for him. He didn’t know he would progress this fast, and not being able to bathe or go to the bathroom himself is frightening. When he comes to, he will not enjoy being doted on, and that’s a fact. What person wants to have someone else wipe their ass or give them a sponge bath? It signifies you are getting older and can’t do things yourself anymore.
My heart breaks for him, knowing how he is going to react to this, and not having his freedom anymore. When he didn’t recognize me tonight, I thought he would snap out of it like last time, but he didn’t. My father acting like I’m a stranger. It’s fucked up. Why did this have to happen to him?
The driveway outside of his house seems eerie. I haven’t been sleeping the best since he moved to the center, but who likes to be in a big house alone? The memories alone are what fuels me to keep this house in our family. It is what my dad would want, and has explicitly asked for me to do, and I won’t ever go against his wishes. Still, the thought of going inside and staying another night alone makes me shudder. I’m all alone here, and I want all the things he has. Maybe one day.
I can’t put it off any longer. Hazel deserves to know. What am I going to say? Her chance to get partner is upon her, and she might lose her chance, but I know our father means more to her than some job.
The phone rings and rings. I pull it away from my ear to hang up and then hear her voice.
“Whatcha doing?” I ask, trying to ease into the conversation that I know is going to tear her apart.
I can hear Aiden in the background singing, and it sounds like she’s at home with her new dog. “Well, we need to talk about dad.”
Her playful demeanor changes. “What’s wrong? Is he okay?”
My hesitation worries her, and rightfully so.
“Just fucking tell me, damnit. This silent shit is going to make me have a heart attack,” she yells into the phone, and I can hear Aiden asking her what’s going on.
“He’s been having episodes more frequently, and today he didn’t recognize me again, except this time, it’s lasting longer.”
Hazel doesn’t respond, but Aiden asks if she is okay, which lets me know she’s crying.
“He’s in the final stages, isn’t he?”
“Yes. Raquel says he is also having trouble with his speech, which is a sign before he has to have someone help him in all aspects of his daily life. Bathing, going to the bathroom, everything.”