“But you haven’t finished decorating.”
“No, but it’ll be fine.”
“What about the space? Won’t you be cramped with everything there? You know you’re welcome to work at my place for as long as you want.”
It felt as though somebody was squeezing her heart so tightly it hurt. He was being kind, she knew he was. But she didn’t want kindness. She wanted love. She wanted him to beg her to stay because he missed her and wante
d her with him. Not because she might run out of space.
“It’s fine,” she said firmly, ignoring the ache in her chest. “I’ve got it covered.”
“Okay.”
There. The voice in her head said. Do you believe me now? He’s not even going to fight for you.
She shook her head to dislodge the thought. She was better than that. “Maybe we can talk on Friday,” she suggested. “If you still want to come for my ultrasound.”
“Yeah, of course. I’ll be there.”
That gave her five days to get over herself. To start acting like the mature mother she was supposed to be. “I should get up,” she said. Not knowing how to end the conversation. “Good luck with your surgery.”
“Thanks. Take it easy moving your things. No heavy lifting. I’m happy to help when I get home.”
“Thank you,” she said softly, already knowing she wouldn’t take him up on his offer.
He wanted to be her knight in shining armor. She wanted him to be her Prince Charming. But neither of those things were good for her. Right now all she needed from James Tanner was for him to be the best dad he could ever be to their baby.
She knew from experience he had that handled.
* * *
James stared down at his hands as he scrubbed the antiseptic soap into his skin, being careful to cover every inch. Ten strokes to each side of the thumb, then to each of his fingers with the sterile sponge, before moving up to the base of his hands and his forearms. With a disposable pick he cleaned under his nails, throwing the blue stick into the trash can beside him.
One of the first things they’d taught at medical school was how to wash your hands properly. Now it was second nature, but he still paid attention. His patients’ lives depended on it. Each scrub lasted five minutes – and every member of the surgical team did the same thing. Infection control was key when it came to the operating room.
Next to him, one of the nurses was chatting with the anesthesiologist about a series they were both watching on Netflix, their voices muffled by the masks fixed across their mouths. Normally he’d join in, or at least listen, but today he was too busy trying to calm the thoughts in his head.
Five minutes. That’s how long he had until he needed to concentrate on the body in front of him. A fourteen-year-old girl with a spinal injury pressing on her main nerve.
“How about you, James?” the nurse asked.
He turned to her. “Sorry?”
“What are you watching at the moment? I’m looking for recommendations.”
He resisted the urge to rub his neck. That would add another five minutes to this hand washing. “I haven’t watched TV in a while.”
“Oh.” She blinked, as though she couldn’t quite believe it. “Nothing?”
He shrugged. “Nope.”
He’d been too busy helping Harper get her apartment ready. And before that he’d preferred to spend his evenings with her wrapped in his arms, whispering softly about stupid things that made him feel wistful.
How she didn’t like cheese as a kid, but now couldn’t live without it. Or that she used to believe moths were baby bats, and still screamed whenever she saw one. The corner of his lip twitched as he remembered the night she had a craving for donuts, and he’d driven around town in the early hours of the morning, trying to find somewhere open and serving.
And now he’d messed it all up. Hurt her in a way he’d never intended because he’d been too caught up in his own world to think about her needs. He should have told Alice and her parents about Harper and their baby before they ever stepped foot in Angel Sands. But the guilt he felt for being alive when Sara and Jacob were dead had stopped him, the way it had stopped him living until Harper stepped into his world.
For the past few months she’d pushed the darkness away. Given him hope where previously he’d had none at all. And he’d sabotaged it all.