Because I do have feelings for him, too. I just don’t know what do with them or all the fear flooding through my veins. I feel like I’ve just survived a drone strike, not a near kiss with a man I’ve already kissed several times before.
But that kiss would have been different. That kiss would have been real in a way none of the others were. And I’m not ready for real. I feel more like a kid than I did at eighteen. Back then I thought I knew it all—my mind, my heart, and exactly where I was going in life.
Now I know life and love are so much more complicated. Now, I’m smart enough to be afraid of losing my heart to a man who might change his mind. I’ve seen it happen way too many times.
My girlfriends in college would dive into the deep end of the love pool only for their boyfriends to get spooked and jump out seconds before they surfaced, taking all the flotation devices with them. Not to mention my family members who’ve lost big at the game of love.
There are worse things than First Dick Fever. There’s my aunt whose husband left her for a girl their daughter’s age, for example. Or my cousin, whose boyfriend hit her for years before she gathered the courage to ask for help leaving the relationship. Derrick isn’t a bad man like those two, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t utterly destroy me.
All he’d have to do is get me to love him, trust him, and then decide he isn’t interested anymore.
Just the thought is enough to make gorge rise in my throat.
I know people survive heartbreak like that all the time, but I’m not sure I would. I’m not nearly as tough as I pretend to be.
I decide to move into Lauren’s room first thing tomorrow—I can tell her Derrick needs his rest for his big interview or something—and the panic eases a bit. When I peek my head out to find the living room dark and the couch already folded out into a bed for me, I relax a little more.
Derrick’s giving me space. Maybe he realizes that I was thrown by his confession and need time. Or maybe he’s already regretting confessing his “like” for a woman who acted like a complete spazz about it.
Either way, I’m happy to lie down alone. I really am.
I don’t wish I were in the other room snuggled in Derrick’s arms or kissing Derrick’s sexy mouth at all.
Not even a little bit.
Chapter Thirteen
From the texts of Derrick Olsen
and Evie Olsen
Derrick: Good morning. How’s your day so far?
* * *
Evie: Amazing! Ian flew in last night to surprise me! He has two days off until he has to be back at practice, and he bought tickets for The Nutcracker ballet tonight! Front row! And then we’re going to stay in a hotel by the theater and bang in front of the floor-to-ceiling picture windows like we’re in a sexy movie! It’s going to be the best night ever!
* * *
Derrick: Ew.
* * *
Evie: No! Not ew! Whoo-hoo! That is the sound you want to make, dear brother. And no, I’m not going to stop talking openly about banging my sexy boyfriend. I’m sex positive.
* * *
Derrick: And I’m positive I’m not ready to take our relationship to that level.
* * *
Evie: Because you still think of me as a little girl?
* * *
Derrick: No, I don’t think of you as a little girl. You’re just my sister. My baby sister. And I might be a tad bit jealous that your love life is a rainbow-and-unicorn-filled romance sex odyssey and mine is…a hot mess.
* * *
Evie: Uh-oh. Why is it a hot mess? What happened? And I hear you, and I totally get it. I used to get jealous when other people talked about their happy love lives, and I was alone without a prospect in sight. I’ll rein it in a little, I promise.
* * *
Derrick: I appreciate that. And nothing happened. That’s the problem. I told a woman I’m interested in that I was interested, but she clearly wasn’t thrilled with the news. And now I’m not sure what to do next. We’ve been having fun together and there’s definitely chemistry—the few times we kissed were amazing. But when I said I liked her as more than a friend, she looked at me like I’d grown a second head. Like…a horse head. Like I was suddenly a half-man, half-horse freak of nature she couldn’t get away from fast enough.
* * *
Evie: *crying laughing emoji*
* * *
Derrick: I’m serious.
* * *
Evie: *gif of woman laughing so hard she falls down a flight of stairs and is still laughing by the time she gets to the bottom*
* * *
Derrick: You aren’t helping.